The 5 Remaining Things Facebook Can Steal From Twitter.

"Calm down people.  We're stealing features as fast as we can."

"Calm down people. We're stealing features as fast as we can."

In the past few weeks, we’ve seen Facebook present staggeringly innovative ideas.

Facebook Lite.

That’s where Facebook is stripped down to just a tiny core set of features.

Mostly centered around status updates.

Kind of like Twitter.

Tagging Your Friends In Status Updates.

That’s where you can tag people in your status updates.

Mentions, if you will.

Kind of like Twitter.

So in reality, this is like a full-out violation of Twitter’s private parts.

But Facebook still needs to go the extra mile.  Don’t stop there.

Here’s 5 ways Facebook can go full-out.

1. Get The Celebrities.

If you force Denise Richards to friend creepy guys like me, she will not use your service.

If you force Denise Richards to friend creepy guys like me, she will not use your service.

One of the key strengths of Twitter is that there are so many celebrities using the service.


Because celebrities are narcis…narca….naracis..

The word that means that they love themselves.

Twitter caters to that.  Facebook doesn’t.

But Facebook now has Fan pages, dummy.  You’re on Britney’s.  You should know.

Thanks.  Thanks for just dropping that out there.  Because a man’s man like me really needs people to think I like Britney Spears.

You do, though.  You cried in her concert.

Please disregard my schizophrenic italic voice.

Fan pages don’t do what Twitter does.  Twitter allows celebrities to show people that they are followed by thousands and thousands of people but only choose a select few to follow themselves.

The celebrities don’t like Facebook because they don’t want to friend everybody.

That’s like, gross.

So what Facebook should do is allow one-way Fan-ing.

So then Kevin Spacey, for example, can get on Facebook and immediately have 1.4 million fans.  In turn, he can be a fan of Breathable Air, BMW, and Jodi Sweetin from Full House.

2. Get Britney F-d Vids To Randomly Friend Everybody.

I totally did *not* cry during this woman's concert.  I had paprika in my eyeball.  I swear.

I totally did *not* cry during this woman's concert. Have you ever had paprika in your eye? Because that's what happened.

Twitter is proliferated by super hot spam bots.  These are confusing because all of a sudden, this half-naked chick will follow you.  Then, if you’re like me, you say in your mind

Oh hell yes.  This chick’s super hot and totally wants to do me.

But then you notice her name is Hja89ZHzz.

And you’re like

Well that’s a little weird.  Maybe she’s Canadian.

And then she only tweets about a new way to whiten your teeth.  And then you say

Foiled again.

Then you cry all over yourself.

Facebook needs this.  It’s a vital part of Twitter.

3. Make A Corporate Blog That Uses The Term “Folks” A Lot.

The Crunchies 2008

"Thanks for the award, people. But really? When we saw we were up against Friendster, we knew we got this."

The cool part about Twitter are the founders.

They are the holy trifecta that form TwitJesus.

Evan, Biz, Jack.

Some days, major shit will happen.  You’ll read the news and every report is about Twitter maybe being bought by Google for like 2 billion dollars.  And everyone on Twitter scrambles to the Twitter blog to get even an inkling of news.

Instead they get Biz talking about some random shit.

Hey folks! Some folks have been informing us that there’s been a slight lag when you follow folks. Folks have noticed that following folks takes a little time to update in folks following lists.  We’ve tweaked our servers a tad and you folks should see some improvements soon.

Thanks folks!

That post right there gets RTed 8 million times.  And it has nothing to do with anything important.

It’s just cool as ass.

4. Get Ashton Kutcher To Live Stream From Everywhere.

While he's with her, I'm getting rejected by fat chicks on eHarmony.

While he's with her, I'm striking out with fat chicks on eHarmony. Guaranteed matches across 29 dimensions my ass.

I never knew much about Ashton Kutcher until I got on Twitter.  Now, he’s cool.

I like him because every thirty minutes, he’ll stream live from somewhere.

