The 5 Worst DMs: Which Ones Have You Sent?


It’s exciting to get a DM on Twitter.

Don’t lie.

You think it’s exciting to get a DM on Twitter.

When I get one, I rush to check who sent it.

In my mind, I always think it’s Evan Williams, the CEO of Twitter, who will write and say:

Hey Tremendous News, I’ve been monitoring your shitty blog closely.  I feel like you’ve earned a reward.  You know all of those Spambots you have alarmingly creepy dreams about?  Well they’re real.  And you can like totally do them.

I know that’s over 140 characters.

But it’s in my mind, people.

In my fantastically demented mind.

In reality, though, DMs are usually the worst thing ever.

A complete waste of time.

Here are five of the worst DMs you can get.

1. “Hey Thanks For The Follow! Looking Forward To Your Cool Tweets!”

You know this is automatic.

And you think to yourself, really.

I think you sit there in awe for a moment.  You stare at the DM.  You stare at the profile picture.

You die inside.

Because you chose to follow this person.


Out of sixteen million people on Twitter, you selected the one that uses the term “cool tweets”.


You’re quite the nerd connoisseur.

2. “Hey Is This You In This Vid? Lol”

Due to my sordid past, I always check videos people send me to ensure I’m not in them.

Or, at least, rightfully compensated for my appearance.

That’s why this DM works so well.  Everyone’s interested in themselves.

Don’t believe me?  Take a look at the title of this article.

You know why you’re here.

You little narcissist.

3. “You’ve Been Invited To Join My Mafia Family”

The people that play these games have made a decision.

In the choice between being valuable contributors to the Twitter stream, or just friendly pedestrians, they choose neither.

Instead, they’ve elected to screw everyone.

Because that’s essentially what you’re doing when you play this game.  You tell everyone that follows you what level you’re on.

Whether you failed at an assassination attempt.

If you just completed a bank robbery.


Because nobody cares.

4. The DMs That Weren’t.

These are my favorite.

These are the DMs that you tried to send but something went wrong.

And they’re mistakenly sent as public tweets.


Even though you race to delete them, don’t think we didn’t see.

I’m unemployed and live with my parents.

I see it all.

5. The Drunk DM.


I’ve sent some of these to celebrity followers of mine.

So suppose you’re a person with a successful acting, directing and producing career.  You come home, check Twitter, notice a DM.

From a blogger.

You read it.

Yo dude!  Yo! Heey, so what d you think sabout Miely Cyrus leaving twitter?! I NO rite!

I swear I drunkenly DMed a celebrity asking whether or not he missed Miley Cyrus being on Twitter.


Totally sorry.

Re-follow me.

I’ll be better.

There you have it.

Follow me on Twitter here for some cool tweets.

And I don’t care what you say.

Missing Miley Cyrus is completely normal.