The Worst Beatles Rock Band Review You’ll Ever Read.

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Beatles Rockband is out! I want to be anyone but Ringo. I'll even take Pete Best.

Since nobody takes Tremendous News seriously, I never get sent anything to review.

I sit here, in my parents basement, looking through the mail.

Hoping.

Wishing.

Waiting.

Nothing.

Just “jury duty summons”, “collection agency urgent final notices”, “failure to appear in court letters”.

Crap nobody cares about.

Just once, I want something cool to appear in the mail.

Like a super hot stripper.

Then I would review her in my blog posting and then Tony’s East Exotic Entertainment on Sheppard Avenue will rocket up in customers because I reviewed their establishment.

That’s the power I need. The power I deserve.

Strippers in the mail.

All like, naked and stuff.

But no company believes in me. They take my thousands of readers for granted. They think well he’s just a shithead unemployed loser with moobs. Let’s just pitch to other more influential blogs. Treehugger. Mashable. Lolcats.

Lol fucking cats?

Really?

Who lols at lolcats?

Get off my blog immediately.

But that’s okay.

My readers, the small army of dobernerds, are gold. They will buy whatever I tell them to buy. They’ve already boycotted Family Matters reruns because I told them how much I hate Steve Urkel.

They listen.

And one day, I’ll grow the dobernerds to a size where nobody can ignore them.

A day where they’ll send me Beatles Rock Band in the mail so I can review it.

But since that hasn’t happened, and I’m hilariously poor, I have to review it without actually trying it.

How bored are you right now?

You realize you’re reading a review of something where the reviewer hasn’t even seen the product yet.

That’s pretty bored.

You know 98% of readers left when I said I didn’t have Beatles Rock Band right?

They left because this is a pointless review.

But you?

You’re still here.

Sigh.

I guess it’s just me and you, pal.

Inserting images of things that "relate to the article" is so overrated.

Inserting images of things that "relate to the article" is so overrated.

I imagine that the box will be pretty big. And colourful. Then I’ll open it but it’ll probably have that scotch tape shit on it so I’d have to go get scissors from upstairs and my mom will ask me if I have any towels that need washing. Then I’ll say no, for the hundredth time, no. Then she’ll say but you haven’t washed your towels since the Clinton administration and I’ll say whatever, mom. That’s called being a man. And then she’ll grumble and say something under her breath like yeah, a man. An almost-thirty year old man who still lives with his parents.

And then I’ll shatter inside.

Then open the box.

I’m guessing the system will be easy to set up. Then I’ll turn on my XBOX and be greeted to the fantastical sounds of the Beatles. I love the Beatles.

I can’t see how this game could be bad. I mean, the Beatles sell themselves. The only way I see this being horrible is if Rock Band was like you know what we should do? We should totally remix the White Album with Kanye West. Oh!  And you know what else would be fun?  If we get Lady Gaga to do a hook on “Let It Be”.

Then that would suck.

So now, in my head I’m singing the Beatles and playing the drums and the guitar. I know many of you will invite your “friends”. That’s fine. I totally would too but they all moved away.

Well, away from their parents house.

Into like condos and apartments and houses and with their girlfriend Tina who’s a total bitch and probably tells him shit about me so now he doesn’t even return my calls anymore.

I hate you Phil.

Now I’m finishing up my 8 hour session with Beatles Rock Band and I love it. It was the most fantastical time ever.

My review? 5/5 stars. Buy it today.

Then after you’re bored with it, send it to me.

Along with a naked stripper.