Disney Buys Marvel, Completely Ignores My Creations.

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Related to my article? No. Incredibly relevant? Yes.

When I discovered the news that Disney acquired Marvel in a $4 billion deal, I was flabbergasted.

And it’s rare to gast my flabber.

I woke in my parents basement, uncovered the tarp-blanket that I sleep under and looked up at the natural light that peeks through the tiny basement window.

Then I read the news.

Disney acquires Marvel.  Takes ownership of over 5000 characters.

That’s when I sighed.

The news rested heavily on my moobs.

Isn’t Disney the same company you pitched Magic Mike to?

Indeed.

Isn’t Disney the same company that told you to stop e-mailing them?

Indeed.

From December, 2007 to February 2008, I sent Disney the nectar of my cerebral cortex.

Magic Mike and the Fun Band.

Magic Mike was a man-boy who would adventure across the world to solve mysteries with his friends.  Instead of having conventional super-powers like flying and strength, Magic Mike had more.

Much more.

He could solve complex mathematical problems.

And he pinched really really super hard.

So when other people were trying to figure out the tips at expensive restaurants, Magic Mike could swoop in and tell them how much to leave.

He could even split a bill across three credit cards and two guys paying cash and the one cheap shit head who “forgot his money in the car but I’ll totally get you next time.”

Whatever Will.

It’s always next time with you.

And if Magic Mike had to save a chick from an evil wizard who would suspend her over hot lava in just her super tiny skirt and those boy-short panties, he could pinch the wizard really hard.

Then the wizard would cry and let the hot chick go.

Then Magic Mike would like totally do her.

OK. Now that you’ve read that.

Now that you’ve invited yourself into the world of Magic Mike.

Tell me how cool that would be for a cartoon?

Or a feature-length movie starring Bronson Pinchot.

Yeah.

Thanks.

But apparently, asshole Disney was like oh whatever. Magic Mike shows no potential, we’re just going to go ahead and buy Marvel because they have established characters.

How very pedestrian, Disney.

Instead of giving 4 billion dollars to Marvel, Disney could have just given me 1.2 billion and bought the entire Magic Mike franchise.

Then I’d be rich and not have to eat peanut butter off of Styrofoam.

Then I could afford a car instead of taking the bus everywhere.

Apparently, chicks don’t like dudes who pick them up for a date on a bus and tell them they have to hurry because my transfer only has 38 minutes left before it expires.

I know!

Chicks are gold-diggers.

But if Disney bought Magic Mike, then I’d have enough money to be happy.

But that didn’t happen.

Instead, we’re left with the boring news of the Disney-Marvel acquisition.  And I know many of you might think it was a stroke of genius.

But it’s not.

Disney is a bunch of dumb-dumb meany pants heads.

And to prove it. I’m going to show you what they passed on.

Then you decide.

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Magic Mike, The Chick He's Like Totally Doing, and his tiny friend Nick.