Recently Unfollowed? 5 Reasons Why That’s A Good Thing.

Due to massive copyright infringement charges against Tremendous News, I have to hand-draw my own images for this article.

Due to massive copyright infringement charges against Tremendous News, I have to hand-draw my own images for this article.

Who knew every insecurity known to man could fit into 140 characters or less?

..

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Like that?

That was supposed to be my professional-sounding journalistical lead-in to my hard-hitting article.

I want smart people reading this to be impressed.

Struck out, right?

Whatever.

The point is, Twitter is a giant nerd-orgy of insecure people.

If you don’t believe me, ask anyone on Twitter whether someone has unfollowed them.

Only bullshit spambots man.  Not real people I care about.

Meanwhile, real people they care about unfollow them every week.

Dozens of them.

But they won’t admit it to you.  They secretly nurse that pain.

The pain of someone unfollowing you.

I don’t care about unfollowers, I just keep moving forward.

Okay.

Twitter’s about people who follow you not those who don’t.

Then why do you check those who-unfollowed-me websites every day?

Not to find out who unfollowed me. Just to organize my followers and make like groups and stuff.

Ha!

Your pants, sir, are currently on fire.

Today, I’m going to explain why you being unfollowed by someone is amazingly good.

Tremendous, even.

And of course, it’s in a list.

5 Reasons Why It’s Great To Be Unfollowed.

1. Your Follower Count Will Destroy You.

If you’re preoccupied by how many people follow you, you’ll always be disappointed.  Remember your first follower?  Remember?

It was Britney F-Vids wasn’t it?

Me too!

If you remember back when you started Twitter, each follower was a joy.

Now it’s just a number.

It’s a pedestrian way to look at the people buying in to your life.  These followers, each one unique and special, want a piece of who you are.

I know right?

Nobody wants a piece of who you are.

Enjoy it.  Be happy with 1.

The rest is gravy.

For the guys, this is a super hot chick laying on the beach in just a bikini.  Thank me later.

This is a super hot chick laying on the beach in just a bikini. Thank me later.

2. That Person Was Going To Leave You Anyway.

When I first noticed I was unfollowed by someone, I took it pretty hard.

It was somewhere around March-Aprilish.

OK.  March 12th, at 12:18pm.

I saw that someone named Terry decided he had enough of me.

I immediately went to his page and refreshed it seventy times while crying all over myself in my peejay pants with the racing stripe.

What did I do to you Terry?

Refresh.

I can change, dude. Give me another shot.

Refresh.

Dude, you’re tweeting Lolcats?  Lolcats is better than me?  You little fu…

Refresh.

But then something struck me.  I thought to myself If bitch-ass Terry is tweeting Lolcats, he’ll eventually be annoyed with my strong Anti-Lolcats, Pro-Anything-But-Lolcats agenda.

He was going to leave me anyway.

Also?  His name’s Terry.

Awful name.

Bitch-ass Terry at work.

Bitch-ass Terry at work.

3. Less Is More.

Why is having more followers better?

You have to impress more people.  There’s way more pressure.  If I had 50 000 people, I couldn’t tweet the term “bum juice”.

See?

You’re grossed out right now.

If you were following me and I tweeted “bum juice” you’d unfollow me right?

Exactly.

That’s why less is better.

My pack of followers love bum juice.

4. You’re A Grown Adult.  This? This Is Important To You?

When you’re on Twitter, you act like you’re 5.

You look at how many followers other people have.  You try to get more yourself.

On the outside you say  I like to share things on Twitter and learn.

Inside you’re saying How does Ashton Kutcher have 3 million followers and I have 5?  And 3 are Britney F-d Vids.  How?

You don’t think I know?

Grow up.

But you, yourself cry.  And you act like you’re 5 all the time.

Yeah but I’m unemployed, lazy and pretty fat.  Also?  I have the head shape of an eggplant.

I deserve it.

Self-portrait.  Notice the eggplantyness.

Self-portrait. Notice the eggplantyness.

5. Don’t Grow An Audience, Grow Your Audience.

When I add followers, they’re mostly people who read TN, then add me.

I use TN as my pre-follow-screening.

If they read my horrible shit, and still want more, I know they’re cool.

If I just pimped myself out on those dopey sites that get you more followers, I’ll get a gas station in Provo, Utah, some realtor from Miami and probably Terry.

Screw Terry, man.

Adding one follower that really gets you and understands you and likes bum juice is worth more than 100 randoms.

So find your bum juice.

There you have it.

Hopefully you feel better about the hundreds of people that have hilariously exited your life.  Because now you know the ones that remain are the ones that matter.

Now go out there and tweet quality.

Just not lolcats.

Follow me here to unfollow me later.  That’ll make me read my own article for advice on how to deal with the emotional pain. Thanks. Thanks for that.