The Top 10 Signs You’re A Twitter Addict.

465394708_7c9ff1d827

"OMG you guys! I'm like totally on a bike right now. lolz"

Twitter addiction is real.

And I know you’ve come to check if you have it.

You’ve come to see if you’re normal.

You’re not.

Not normal.

Think of what you just did.  Someone on Twitter tweeted this article.  Then you nerdily rushed here to see what the climmer-clammer was about.

Like that?

Climmer-clammer.

The point is, you’re addicted.

The question is, by how much?

Peruse through these ten things.  If you do any of them, nod your head and giggle.

Unless you’re a dude.

Dudes?

Don’t giggle.

At the end, tell your friends how many of these things you do and carry on with your addiction.

I’ll be here, popping those bubbles you get when someone sends you a package.

Ha!

Package.

Top ten signs of twitter addiction.

1. You Think Your URL Shrinker Is Better Than Someone Else’s.

A “URL shrinker” takes a regular web address and shrinks it to something smaller.

It’s good for Twitter because you have to squeeze things into 140 chars.

So: http://superhotmanateesex.com/manatees-showing-their-peepees-and-weewees-during-spring-break/ turns into this:

http://b.s./m

That’s all it does.

But there’s a swelling population of tweeters who actually care about what URL shrinker they use.

And they all gang up on the tinyURL people.

Ha! You’re tweeting that Mashable link with tinyURL?  What are you, a loser?

Hey Phil, check this dude out with his “Tiny” URL.  Yeah.  Real tiny.  That’s like 90 chars douchebag.

Bit.ly’s the shit.  Why don’t you go back to medieval times, you tinyURL asshole.

Somewhere, someone who used TinyURL is mixing xanax with Jack Daniels.

This is a picture of me furiously shrinking a URL.  Please, can you stop staring at my package?  Thank you.

This is a picture of me shrinking a URL. Please, can you stop staring at my package? Thanks.

2. You’ve Learned How To Ration Out Your Rate Limit.

10 calls to the API left.

Doesn’t reset for another 45 minutes.

Yeah.

You know what you do here.

You’re jumpy.

Edgy.

You need to know what people are tweeting. You can’t be left out.

Boom.

You blow your twitter load.

See you in 45 minutes, nerd.

3. You Know Which Avatar You Like Most Of A Twitter Friend’s.

The saddest part of this statement is that they’re actually not even your real friend.  They’re someone you met on Twitter.  Yet you remember every one of their avatars and can even suggest which you like best.

You can suggest. I didn’t say suggest.

Take it from experience, it only comes off creepy.

4. You Can Tell When Your Spambots Are Getting Hotter.

I know the general hotness quality of the spambots that follow me.  So when I get a new Britney F-ed Vids or some chick who can make my teeth whiter, I make a quick judgement in my head.

Is this chick up to my regular spambot standards?

And depending on this, I make a decision on whether to block them.

I don’t mean to brag but I get some super hot spambots.

Try being less jealous.

ted3

Oh grow up people. She's wearing a shirt.

5. You’ve Used The Term “I Should Tweet That”.

In real life, you’ve told someone or made a mental note to yourself that you should tweet something.

Worse, you’ve pulled out your phone and tweeted it while talking to someone.

I would say that is crippling social behavior but you’d just tweet that, wouldn’t you?

Wouldn’t you?

Exactly.

6. You Get Your News From The Trending Topics.

Always dangerous.

Glee?

Glee’s not news.

7. You’ve Contemplated Going To, Attended, or Dated Someone You Met At A TweetUp.

Anything related to a “TweetUp” sounds absolutely horrible to me.

If you don’t agree with me, ask yourself this question.

Would you ever want your child to hear the sentence:

Mommy and I first met at a TweetUp at a TGI Fridays off I-10.

Thank you.

8. You Actually Hate Someone On Twitter That You Haven’t Met.

The weirdest part about Twitter is that you start to hate people you haven’t met yet.  Just based on their tweets.

Think about that.

That means that even in 140 characters or less, they’ve found a way to be completely unbearable.

That takes a significant level of douchebaggyness.

ted2

This is an actual depiction of my most-hated tweeter. I drew him with female genitalia because he's a douchebag and also? I'm not very mature.

9. You Judge People On Their Following/Follower Count.

Ted follows you.

You don’t know anything about Ted.

You take a look at his image.

