10 Things To Do When Twitter Is Down.

Someon's high at Twitter HQ.

Right. Like someone's not high at Twitter HQ.

Twitter goes down.

You spiral emotionally, unsure.

Uncertain.

What do I do now?

When affronted with the fail whale, your nerdy world unravels.

Don’t worry.

I’m here.

Allow me to bring you into my electrical bosom and nurture you with my words.

Care for you.

Touch you inappropriately.

OK.

Forget the last thing.

Here are ten things to do when Twitter goes down.

1. Write Statements of 141 Characters And Revel In The Excess

For months, you’ve been tethered to the 140 character maxim.  Think about all the things you wanted to say but couldn’t.

Now write them all out.

Pretty crappy, right?

Yes.

Your intellect is much better constrained.

2. Pre-Shrink All Of Your URLS.

When Twitter’s down, it’s the perfect time for you to seek out nerdy links.

Mashable.

TechCrunch.

Read Write something.

Pre-shrink them all so you can swiftly assault your following with dozens of links to Beautiful New WordPress Themes.

Yes.

Because that’s what they want.

3. Constantly Refresh Twitter While Crying.

Look, I’m not saying I do this.

Unless we’re at a point where chicks think this is hot?

We at that point yet?

No?

I don’t do this.

This is me dancing in my parents basement to Mariah Carey's "Obsessed"

This is me dancing in my parents basement to Mariah Carey's "Obsessed"

4. Screw With Social Media Experts.

When Twitter goes down, social media experts run around in circles flailing their girl-arms wildly in the air.

The guy who calls himself a “social media cowboy” is left Twitter-less.

Hilarious.

This is a great time to e-mail them and call them on their shit.

Hey I was wondering if you could help me leverage my brand on Twitter. I’m willing to pay you 8.3 million dollars.

That sounds great! I’ll get working on it as soon as Twitter comes back. It seems to have gone down.

Wait.  Aren’t you the ‘Mayor of Twitter’?  According to your bio, you are.  Why can’t you get around this?

Okay fine. I’m just a douche who uses words like ‘leverage’ and ‘monetize’ and pray that someone pays me something.  Also?  I haven’t been laid since the Reagan Adminsitration.

Ha.

Social media cowboy my ass.

5. Call A Real-Life Friend And Inform Them You Are No Longer Interested In Their Life Updates.

One of the greatest parts of Twitter is the ability to follow and unfollow.

To emulate this feeling, call a friend of yours and ‘unfollow’ them.

It’ll make you feel better.

Hey Dave, how you doing?  It’s the creator of Tremendous News.

Hey man.  What an odd way to introduce yourself.

I know.  I know.  You’re kind of like in the blog right now in that schizophrenic italic voice-in-my-head that people find alarmingly creepy.

Oh no way!  Dude, I love that voice.  But you’re right, it is creepy.

Well thanks.  Hey dude, I just wanted to call you and let you know that I no longer wish to receive updates on your life.  So don’t call me if you lose your job, or like, die or whatever.

What?  That’s hurtful.

Yeah, but I haven’t unfollowed someone in thirty-three minutes.  I just need to do this.

What if I win one those sweepstakes that are inside the caps of Diet Coke?  That’s major.  You wouldn’t want to know that?

Nah.

What if I totally do the chick from Transformers.  That Megan Fox chick?

Nope.

Oh whatever dude.  If I bang Megan Fox, you totally want to know.

Dude, I said I was unfollowing you.  Don’t make me block you too. I’m like almost there.

Fine, you’re a douche.

Fine.

This is how hairy I am right now.

This is how hairy I am right now.

6. Shave.

One thing Twitter does to you is make you less concerned with your physical appearance.

When I first joined Twitter, I looked like a plump clean-cut fat dude.

Today?

Think Teen Wolf meets Fat Albert meets Al from Tool Time.

Thank you Twitter.

7. Repair Obviously-Destroyed Relationships.

Take a good, hard look at the life around you.

When you were retweeting Alyssa Milano’s links, your girlfriend started having an emotional relationship with that shithead Doug from Facebook.

Your son doesn’t know who you are anymore.

You know the people in your life whose names don’t start with an @ sign?

Call them.

8. Get A Hobby.

Now that you have a few moments without Twitter, why not do something different?

Basket-weaving?

Paint-by-numbers?

Black tar heroin?

Something.

9. Delete Your Friendster Account.

The other day I went on a date with this chick.

I thought it went well.

Then I got home, and she called me.

To LJBF me.

“Let’s just be friends.”

I couldn’t understand why until I Googled myself and realized my Friendster account from 2004 was still up.

And it was me all super-hot, pre-obesity.

So I guess she took a look at where I was five years ago, where I am today, and predicted where I’d be in a few years.

Smart woman.

This is me on a date.  I don't draw action-shots very well.

This is me on a date. I don't draw action-shots very well.

10. Recall The Days Where A Micro-Blogging Service Wasn’t Your World.

Remember the joy of a pleasant day, a nice cup of coffee and snuggling with your loved one?

Me neither.

Just crow-bar some joy out of any shitty thing you can find.

There you have it.

Don’t worry.  You’ll get through this tough time.

If you’d like more of my electrical bosom, follow me here.

I’ll be here, Facebook-stalking Doug.