5 Things Twitter Can Learn From Balloon Boy.

Last Thursday, millions of people were arrested in fear.

Gripped by a tiny boy who may have been in a balloon.

Did he fall out?

Is he dead?

Falcon? Who names a kid Falcon.  Really.

We suspended work to watch a hideous-looking Jiffy Pop balloon fly across Colorado.  When it landed, Falcon was nowhere to be found.

When the balloon landed, why didn’t they just affix a 60lb weight to it to see if it could fly? Then we’d know if he was ever in it.

That would be too smart, dumb ass.

No.  This story was a comedy of errors.

When I monitored how the event unfolded on Twitter, I learned a few things.

Here are five lessons I learned.

1. Even If A Six Year-Old Boy Is Clinging Perilously To Life, Some Sexy Webcam Site Will Spam The Trending Topic.

When I checked the hashtag #balloonboy, I expected to find people breaking news.

A beating pulse of Twitter’s mood.

Instead, I found that for $0.99 a minute, I can get a private show on a webcam site with some chick named Syndee.

Isn’t that super hot when they spell their name with like, a sexual reference.

I know right!

But no.

I didn’t visit the site.

99 cents a minute adds up, people.

You're probably unsure why this is necessary but you know what? You're not the blogger, are you?

2. No Matter How Bad It Is, Twitter Will Always Crow Bar In A Kanye Joke.

Imagine, for a moment, we were under the threat of a nuclear bomb from one of those miscellaneous countries.

Canada.

Let’s pick Canada.

Millions of people across the world, frightened, worried, fearful for their safety.

If you checked Twitter, you’d find people in tears.  Frantically tweeting their last words, quivering in fear.

Then you’d see some douchebag from Inglewood CA say “YO CANADA.  IMMALET YOU BOMB US, AND I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU BUT HIROSHIMA WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST NUCLEAR BOMBINGS OF ALL TIME.”

Thank you, pioneers of comedy, for trailblazing through pop culture.

Tremendous!

3. We Are So Hilariously Easy To Hoax.

I haven’t been hoaxed in a long time.  But when you get on Twitter and millions of people buy into the hoax it becomes this massive snowball of hoaxyness, you can’t help but not believe it.

Think about all the celebrities that didn’t-die on Twitter.

The fake amber alerts?

See.

It’s exhausting to be hoaxed that much.

Like, I’m actually tired from being hoaxed.

Is that weird?

I feel like that’s weird.

4. Cable News Is A Bitch.

After this Balloon Boy episode, I now consider Wolf Blitzer to be the spirit bride of Satan.

When I looked at his Wolf Blitzery face reporting on Falcon, you can almost see the delight he had in knowing his ratings were rocketing up.  He said all the right things.  But you can tell he just wanted to say

You can’t change the channel because this kid’s name is Falcon.  And he’s in a balloon.  Get it?  It’s super ironic!  Oh-wait.  Or maybe he wasn’t in the balloon. Maybe he fell off and now he’s scared and worried and wounded.  Maybe he’s fighting for survival by eating boysenberries and battling bears with just a collection of twigs.  You won’t know unless you stay tuned to me.  That’s right.  Look at my neatly-trimmed beard.  Your ass is mine.

5. When We Found Out It Was A Hoax Everyone Denies Believing It Wasn’t.

Look, I’ll be honest.

I thought it was real.

They hoaxed my ass hard.

But thousands of people on Twitter will delete their OMG pray for falcon you guys! tweets and instead say something like America is so gullible.  They’ll probably give Balloon Boy a reality show now. LOL.  Grow up people.

Why do people do this?

Why.

Just admit that you were hoaxed.  You were.

You totally were.

Denying it now doesn’t make you better than me.

You not-having-moobs makes you better than me.

That, I can’t change.

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There you have it.  Follow me here if you want to be near someone who is way more gullible than you.

Unless you’re Wolf Blitzer.

You’re a white beard of lies, Blitzer.