5 Secrets To Get Retweets That The Experts Won’t Tell You.

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Douchebags have arrived to twitter in droves.

In herds.

In whatever word means ‘large quantities’.

Douchebags have arrived to twitter in KFC Family Meal-sizes.

OK.  That’s just what I’m eating right now.

But they’re here.

And recently I have discovered that they are charging people to learn how to get retweets.

Hilarious.

Don’t worry.  I’m coming to the nerdy rescue.  I will not stand idle while these self-proclaimed social media douches violate these rich nerds.

I want to do that.

But since I’m lazy, I’ll just give you the secrets for free.

I’ll share the five secrets the ‘experts’ don’t want to tell you.

The secrets they don’t even know.

What makes you so qualified?  Why should anyone read this.

Because I get retweeted without gaming Twitter for followers.  And all I do is tweet to promote myself.  I’m the most self-centered tweeting douchebag out there.

How do I know I will get the most bang for my buck from this article?

First, don’t ever use that term again.  Second, ask yourself this:

Did you arrive to this article from a tweet?

Maybe a retweet?

Exactly.

Let’s get started.

James Dawson

Indeed!

1. Focus On The Sexually Active.

Think of a retweet as an STD.  But one that’s not devastating.  One that still retains a measure of hilarity.

Crabs.

Let’s do crabs.

Now picture twitter as sexy college campus during the first week of school.

Now think carefully.

Who is in danger of getting crabs?

The dudes that are totally doing chicks, right?

The chicks getting totally done, right?

Is the fat, hairy terroristy looking dude going to get crabs?

Of course not.

So don’t fill your followers with people like him.

Focus on the sexually-liberated cool kids.

That’s how you get crabs.

2. Write Smarter Not Shorter.

The number one thing ‘social media experts’ tell you is to be brief and concise.

They tell you this because it sounds smart.  But it’s actually incredibly wrong.

Brevity isn’t valuable unless it’s coupled with strategy.

If it takes you 23 more characters to capture someone’s attention, then write 23 more characters.

Take a look at the headline that got you here.  That’s not very short is it?  But it works.

Find the gentle blend between brevity and sexiness.  Read your tweet to yourself and ask yourself would I pluck this out of a stream of 50 other tweets?  What makes this one better?

Because you have to be better than 50 other tweets.  You have to.

Otherwise you’re going to be unnoticed.

(Right here I’d make a joke about the line pluck this out of a stream but I’m much more evolved now, you big dumb face stupid head.)

3. Don’t Ever “Please RT”

Girls, would you ever tell a guy: “please go out with me”?

Guys, would you ever tell a chick: “please have sex with me”?

Wait.

Guys, don’t answer that.

I know. I know.

It’s like our anthem.

The point is, asking someone to please RT destroys the perceived value of your tweet.

4. Timing Is Everything.

There’s really no theory here.  For the most RTs, tweet at these times, all Eastern Standard.

5AM, 9AM, 1PM, 3PM, 6PM, 11PM.

The key time there is between 3 and 6pm EST.

Specifically?

4:20.

Ha!

Only I could make that number nerdy.

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There's always time to appreciate nature.

5. Stop Caring About Everyone.

Everyone cares so much about what other people think on Twitter.  It’s overwhelmed by disclaimers.  Apologies.  Apologies about apologies not disclaiming enough.

Nobody wants to lose a follower by offending them somehow.

Which is why RTs are hard to come by.

It’s time to not care.  If you want to get RTed more, you need to thin your herd of followers and shave it down to a core group of people who understand you.

Who like you for whatever you say.

Not a bunch of sensitive prancy-boys who flee every time you tweet the words “bum juice”.

That’s my cleansing tweet.

Bum juice.

I tweet just those words and then people I don’t like leave and people I enjoy stay behind.

Trust me.

Use the bum juice.

There you have it.  Use these tips and you’ll amplify your retweetyness.

I’d keep writing but it’s 4:20.

And you know.

I have to retweet something I’ve been meaning to retweet for a while.

-

Not offended by bum juice?  Then follow me here.

Like bum juice?  Then unfollow me here.

  • Best

  • OK.  That’s just what I’m eating right now.

  • Douchebags have arrived to twitter in KFC Family Meal-sizes.

  • Don’t worry.  I’m coming to the nerdy rescue.  I will not stand idle
    while these self-proclaimed social media douches violate these rich
    nerds.

  • Hahaha!  Loved the conciseness and fast flow of your thoughts!  Truth! 

  • Hippo2011
  • You are a really great author. discount chi flat iron Wish you lots of success in your endeavors. 

  • Haha...Analogy between 'sexually active" and retweeting is a good one! It was fun to read!

  • 1Doctrno / 1TommyD.

        Thank you... informative and refreshing...Thank for taking the time...1Doctrno

  • Phillip

    I landed here by accident. Tell me, who might you be?

    Oh, and what, pray tell, is bum juice?

  • I like to use retweettrader.com

  • Jjj

    Z

  • Rcl4rk

    Great info. Getting retweeted is crucial to growing your followers on a massive scale. Thanks!

  • Good insight. Its wooing your folks

    Regards
    Pervara

  • Gumballspinweel

    <<thanks for="" the="" awesome="" advice="" -="" twitter="" rocks!!!!="">>

  • Tip #6 #Add #hashmarks #to #everything

  • :) brilliant! refreshing to see some humour with education! enjoyed your post and will keep the headlines in mind for future ref. not sure about the bum juice one but might just try it for fun :)
    Cindy
    @notjustagranny

  • Zxl

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    This is such a great bag and can be used for so many things. You can use it as a school bookbag, diaper bag, overnight bag, or even a travel
    www.coolcoachbags.com

  • Dotjenna

    Fabby!

