I’m a hapless romantic.
I am completely without hap.
Although, strangely, I make haphazard decisions.
So there’s a lot of hap there.
I’ve gone and confused myself.
I’m so lame at romance that girls pre-emptively break up with me.
Just so I am completely clear that there is no way I’ll ever get a chance to totally do their super-hot bodies. They’ll say things like I’m so glad we’re just friends! I’d never want to ruin this.
Then they never call me again.
Which is ruining it. That’s called ruining it.
But that’s OK. I’m on a mission to do hundreds of super-hot chicks, so I can’t be saddled down with just one you know?
That comes off not-believable, doesn’t it.
How about this:
I’m just waiting for the right girl and I don’t want to waste my time just dating around.
I’ll use that.
Over twenty-nine years of interacting with chicks, I’ve been dumped a devastating number of times.
So I know what works well in a dumping and what doesn’t.
In a dumping.
Here are five ways you should never break up with someone.
1. Through Text Message.
I have this intense bond with my BlackBerry.
I call it my African-American Berry. Because unlike you, I’m culturally aware.
I would never want my AfricanAmericanBerry to bring me bad news.
So let’s say I’m like totally doing Michelle Branch.
Then one day I’m at home, eating kiwi-fruit in my parents basement while watching The Wizards of Waverly Place and I get a textual message from Michelle.
I look at it and say Aw, it’s branchyness! She probably wants me to do her.
Then I open the message and find:
TN, sorry 2 do this but jst not wrking out. Can we still b frnds? TTYL.
Oh yes. Because the frowny-face emoticon softens the blow.
A frowny-face emoticon. Really?
What am I supposed to do with that.
2. By Changing Your Relationship Status On Facebook.
If you want to see how guys can be complete vultures, just take a look at a hot chick on Facebook who changes her relationship status.
Sarah Has Changed Her Relationship Status To Single.
Sarah will now get hundreds of private messages from guys saying Hey stranger! Long time no talk. Sorry to hear about the break-up. That guy totally didn’t deserve you. Let me know when you’re free for a drink!
Translated from Guylish that just means I’ve been waiting until you were at the most emotionally vulnerable because it amplifies my already-limited chance to do you.
3. By TwitPic’n You Making Out With Some Other Dude.
Twitter is always fun when I click on Mashable links, a link to Why Social Media Is The New News Medium and a picture of you sucking the face of some shithead who I’m totally better than.
Who knew you could manage to squeeze “total bitch” into 140 characters or less.
You’re coming off badly. Your reader isn’t supposed to think this actually happened to you. You have to make them believe you’re just humoring it up, dumb ass. Recover.
Ha! Not like that’s happened to me or anything.
That was weak. Add an emoticon.
Clown face! –> >@))
4. Sending Them A Mixtape.
This happened to me in high school. A young lady I thought I was dating wanted to let me know it was over.
She wanted me to fondly remember the weeks of me lending her bus tickets.
So she compiled a mixtape on cassette.
You’re losing your younger readers who don’t know what cassette tapes are.
Imagine your iPod with auto-reverse.
She put Vanilla Ice on it, but not even Ice Ice Baby. The stuff from side B that you know even Vanilla Ice was like what a creative abortion this shit is.
So I listened to it and at the end she came on and said Hey just wanted to let you know I’m dating Pete from the football team. Don’t call me. Have a nice life.
It was a troubling moment.
Way better than the Vanilla Ice.
5. Just Letting Them Find You On PlentyOfFish.
This actually happened to someone I know. Her boyfriend put a profile up on the dating site, Plenty Of Fish. One of her yenta friends goes on there cruising for co…
Goes on there to take a lover.
Sees the dude.
He had cropped his girlfriend out of the picture.
All you saw was half her eyeball.
Look, I know people have varying opinions of relationships, fidelity, monogamy.
But if you see half your eyeball, that’s the universal sign that you’re dumped.
There you have it. Many of these examples are plucked from real-life pain. I’d also like to thank my tiny friends on my Facebook page for helping me generate some ideas for this article.
Now if you’ll excuse me, this kiwi-fruit isn’t going to eat itself.
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