And every thirty minutes I’ll watch his stream.


That didn’t sound right, did it?

I’ll watch his video stream.


From my parents basement.

He’s into the service.  He’s a hardcore.  A twitter evangelist.

Facebook needs him.

Facebook needs his stream.

5. Make Sure Your Service Goes Down Every Afternoon at 3pm EST.

Twitter goes over capacity a lot.

Because millions of nerds need to tweet shrunken URLs to 35 Beautiful WordPress Themes.

And then when it fails, they get upset and need to tweet their frustration.

But they can’t.

It’s fucking hilarious.

Some people think this is a bad thing.

I don’t.

I think it just shows you how much people want to use the service.

Facebook needs to fail more.  But instead of a whale, have a manatee.

Hugging a leprechaun.

That right there?

That’s gold.

I want you to sit there and tell me this isn't cooler than a whale.  Exactly.

Hello gentle friend. Cow of my sea. You're better than a whale in so many ways. So many ways.

There you have it.  Friend me on Facebook.  Follow me on Twitter.  I will discharge more ideas.

Unless you’re a Canadian girl named Hja89ZHzz.


See my Twitter Personality Roast, Avatar Roast, and reasons to not follow me on Twitter.

See my 10 Facebook Commandments.

  • But Facebook still needs to go the extra mile.  Don’t stop there.

  • This is so sarcastic and true! Great rant and nice picture selection ;)

  • Pretty funny stuff.

  • brilliant as always. fb also needs to get rid of farms, horoscopes, mafia wars, quizzes and any of that other shit that clogs up stream.

  • Love your writing style. (oh yeah, the content's good too.)

  • You missed out on one point!!!

    Facebook still needs to let users customize their profile background :D
    Then walla! I can have a picture of Bart Simpsons butt on my profile!

  • Lol. Nicely done. Here's a list of smart things "The Facebook" did on its road to positive cash-flow and 300 million users...

  • Moonyrah

    Absolutely sharing this on FACEBOOK..!
    LOL! You've got so many points there.

  • teresathomas

    I think you are wrong when it come to all "celbs" ( I hate using that word that's why I used quotes) wanting to be on twitter because they are naracis. There are some that actually care about giving back to their fans by interacting with them.There are some (two that I know of myself) that are there for the fans & give back in ways they can't other wise. They shouldn't have to follow their fans, they don't owe us anything. If they choose to follow some, that's awesome. We really shouldn't expect anything, they give of themselves already. They are human too and can only do so much.
    I do agree with you on the spammers/weird followers. There should be a better way to handle those kind without having our page on private.

  • kychyck

    Very funny.Thanks for the laugh.

  • JstAGirl

    LOL.. though, i think you are wrong about #5.
    Facebook goes down multiple times in a day. It's all those farm games.
    Those stupid, addictive farmgames.
    but # 1-4? hillarious & true.

  • Hilarious article! Absolutely enjoyed reading it.

  • So great and so true, thanks!

  • It's narcissism... =)

  • always tryin to be 'funny', huh?! ;)

  • Brilliant :D

  • Actually, there's one more thing Facebook needs to be like Twitter: an even bigger service trying to obliterate it! Wait, that's Google. Or is that Yahoo?

  • tremendous marks of a good twitter and facebook user.

  • doctorparadox

    this. is. hilarious.

  • creepycat

    OMFtweetG. i thought you erased my comment. i was about to get all up in your tail feathers....

  • creepycat

    i love you! even though you obviously stole the muse-mist right out of my very own head to pen this. follow me back so we can make beautiful streams across the twitosphere. ouch! was that a spider that just bit my ass? i am NOT kidding. acccckkkkkkk. gotta run..............

  • philtaylor

    I'm glad to see your humorous take on Twitter and Facebook. I use both, but too many people take these TOO seriously. It's Friday--time to laugh a little.

  • This is hilarious!

  • As always, you never cease to amuse me Mr. TN.
    Loveeee it.

    Go Gators! :-P

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