The 7 Deadly Sins Of Twitter. Which Ones Have You Committed?

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Deep within the annals of the Twitter univer–

Ha!

Annals.

In the Twitter universe, there’s one maxim.

People on Twitter need to validate themselves against something.

Read that again.

Need.

So when I crafted the title of this article, I used a simple trick.  I stated: Here are the sins you can commit on Twitter.  Then what did I do?

Look.

I asked the Twitter nerds to discover which of these sins they committed.

Trust me.

They’re reading this.

They’ve flocked here wondering what they’ve done.  They want to be judged.  Ranked.  They need it.  It’s their life-nectar.

Sad, though.

Because even though I will pour my talent and effort into this article, it won’t matter.

Someone can write a quiz called Based On Your Tweets, Which Full House Character Are You?

And thousands of people on Twitter will rush to find out.

It’ll be retweeted 7.2 million times.

OMG you guys!  I’m just like Danny Tanner!  Find out which you Full House character you are!

I got Uncle Joey!

Kimmy Gibbler!

Comet?  How did I get Comet! Lolz!

And I’ll sit here writing a blog post nobody will read because every body’s too busy on a dopey quiz.

That?

That’s Twitter.

I'll be damned if the quiz tells me I'm this guy.

I'll be damned if the quiz tells me I'm this guy.

On my time on Twitter, I’ve noticed that individuals seem to commit several sins.  Here are 7 of them.

If I think of more, I’ll follow up with another article to juice the shit out of this idea because it’s way easier than thinking of something new.

I mean, to complement this article.

Let’s rock.

1. The Auto-DM.

The Auto-DM is the number one sin on Twitter because when you get one, you’re in awe that people still use them.

You look at your DM and you’re like, really?  I’ m really getting an Auto-DM?  How very medieval.

But I don’t blame the Auto-DMer.  I blame you.

You deserve it.  You totally deserve it.

You chose to follow a douchebag.  Now you have to sit there and watch as he drops a turd into your Twitter stream.

Thanks for the follow!  Download my free e-book on my website.

No thanks.

Join me on Facebook!

Why?  You’ve already messed up 140 characters or less.  Who wants to see what you do with more.

Looking forward to your tweets!

Ha!

Way to pick who you follow.

If you type "auto-dm" into google images, this is what you get.  Ha.  No, just kidding.  But it's fun that you believed it.

Google Images gives me this when I type in "auto-dm". Don't try it yourself, though. I have a special Google Images that's super top secret.

2. Playing A Stupid Twitter Game Where You Tweet Every Single Thing That Happens To You.

Look, we know you’re bored.

We know that you’re just trying to pass the hours of your cold, dark life. I’m trying too.  I live in my parents basement and have to ask my mom to buy me All-Bran breakfast bars, Honey Nut flavor.

I’m 29.

Lives don’t get darker than this.

This game you found?  This game brings you a little joy.

We get it.

But we don’t care that you just completed a drug deal job.

That you just assassinated a diplomat.

That you’re on level 14.

We don’t care.

And I speak for all of Twitter when I say this.

No.  We don’t want to be recruited to your SpyMaster ring.

'Member this game!?  I know! So fun!

'Member this game!? I know! So fun!

3. Counting Down To Your 20000th Follower.

I remember when I first joined Twitter in February.  I was just starting out.  Tweeting some crap about my man-boobs or something.

I’d get one follower and I’d lose my shit.

I’d be so happy.  I’d read the email notification and think:

Oh my god!  Someone actually wants to read what I tweet?  That’s tremendous!

And then I’d see some marketing douchebag tweet:

I’m at 19 987 followers!  Any minute now.

Seconds later.

20 000!  I can’t wait to get to 30 000.

And that’s where I’d shatter emotionally.

I thought, wow this guy must be smarter, funnier, less man-boobier than me.  That’s why he has 20 000 followers.

It only took me a few months to realize all those guys game the system.

Just don’t countdown.  Because really?

The guy with 5 followers doesn’t care that you just got to 20 000.

Wait. Are you this guy?  No?  Then nobody cares about your countdown.

Wait. Are you this guy? No? Then nobody cares about your countdown.

4. Speaking Twenglish.

We live in an era of major advances in society.

We can splice genes.

Send rockets to space.

Craft nano-technology.

You would think the human race is propelling forward.

Until you see someone tweet Hi twiends!  What are my tweople twalking about!? lmao.

And that’s when a part of humanity dies.

5. Fighting On Twitter.

fight2

Yes.  Don’t do this.

Courtesy of yourtweetfight.com

6. Asking Someone To Follow You Back.

Probably the lamest move on Twitter is following someone, noticing that they aren’t following you back, and then literally asking them to do so.

I’ve done it.

Take a look.

brunetti

But notice I was trying to be all super cool and charming.  Trying.  I said ‘trying’.

Here’s people not even trying.

followmeback

Tremendous.

7. Not Retweeting, Replying Or Engaging With Anyone.

I commit this sin every day.  Wade through my stream.  Take a look.

Ha!

You waded through my stream.

But did you notice something?

I only tweet my own articles. I never reply to anybody.  I don’t engage.

I’m like a big douchebag.

But it’s mostly because I’m awkward socially.  I’m not good at ‘building relationships’, I’m way better at destroying them.

Also?

I’m emotionally fragile.

So I sit there and look at what people are saying about me.  I read every tweet that mentions me.

The other day, some girl called me a ‘misogynistic dweeb’.

I know right!?

I’m the least misogynistical person out there.

But that took about 48 minutes of me unravelling emotionally, turning to Golden Girls reruns to comfort me and then eating cheese cubes.

I think that entire story is hard evidence that you should not commit this sin.

Don’t be like Tremendous News.

—-

There you have it.  The 7 deadly sins of Twitter.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take the Full House quiz.

I better not be Joey Gladstone.

Follow me to watch me commit almost every one of these sins here.