Twitter’s Top 10 Celebrity Avatars.

This is me analyzing thousands of celebrity avatars to compile this precise list.  Please.  Stop staring at my package.

This is me analyzing thousands of celebrity avatars to compile this precise list. Minus 300 pounds.

Recently, People Magazine released their Best Dressed Celebrities.

Which is great if you follow around celebrities all day like creepy paparazzi, super fans and stalkers.

I’m too lazy to be any of those.

Instead, I take to Twitter where I read celebrities updating their status and then alert my friends like I actually know them.

Hey Nick, did you hear about how Nia Vardalos, the chick from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, was at the HBO party last night?  She sent you those pictures right?

No?  Weird.  Yeah.  She sent a few to my blackberry.

Yeah, I like totally know her.

We’re like making out and stuff.

Meanwhile Nia Vardalos has no idea who I am, I just fish through her stream to pluck out gems I can tell my friends about so they’ll think I’m cool.

I know.

Welcome to a cold, dark life.


“Fish through her stream.”

Anyway, today I’ll reward ten celebrities on Twitter who I think have the best avatars.  I ranked them on three categories: originality, super-hotness and clothing.

I was going to give them an award, but since I’m hilariously poor, I can’t afford anything.

Instead, I hand-drew their avatars through my artistic eye.  This, this spawn of artistic genius, is my gift to them.

Let’s get started.

10.  Lisa Rinna.

Many celebrities can’t do what Lisa Rinna does in this avatar.  The former Melrose Place star gives us her rawness, her inner core.  Her soul of souls.


Look at those abs.

Damn, son.


Lisa wins with this avatar on two counts.  First, 9 out of 10 guys who look at this avatar will say dude, she’s like totally not wearing any bottoms.

That’s cool.

Although, the term “bottoms” doesn’t make you sound very manly.

Second, this is an action shot.  It’s Lisa in her natural habitat, a super exclusive Malibu beach with security designed to keep gross people like me out.

Congratulations Lisa!


9. Taylor Swift.


After the controversy Taylor Swift endured during the VMAs, she is now a wounded dove.


I totally just made that up to make chicks think I’m sensitive.

But what I like about Taylor’s avatar is this: it’s simple.  It could’ve been taken on a webcam.  Maybe a timer on her camera.  She just exudes simple, sweet, niceness.

Niceness, people.


Her hair’s pretty cool all curly and stuff.  And that towel/dress she’s wearing is pretty cool too.

You don’t know anything about fashion do you?

Not really.  Right now I’m wearing a Bart Simpson T-shirt with acid washed jeans.

So why even pretend like you do?

Because that’s what people want.  Don’t worry. If I drop enough bullshit celebrity tabloid “buzz words” they won’t even care.

I like the gorgeous gams and fabulous frock!  Sizzling hot, Taylor!


I bring it.


8. Dr. Drew Pinsky.


I know many of you are saying but you’re a super hetero dude who like totally does chicks and stuff.  Why a guy?

Because I can’t disappoint my readers.

Most of my readers are women.  And it’s unfair if I don’t include at least one guy.

But there’s no way I’m including John Mayer or David Beckham or somebody that would distract them from maybe, even remotely, wanting me.

Dr. Drew fits the bill.

He’s married, super nerdy smart, and poses no challenge to any guy reading this.

Well, fine.

He poses a challenge to me.


Who doesn`t pose a challenge to me.

I like what Drew does in this avatar.  Solemn straight look.  Not all I`m-so-great-and-have-all-these-TV-shows-so-I`m-better-than-you.  More just hey, this is who I am.  Let`s get with the tweeting already.


7. Tyra Banks.


Tyra made the list for one reason.

She’s naked.

But maybe she’s not? Maybe she’s wearing a “tube top”?

Lie to me.

Lie to me, schizophrenic random voice in italics.

Lie to me and say she’s naked.

Because when we see you cropped up from your shoulders, we assume you’re naked.

This is why she wins.


The cork board behind her is pretty cool.  You sit there and tell me with a straight face that you don’t like a good cork board.


6. Alyssa Milano.


Sometimes you just need a good, clean Maxim-style shot.

Something where, if you’re in a lineup buying a replacement toaster because you broke your mom’s toaster and she yelled at you to go buy a replacement one at a Walmart in east Toronto, you can turn to Twitter.

Look at a tweet from Alyssa Milano.

Tilt your phone so other lame-ass Walmart customers can peek over at your phone.

You know they’re doing it.

They totally are.

And then they see this.

The Alyssa Milano Maxim shot.  And then, after Alyssa tweets something important like election results from somewhere, I nod my head and say out loud, oh Alyssa Milano from TV’s Who’s The Boss.  Thanks for sending me that link.

Then I look behind to see if the Walmart people heard me.

I know.

That’s where I am socially.


5. Lindsay Lohan.


I know what you’re thinking.

That looks like the generic celebrity picture.  Why is she so different.

Look again.

Look harder.

Lindsay embraces her red-hairedyness with this picture.

Instead of uploading an avatar, Lindsay Lohan uploaded a beacon for red-heads everywhere.

As you know, I’m a huge supporter of red-heads, and support anyone that advances the pro-red-head agenda.

That’s why Lindsay makes the list.  For being proud.



But mostly the other thing that sounded like I had more class.

Thank you.


4. Perez Hilton.


If you don’t like Perez Hilton’s avatar, just wait a minute.

It’ll change.

This one, I like.

Mostly because I like fuschia.

Is that a color?


I feel like it was one of the crayons I tore my septal cartilage with when I was six.



Last year.


3. Nia Vardalos.



It’s grainy.


It’s small.

Yes it’s not celebrity-ish-y-ness.

But that’s why I like it.

Nia Vardalos’ avatar screams hey guys, I’m just like you.  I don’t even care about my avatar, I just want to tweet and be cool with everyone.  Even though you live at home with your parents at 29 and look like a terrorist, I still want to click on your shrunken URL.

That right there?

That’s why I like it.


2. Demi Moore.


Any celebrity that’s comfortable with a picture of them as a kid is cool by me.

Alarmingly, I looked like Demi Moore when I was 8.

Except fatter.

Devastatingly fatter.


1. Sarah Silverman.


Close your eyes and think of your avatar right now.

It’s you at your computer, right?

You in front of a bathroom mirror taking a picture of yourself.

How very pedestrian.

Sarah Silverman’s licking a dog.

That’s called being tremendous.


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