Ted looks like a nice guy.

You take a look at his bio.

Look! Ted likes puzzles. How fun and endearing!

Then you look at Ted’s following/follower count.

890 following, 23 followers.

Fuck Ted, man.

Meanwhile, Ted’s a nice guy who just doesn’t know Twitter convention.  Yet hundreds of people have told him to f-himself inside their minds.

That right there?

That’s why Ted’s doing a puzzle and crying all over himself right now.

ted1

This is Ted after you destroy him emotionally, you vultures.

10. When Twitter Goes Down You Spiral Emotionally.

The strongest sign of Twitter addiction is when it’s taken away from you.

Like, 3PM EST every weekday.

And when you see the Fail Whale, what do you do?

You start thinking of what you’re going to tweet.

OMG people! #twitterfail! fail fail.

Yes.

Twitter fixed itself, adjusting to the dynamically growing, almost-impossible need for bandwidth just so you can drop that tweet.

That nectar of intellect.

Because that’s what we needed.

There you have it.  You can probably think of more.

If you’d like, you can follow me on Twitter here.

Make sure you say hi.

If I don’t reply, don’t worry.

It’s because I’m blocking Ted.


  • GHFG
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  • 3536236
  • 3536236
  • Has anyone ever said anything interesting on twitter? If so
    please tweet me. Please tweet me

  • I think you are the great blogger.What a great article have you written.I really enjoyed reading your post.This info is really very useful to all.
    Thanks.... Keep Posting!!

  • Im trying to understand that all "tweet maniacs"  but .. forgive me ... its really crazy.

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  • BuyGiftsItems

    In actual life, you have told somebody or made a mental note to yourself that you ought to tweet something.

    Kamagra

  • Ecsherman

    thank god! im not a twitter addict! i have a career so excessive tweeting and career life dont mix 2 well

  • Tierney

    I'm #7. Met my bf of a year at a tweetup last year. Moved back home after college, friends didn't, and needed some people to hang out with. Went to a tweetup, made friends, met the man of my dreams. Oh well.

  • hanna

    we live in such a sad world with this whole twitter business. im so proud to say i didnt even understand half of the things on that list cuz i hav nothing to do with twitter!!
    just saying the word makes me kinda vomit in my mouth a little

  • Ouch...yes, #3, #5, and #6 have my name written all over them. Too funny! Thanks for the laughs.

  • Hahahah poor puzzle building Ted!

  • allarick

    *I've died poor ted

  • self-proclaimed junkie. but i draw the line at a tweet-up. and i can't stop looking at your package even though you asked so politely.

  • Only started Twitter about a few weeks ago, but from the looks of this list, I'm addicted! #8 is my favorite. Yes there are some people I can't stand just based on their tweets, have I met them? No. Is that ridiculous to dislike someone based on 140 characters at a time? Yes.

  • Shit, after reading this I caught myself actually making a mental note not to use TinyURL anymore...kill me.

  • I love how you referenced 1-10 in this post. YES!!! Ha ha.

  • I have to say I literally LOL'd at this. And I don't use LOL unless I actually LOL, otherwise I use a simple haha. I am guilty of a few of these, although some are just too creepy for me and I hope I will never, ever even contemplate doing #7.

    Ciaran @PopCultMonster <- because it won't connect to my Twitter. :(

  • Fay

    LOL Guilty of #6

  • KDF

    10 Signs You're A Social Media Addict http://kdf-comp.blogspot.com/2...

  • I consider myself a newbe in this strange ''Twitter land''. I still don't know how to shrink URL. Too lazy I guess. Or maybe to busy trying to figure out who's out there and what they have to say.

    PS I enjoy reading your posts even thou I knew what it meant to carry the 1.:)

    lise

  • andrewutter

    hilarious!!!! We are all Ted now!

  • VERY COOL!!!

  • I'm actually out of the Twitter mania as of late. Once upon a time, the moment the doors closed on the Beijing Subway, I would be in maniac tweeting mode (didn't want to lose the iPhone in that gap!)...

    I've been dozing on trains and have taken a semi-twabbatical off Twitter as of late... bad behavior...

  • amotherworld

    Brilliant!!!

  • 11. you think all day long to twitter :)

  • What happens in Vegas, stays on Twitter.

