The 5 Worst Marriage Proposals Ever.

Look, if dudes have to sit through an entire article on marriage proposals, the least I can do is offer them this.

I’m not close to getting married.

Shocked?

Pretend you’re shocked.

I am fascinated by the way people propose.

If it were me, I’d propose in an intimate setting.  Maybe at a vineyard or something.  I’d be romantic and arrange a beautiful picnic out in the countryside.  We’d have wine, me and my super hot girlfriend, and just lay there and watch the sun slowly dissolve into the horizon.

I’d look at her.

She’d look at me.

Eyes uniting, souls together, nothing would feel greater than this love.

Then.

Just then.

Six Oompa Loompas situated in various tree tops would emerge, swing down on ropes ninja-style, do triple front-flips and land around us.

Circling us now.

They form a human pyramid and the head Oompa Loompa, which I’ve named Gary, will drop to the ground and pull the ring from his tiny-tiny trouser pants.

That’s where I’d ask her to marry me.

I know.

Oh, I know.

You’re turned on.

Think about them in ninja outfits. I know right!? How cool would that be.

Here are five real wedding proposals.  You can pick which one you think is the worst.

1. The Guy Who Proposed At A Cemetery.

The guy took his girlfriend to a cemetery.  He told her he wanted to drop flowers off at his mothers grave.

When they got there, he went down on one knee.  Pointed at two plots of land.  And said.

I’m not making this up.

He said.

“I bought these two plots for us.  I want to be buried next to you.  Will you marry me?”

My take: In a bizarre way, I think some chicks will love this.  They’ll think it’s romantic.  But really?  It’s morbid and lame. A cemetery?  Please.  And why buy the plots of land?  Just point at some grass and tell her you bought it.  That way, if she says no, you don’t have to ask for a refund.  Work smart, kid.

2. The Guy Who Proposed While Hiking And Nearly Killed His Girlfriend.

This one just happened a few days ago.  A young man took his girlfriend hiking.  He proposed to her, she got excited and fell off a cliff.

She lost consciousness and had to be rescued by helicopter.

My take: This one’s actually romantic until the chick had to ruin it by falling.  Way to make it all about you, honey.

3. The Guy Who Left The Ring On Dog Doody.

A couple lived together and had a dog.  The dog made a doody in the backyard.  He asked her if she could clean it.

When she got there, there was a ring sitting on top of the doody.

He was behind her and proposed.

My take: Love it.  Because now, if I propose to a girl I can– Why are you laughing?  Excuse me?  It could totally happen.  There’s gotta be a chick that can put up with my off putting personality.  Right?  Lie to me.  Lie to me and tell me there’s a chick out there that can put up with my off putting personality.  Anyway, if I propose to a girl and she’s like “this proposal sucks ass”, I can just say “oh yeah?  At least the ring’s not in dog doody.”  That’s why this proposal is good.  It helps other guys.

4. The Guy Who Orchestrated a Fake Police Raid On A Boat.

An attorney in Baltimore took his girlfriend on a boat.  Then, a police helicopter arrived and officers boarded the boat looking for something in a raid, scaring the crap out of his girlfriend.

What did the police find?

A ring.

Also, the attorney had to apologize to the city of Baltimore for the situation, which used police officers who didn’t have permission to be involved in the stunt.

My take: This one is cool, but the cops should have shot up the sky with AK-47s and launch grenade launchers.  Blow some shit up, you know?  Like Die Hard.  Then after all the smoke clears and she’s all crying and scared he could be like “honey, that was all a joke.  I wanted to show you how explosive my love for you is.  Will you marry me?”  And then she’d like laugh and giggle and stuff and marry him.  That?  That right there?  That’s called being romantic.

5. The Guy Who Proposed Using Banner Ads In Social Media.

Right now, some social media nerd is downloading this image to use in a power point presentation.

A guy has created a “viral” campaign on the Internet to convince his girlfriend to marry him.  He’s doing it by placing banner ads on websites and having people on Facebook and Twitter campaign for him to convince his girlfriend, Dalila, that marrying him is the right thing to do.

My take: A lot of you are probably here because you wanted to read about the proposal that used social media.  Really?  Because that’s devastatingly nerdy.  I like this one.  Use the Internet.  Chicks love that.  I think, if he were smarter, he could have just sent an evite to their wedding.  And have her as the only guest and then just wait until she clicked Attending.  That’s how you rock.

There you go.

You might have some more to add.

Tell me which one you think was the worst.

Tell me which one you think was the best.

Actually, I already know which one’s the best.

Ninja oompa loompas.

Thanks.

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