  • Thought about following you, but I've always disliked one-sided relationships. Oh, what the hell, tell me more!

  • Well , the view of the passage is totally correct ,your details is really reasonable and you guy give us valuable informative post, I totally agree the standpoint of upstairs. I often surfing on this forum when I m free and I find there are so much good information we can learn in this forum! http://www.thecrowdisgone.com/

  • I personally believe it is OK to ask for "PLZ RT" in some occasions. I have found more tweeps responding to such tweets.

  • awesome text, mr. tremendous! funny, yet valuable... i salute you! thanks, learned a lot!

    allow me to... retweet this.

    @evasurga

  • grantwhiteside

    force is the smartest product so far.

  • Brilliant

  • I can't get over how hilarious some of this stuff is.

  • deb

    I thought that vulvaface was to be your buzz word?

  • claritynow

    Bum juice actually sounds pretty tasty if you say it out of context.

  • Guest

    Love the first photo.

    Are you from Toronto?

    Dan
    http://danhowepr.blogspot.com/

  • norean

    who needs rt's. i'm in it for the entertainment. some of the crap on twitter is just unbelieveably funny. probably not meant to be, but funny none the less.

  • So Very True....Great Tips.....Now Where Can I Get A Case Of That BUM JUICE???lol

  • Your the bomb!

  • bester

    Retweetyness is not a word and I am completely (and totally) neutral about bum juice.
    Do peeps have to drink a lot to be funny? I ask myself.
    Is it devil-may-care humor that arises from alcohol and substance abuse that is funny? I mean, would the universe itself find this funny?

  • more funny than useful, but i laughed out loud a few times so it was well worth it. thanks!

  • Nice tips on getting Retweets... thanks for the helpful tips.

  • theSpecialDoctor

    You're insane!

  • #5 is it in a nutshell.

  • I needed a good laugh today. Now I'm off to RT.

  • crazysexytechiecool

    I think u can use please RT if it is a social issue or 'help with this" or a emergency situation. Besides that, yes pleas RT is a little like begging..

  • What is this retweet thing that you speak of?

  • Irant

    What the hell? This actually had good insights & was very useful! WTF? You're losing it, @tremendousnews

  • I would disagree on the third point; "please RT" and "Please" is one of the most RT words on Twitter. If not used often a please RT message from a person I dig would quickly be RT by myself. But I'm a juicy bum, whadda I know?

  • Brevity isn’t valuable unless it’s coupled with strategy. - what a pitch! is that from a writing seminar somewhere?

    good tips here. i love the crab example.

  • Not often I read every word of a blog post but you definitely kept me entertained while giving good tips. Thanks!

  • centdev

    Great stuff. Never heard "bum juice" before and unfortunately its been seared into my brain so I'll need to reference something with it soon.

  • Well said, Tremendous News! This is too funny not to be retweeted.
    I must go.... it's almost 4.20....It's *always* 4.20 somewhere in the world. Cheers!

  • While I am terrified by your over-use of "Bum Juice" I still hang around, re-tweeting away like an obedient little dobernerd. Enjoy.

  • In India, 420 is a word used for a "cheat" because it refers to Article 420 of the Penal Code (now don't get nasty with that one) that refers to cheats/thieves/bad boys etc. Is that nerdy enough for you?

  • Brilliant, came here on a recommendation, glad I did.
    Bum Juice now added to vocabulary !!

  • This is a perfect example of why I enjoy following you on Twitter and reading everything on this site. You have great, and actually educational, information (at least half of the time; the rest of the time, it's pure comic genius, which is still great), but you deliver it in a wonderfully sarcastic way. It's my favorite way to get news and info. Fantastic!
    Oh, I almost forgot. Also, STDs have never sounded so good. It almost makes me want one or two. Are you donating?

  • YES! The best and only article on how one can or should or even could get retweeted ;) Brilliantly executed mate!

    I've been training under your tutelage I think I've accomplished all five steps...

    1. I've got more STD's than a two dollar two toothed whore on a Tuesday during Tranny Twestival Week :)
    2. The art is in the words that are between the spaces, like in your case bum juice. So my tweets usually read something like this:

    RT @wpstudios: RT @iamkhayyam Use <bum juice=""> Firebug in Any Browsers <bumjuice> http://j.mp/CmA3l

    See?! It's what you don't say...

    3. What about PLZ RT... cause I think I just did. I'll take a Mulligan. Throw me another Top Flite.

    4. Those numbers are completely wrong. It's more like 9AM-1PM-3PM-6PM-11PM-5AM (pretty much all the way through, those four hours are spent ordering food from topless sushi joints, watching Gossip Girl, taking a subway and #140winks to cap it all off. Oh wait, that's just me :(

    5. Up Yours! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsMFZBDIcFs

    Thank you for teaching me your ways. Thanks to you, I'm now putting out more bum juice than ever!

    BUM JUICE FTW

    I'm here all week... try my tweets ✌

  • Hilarious, though I am not sure I would agree on a serious level other than the idiots trying to get money to teach people how to tweet. We already got some people trying to charge for non-accredited courses to teach WordPress. *sighs*

    I laugh at this at first, but get pissed off about the people doing this... that is why I unfollow them along with the people who keep tweeting how they get 400 followers a day - which does not work.

  • g8 post! aihlaikkit!!! yep! NO.3 are RT killer "BIG TIME"! http://rmilana.tumblr.com/post...

  • This is perhaps the most useful article on RT-ing that I've ever read. Effing brilliant, dude.

    Here's to not caring. *Raises my glass of JD to you*

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