Douchebags have arrived to twitter in droves.
In whatever word means ‘large quantities’.
Douchebags have arrived to twitter in KFC Family Meal-sizes.
OK. That’s just what I’m eating right now.
But they’re here.
And recently I have discovered that they are charging people to learn how to get retweets.
Don’t worry. I’m coming to the nerdy rescue. I will not stand idle while these self-proclaimed social media douches violate these rich nerds.
I want to do that.
But since I’m lazy, I’ll just give you the secrets for free.
I’ll share the five secrets the ‘experts’ don’t want to tell you.
The secrets they don’t even know.
What makes you so qualified? Why should anyone read this.
Because I get retweeted without gaming Twitter for followers. And all I do is tweet to promote myself. I’m the most self-centered tweeting douchebag out there.
How do I know I will get the most bang for my buck from this article?
First, don’t ever use that term again. Second, ask yourself this:
Did you arrive to this article from a tweet?
Maybe a retweet?
Let’s get started.
1. Focus On The Sexually Active.
Think of a retweet as an STD. But one that’s not devastating. One that still retains a measure of hilarity.
Let’s do crabs.
Now picture twitter as sexy college campus during the first week of school.
Now think carefully.
Who is in danger of getting crabs?
The dudes that are totally doing chicks, right?
The chicks getting totally done, right?
Is the fat, hairy terroristy looking dude going to get crabs?
Of course not.
So don’t fill your followers with people like him.
Focus on the sexually-liberated cool kids.
That’s how you get crabs.
2. Write Smarter Not Shorter.
The number one thing ‘social media experts’ tell you is to be brief and concise.
They tell you this because it sounds smart. But it’s actually incredibly wrong.
Brevity isn’t valuable unless it’s coupled with strategy.
If it takes you 23 more characters to capture someone’s attention, then write 23 more characters.
Take a look at the headline that got you here. That’s not very short is it? But it works.
Find the gentle blend between brevity and sexiness. Read your tweet to yourself and ask yourself would I pluck this out of a stream of 50 other tweets? What makes this one better?
Because you have to be better than 50 other tweets. You have to.
Otherwise you’re going to be unnoticed.
(Right here I’d make a joke about the line pluck this out of a stream but I’m much more evolved now, you big dumb face stupid head.)
3. Don’t Ever “Please RT”
Girls, would you ever tell a guy: “please go out with me”?
Guys, would you ever tell a chick: “please have sex with me”?
Guys, don’t answer that.
I know. I know.
It’s like our anthem.
The point is, asking someone to please RT destroys the perceived value of your tweet.
4. Timing Is Everything.
There’s really no theory here. For the most RTs, tweet at these times, all Eastern Standard.
5AM, 9AM, 1PM, 3PM, 6PM, 11PM.
The key time there is between 3 and 6pm EST.
Only I could make that number nerdy.
5. Stop Caring About Everyone.
Everyone cares so much about what other people think on Twitter. It’s overwhelmed by disclaimers. Apologies. Apologies about apologies not disclaiming enough.
Nobody wants to lose a follower by offending them somehow.
Which is why RTs are hard to come by.
It’s time to not care. If you want to get RTed more, you need to thin your herd of followers and shave it down to a core group of people who understand you.
Who like you for whatever you say.
Not a bunch of sensitive prancy-boys who flee every time you tweet the words “bum juice”.
That’s my cleansing tweet.
I tweet just those words and then people I don’t like leave and people I enjoy stay behind.
Use the bum juice.
There you have it. Use these tips and you’ll amplify your retweetyness.
I’d keep writing but it’s 4:20.
And you know.
I have to retweet something I’ve been meaning to retweet for a while.
Not offended by bum juice? Then follow me here.
Like bum juice? Then unfollow me here.