5 Ways Cougars Can Use Twitter To Find Prey.


Since I've been threatened by lawyers, I now have to draw back-up images in case I have to take the real image down. In the end, we all lose.

Last night I screened the television programme Cougar Town.

I enjoyed it.

It was fun and smart.  And the chick from Friends was like almost totally naked.

2 moobs up.

Before you get a mental picture of my moobs, let’s quickly pivot to the real issue at hand.


Cougars are older women who like younger men.

They are a gift to my universe.

When I bus to the local pub, after dozens of younger chicks have hilariously rejected my advances, I am left with the cougar.

The 49 year-old dyed-blonde hair, cigarette-smoking, Nascar-watching, fake-tan-having, wonky-eyed cougar.

Who are always from “just outside the city”.

The cougar will pay attention to me.

When I can’t score with super hot women, the cougar will coddle my shattered spirit back to health.

And then steal money from my jeans.

But not all cougars are like this.  There are hot cougars, like Courtney Cox in Cougar Town and busted fat cougars like the ones that find me charming.

A very wide spectrum indeed.

Since I’m a friend to cougars, I will now instruct them on how to use Twitter to find their prey: the young college-aged male.

If you’re not a cougar, exit here.

This is just for them.

1. Stop Being So Obvious.

Look, I know you like to “just go for it” and pinch the buttocks of young men you see at the salsa bar.

It doesn’t work like that on Twitter.

Here’s a search you probably try every day.



Doesn’t work.

2. Start Being Relevant Again.

When you were a teenager, I’m sure the Beatles were big.

That’s cool.  I love the Beatles.  But guys who go to the University of Texas at El Paso don’t give two shits.

Start being relevant.

Modify your tweets:

Your tweet now: My friend Margaret and I are going to have a ladies night tonight!  Can’t wait to unwind with a good merlot.

Your tweet after: OMG, M where U at, girl!?  jonny & peaNut r waiting at the club.  hurry up u whore. lolz

Trust me.

Use Jonny and Peanut.


If anyone asks, say you were here last night. Not watching Titanic and hating your ex husband.

3.  Get In On The Trending Topics That Were Brought To Us By Large Amounts Of Marijuana.

Twitter has been hijacked by young people.

Each day, a bunch of them cut class and meet at a bus stop in Encino, California to generate the dumbest hashtags known to man.




To the rest of us, this is annoying turbulence on our Twitter voyage.

For you, opportunity.

Get in on this, tweet to the trending topics.

It’s where the guys are.

And when you’re done, translate that shit to me.  I have no idea what any of it means.

4. It’s OK To Use That Picture Of You From Ten Years Ago.

Young guys don’t want to be affronted with startling reality.

Use the picture from ten years ago.


Who’s counting.

5. Search Smart.

I showed you a horrible search.

Here are a few that can really help you out.


This search provides individuals who are upset at the immaturity of younger girls.  This is exactly the sentiment you are looking for.  Note the last tweet.  Rob is a targeted match.


This search generates all individuals in your fan club.  I have highlighted some targets.  Also, the last individual has provided you with possibly the best idea I’ve ever heard.

Run with it.

And there you have it, cougars.

I hope this helps you on your quest for college-aged men.

You can follow me on Twitter for more tips.

Now I must leave.

Jonny and Peanut are waiting at the club.

Let’s poke-intercourse each other on Facebook here.


  • It was fun and smart.  And the chick from Friends was like almost totally naked.

  • sanuly

    I especially like the one about the hash tags!!! Seriously its all Justin bieber this and Miley Cyrus & Jonas that? I thought twitter was a place we adults could hang.... Hash tags SUCK!

  • sanuly

    Yeah I was thinking the same thing as @aburtch. Courtney is hot. But the thin lipped hooker photoshop abomination with the pig nose is NOT! It doesn't even look like a real human being, much less Courtney!

  • That photo of Courtney Cox has been airbrushed within an inch of it's life. (Is she still alive?)

  • Edrees

    this is one of the funniest articles you have ever written ahhahahahah

  • I've always preferred pumas. Cougars are older and they kinda begin to fall apart, esp. when they wake up in the morning.

    Except, I'm of a jaguar age myself now )))))

  • BlondeBlogger

    "hurry up u whore. lolz" ahahaha!!

  • I just signed myself up for the National Cougar Convention next summer. Thanks TN!!!

  • show us your moobs! too funny. you nailed the target searches and matches.

  • This is hilarious

  • jonny

    ahahahahaha that was funny.

  • Indeed. Cougars are dangerous, no doubt. But fun to cuddle it must be said. All cuddly and fluffy...

  • Priyanka Singh

    I want to be a cougar when I grow up, a classy one that drinks merlot with a beautifully tragic aura, the type of aura one gets when they lose their husband in one of those freakish too-much-viagra-popping episodes. Realistic dreams, I like that.

  • I shall clip this and put it up on the fridge at work. Should be of interest to any number of women there. Well done, TN!

  • hAHAHA,,,GREAT Now i know what to tweet...lol

  • probablywrong

    your vast knowledge in this particular field is quite alarming.

  • "... guys who go to the University of Texas at El Paso ... " I know that you're speaking from personal experience here, D. Pretty soon you're going to have all kinds of cougar's LoLcatz-ing your newsprint off.

  • danita

    "Before you get a mental picture of my moobs, let’s quickly pivot to the real issue at hand."
    (oops, too late...)
    well done TN...lemme know how things go at the convention.

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