Twitter addiction is real.
And I know you’ve come to check if you have it.
You’ve come to see if you’re normal.
Think of what you just did. Someone on Twitter tweeted this article. Then you nerdily rushed here to see what the climmer-clammer was about.
The point is, you’re addicted.
The question is, by how much?
Peruse through these ten things. If you do any of them, nod your head and giggle.
Unless you’re a dude.
At the end, tell your friends how many of these things you do and carry on with your addiction.
I’ll be here, popping those bubbles you get when someone sends you a package.
Top ten signs of twitter addiction.
1. You Think Your URL Shrinker Is Better Than Someone Else’s.
A “URL shrinker” takes a regular web address and shrinks it to something smaller.
It’s good for Twitter because you have to squeeze things into 140 chars.
So: http://superhotmanateesex.com/manatees-showing-their-peepees-and-weewees-during-spring-break/ turns into this:
That’s all it does.
But there’s a swelling population of tweeters who actually care about what URL shrinker they use.
And they all gang up on the tinyURL people.
Ha! You’re tweeting that Mashable link with tinyURL? What are you, a loser?
Hey Phil, check this dude out with his “Tiny” URL. Yeah. Real tiny. That’s like 90 chars douchebag.
Bit.ly’s the shit. Why don’t you go back to medieval times, you tinyURL asshole.
Somewhere, someone who used TinyURL is mixing xanax with Jack Daniels.
2. You’ve Learned How To Ration Out Your Rate Limit.
10 calls to the API left.
Doesn’t reset for another 45 minutes.
You know what you do here.
You need to know what people are tweeting. You can’t be left out.
You blow your twitter load.
See you in 45 minutes, nerd.
3. You Know Which Avatar You Like Most Of A Twitter Friend’s.
The saddest part of this statement is that they’re actually not even your real friend. They’re someone you met on Twitter. Yet you remember every one of their avatars and can even suggest which you like best.
You can suggest. I didn’t say suggest.
Take it from experience, it only comes off creepy.
4. You Can Tell When Your Spambots Are Getting Hotter.
I know the general hotness quality of the spambots that follow me. So when I get a new Britney F-ed Vids or some chick who can make my teeth whiter, I make a quick judgement in my head.
Is this chick up to my regular spambot standards?
And depending on this, I make a decision on whether to block them.
I don’t mean to brag but I get some super hot spambots.
Try being less jealous.
5. You’ve Used The Term “I Should Tweet That”.
In real life, you’ve told someone or made a mental note to yourself that you should tweet something.
Worse, you’ve pulled out your phone and tweeted it while talking to someone.
I would say that is crippling social behavior but you’d just tweet that, wouldn’t you?
6. You Get Your News From The Trending Topics.
Glee’s not news.
7. You’ve Contemplated Going To, Attended, or Dated Someone You Met At A TweetUp.
Anything related to a “TweetUp” sounds absolutely horrible to me.
If you don’t agree with me, ask yourself this question.
Would you ever want your child to hear the sentence:
Mommy and I first met at a TweetUp at a TGI Fridays off I-10.
8. You Actually Hate Someone On Twitter That You Haven’t Met.
The weirdest part about Twitter is that you start to hate people you haven’t met yet. Just based on their tweets.
Think about that.
That means that even in 140 characters or less, they’ve found a way to be completely unbearable.
That takes a significant level of douchebaggyness.
9. You Judge People On Their Following/Follower Count.
Ted follows you.
You don’t know anything about Ted.
You take a look at his image.
Ted looks like a nice guy.
You take a look at his bio.
Look! Ted likes puzzles. How fun and endearing!
Then you look at Ted’s following/follower count.
890 following, 23 followers.
Fuck Ted, man.
Meanwhile, Ted’s a nice guy who just doesn’t know Twitter convention. Yet hundreds of people have told him to f-himself inside their minds.
That right there?
That’s why Ted’s doing a puzzle and crying all over himself right now.
10. When Twitter Goes Down You Spiral Emotionally.
The strongest sign of Twitter addiction is when it’s taken away from you.
Like, 3PM EST every weekday.
And when you see the Fail Whale, what do you do?
You start thinking of what you’re going to tweet.
OMG people! #twitterfail! fail fail.
Twitter fixed itself, adjusting to the dynamically growing, almost-impossible need for bandwidth just so you can drop that tweet.
That nectar of intellect.
Because that’s what we needed.
There you have it. You can probably think of more.
If you’d like, you can follow me on Twitter here.
Make sure you say hi.
If I don’t reply, don’t worry.
It’s because I’m blocking Ted.