    (Just back from Vegas for #spc09) ... great article. :)

  • LMAO @ this. #'s 1,3,& 5-10 all had me LMAO @ the sad reality of it all!!! I'm #8 for TeaBaggers.

  • mmmmmmmmmmm well yea I use twitter a lot – I am a “twittermaniac”
    I love twitter :D ~ @angelistiic

    http://angelistiic.blogspot.co...

  • jenp

    1 - http://j.mp/ - seriously
    5 - maybe twice
    9 - sadly

    not TOO bad, could be worse

  • djdiva

    I am so #5 and #9 LMAO

  • celeb-invasion

    hahaha @ # 5, 6, & 8

  • Dude, you are now a social media consultant or what? Probably not. Cause this is the best list EVER! Only that you didn't mention Twitter Crush. Like, I've got one now, after reading this list...

  • Out

    You're also a sexist asshole. Why is it a put-down to draw a guy with female genitals? Lame article.

  • That pic was of you wasn't it? It's ok... admit it, come to accept your doucheyness, and the healing can begin

  • Glee is so news, lol.

  • Debs1220

    funny. lol

  • I'm not so bad awake, but recently I have been reading tweete all night, then wondered how I didn't know that I had slept. Wow!

  • I am in love with your brain.

  • riggledo

    Dudes *totally* giggle!

  • roula

    This is hysterical--and so true. I'd like to re run this--please contact me via e-mail for permission rights, etc.

  • I thought I was, but maybe I'm not after all. (sigh of relief). But, what about Twitter dreams. Had one the other night and my first thought was: "I should tweet that..."

  • Agreed some of the spambots look pretty hot, but its not them really.
    Average humans follow more than get followed, do celebs not get this part? Ted's nice remember.
    I can draw too, just not feet. I use Autocad at work, it doesn't draw people well.
    I linked here through @Alyssa_Milano Twitter addict queen
    I really don't know why some people (not spambots) decide to follow me, I DON'T KNOW YOU!
    Celebs don't have that luxury of blocking people all the time. @aplusk would be at 100,000 without spambots.
    I don't tweet on a bike, HELLO traffic you dufus.
    I tweet from home or work, not in cars or on bikes, I actually DRIVE and never owned a Blackberry
    My Ipod is a possible home tweet, that's all.
    I'm an author when I'm not working, like now for instance.

  • tedwhitford

    I'm toast. Do you think they'll be coming to take me away soon. Oh god , I'm like so worried about my API. Was over limit yesterday. Now I'm so depressed. Think I'll go Blip some tunes.

  • Nunya Biz

    Nothing but retardedly lame.

  • annachristie

    You are so hilarious, dude! I love your tweets and your blog. I hope you can make some money doing all this stuff and like, get your own apartment.
    Douchebagginess. ha ha ha ha ha!

  • These are some really funny Twiter addict points and they are pretty dead on. I'm probably about 7 out of 10

  • OMG... this all sounds so darn familiar. Am I also getting addicted to Twitter?... But I don't mind it either ;)

  • OMG! get off my head already!!! :P

  • Awesome post!

  • lol - have a look @ the retweet counter.

    But, I have another one:
    When you seeing the @sign, you instantly going to think who "sign" is.

  • Damn, I think I'm addicted.

  • Awesome. Can't wait to tweet this list out. My followers will think i'm a comic genius.

    I want a print of drawing #1 for my office.

  • danita

    no, no, no no no no no no no! i have NOT been on Twitter long enough to fit into so many of the ten signs of addiction. not possible. nope. no way! you suck!!!
    [intervention anyone?]

  • LOL!!! I like number 8!

  • And I'm using idek.net which kicks TinyURL's bootay.

  • Number 9 is my favorite. I'm tweeting it right now.

    No... seriously...

  • tcgosse

    that was freaking hilarious...i dont much giggling!!!!

  • I'm nearly a Twitter addict, according to this list, haha... Great post!

  • Spewed my coffee over this one, TN. You owe me a monitor.
    Best few minutes I ever spent at work.

  • Man do I ever hate you... hope you go crying upstairs to your moms.... loser ;)

  • It's official, I'm such an addict. I'm extremely guilty of #'s 1, 6, 7, and 9. The others only slightly guilty, but at some point, guilty. Thanks for confirming that my life is spiraling into Twitter nothingness quicker than you can type 140 characters.

  • 8/10.

    why do your self portraits always have HUGE HAIRY packages?

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