Last night I screened the television programme Cougar Town.
I enjoyed it.
It was fun and smart. And the chick from Friends was like almost totally naked.
2 moobs up.
Before you get a mental picture of my moobs, let’s quickly pivot to the real issue at hand.
Cougars are older women who like younger men.
They are a gift to my universe.
When I bus to the local pub, after dozens of younger chicks have hilariously rejected my advances, I am left with the cougar.
The 49 year-old dyed-blonde hair, cigarette-smoking, Nascar-watching, fake-tan-having, wonky-eyed cougar.
Who are always from “just outside the city”.
The cougar will pay attention to me.
When I can’t score with super hot women, the cougar will coddle my shattered spirit back to health.
And then steal money from my jeans.
But not all cougars are like this. There are hot cougars, like Courtney Cox in Cougar Town and busted fat cougars like the ones that find me charming.
A very wide spectrum indeed.
Since I’m a friend to cougars, I will now instruct them on how to use Twitter to find their prey: the young college-aged male.
If you’re not a cougar, exit here.
This is just for them.
1. Stop Being So Obvious.
Look, I know you like to “just go for it” and pinch the buttocks of young men you see at the salsa bar.
It doesn’t work like that on Twitter.
Here’s a search you probably try every day.
2. Start Being Relevant Again.
When you were a teenager, I’m sure the Beatles were big.
That’s cool. I love the Beatles. But guys who go to the University of Texas at El Paso don’t give two shits.
Start being relevant.
Modify your tweets:
Your tweet now: My friend Margaret and I are going to have a ladies night tonight! Can’t wait to unwind with a good merlot.
Your tweet after: OMG, M where U at, girl!? jonny & peaNut r waiting at the club. hurry up u whore. lolz
Use Jonny and Peanut.
3. Get In On The Trending Topics That Were Brought To Us By Large Amounts Of Marijuana.
Twitter has been hijacked by young people.
Each day, a bunch of them cut class and meet at a bus stop in Encino, California to generate the dumbest hashtags known to man.
To the rest of us, this is annoying turbulence on our Twitter voyage.
For you, opportunity.
Get in on this, tweet to the trending topics.
It’s where the guys are.
And when you’re done, translate that shit to me. I have no idea what any of it means.
4. It’s OK To Use That Picture Of You From Ten Years Ago.
Young guys don’t want to be affronted with startling reality.
Use the picture from ten years ago.
5. Search Smart.
I showed you a horrible search.
Here are a few that can really help you out.
This search provides individuals who are upset at the immaturity of younger girls. This is exactly the sentiment you are looking for. Note the last tweet. Rob is a targeted match.
This search generates all individuals in your fan club. I have highlighted some targets. Also, the last individual has provided you with possibly the best idea I’ve ever heard.
Run with it.
And there you have it, cougars.
I hope this helps you on your quest for college-aged men.
You can follow me on Twitter for more tips.
Now I must leave.
Jonny and Peanut are waiting at the club.
Let’s poke-intercourse each other on Facebook here.