Google v. Bing: Which Helps You Stalk Better?

Image by Gage Skidmore

Seth MacFarlane will probably not look like this after reading this post.

I want to preface this article with this:

Stalking is bad.  I don’t stalk.  I mean, OK.  Just ex-gfs and this one dude from high school that made me push a penny with my nose while crying.  Thanks Damien.  Because *that* helped my development.  So there.  No stalking.  Just harmless fun on the Internet.  I’m way too lazy to actually stalk.  Also?  I take the bus.  So it’s hard to stalk when you have to transfer lines 5 times.

Don’t stalk.

Ever.

Now let’s continue to my article on Stalking.

There have been many reviews of Google versus Bing.  I saw one nerdy blogger compare them side-by-side using a search example of a florist in his area.

A florist.

Like that nerd ever needs a florist.

Please.

I will borrow his wonderful schematic and use it with a more plausible and realistic use-case.

Stalking Seth Macfarlane.

If you don’t know, I’ve had a man-crush on his work for quite some time.  If hard-hitting, poop-joke comedy were canvas, Seth Macfarlane would be Picasso.

I, on the other hand, would be the guy still screwing up paint-by-numbers.

That shit was hard.

I want to contact Seth Macfarlane because I have crafted a Family Guy script in which Quagmire discovers Internet dating and implodes the Internet.

Tell me that’s not funny.

But there’s no way Seth Macfarlane is looking for me or my script.

And it’s not just him.

I’ve hard a hard time contacting influential people on the Internet.  I wrote a funny script about this hairy guy with moobs who lives in his parents basement and then hires a guy to help him get a chick.

It’s fictional people.

Fictional.

I tried to covertly engage Dana Brunetti, the high profile Hollywood producer.  I tried to get him to follow me on Twitter so that we can discuss my Hollywood hopes and dreams.

Here’s how that went.

brunetti

And there you have it.

Now let’s compare Google vs Bing and see which one helps us get Seth Macfarlane to somehow notice us.

1. Getting Seth Macfarlane’s Phone Number.

sethnumberbing

At first glance, Bing has yielded an impressive result.  It’s almost as if it knew I was asking a question and fetched the answer from the Internet.

However, the answer?

Sucked.  The chick answering just told me he lives in California.

Whatever.

sethnumbergoogle

Google yields Seth Macfarlane’s wikipedia page.  Really?

Like anyone wants to sit there and read.

However, a few links down I noticed something.  It was a link to a page with Seth Macfarlane’s phone number!

sethnumber

Success!

I found Seth Macfarlane’s phone number!  Also?  I discovered a striking new reality.

Seth Macfarlane lives in Barrie. Ontario. Canada.

Not Los Angeles people!

Barrie!

Google told me Seth Macfarlane lives here.

bing told me Seth Macfarlane lives here.

Meanwhile, bing has correctly identified that Seth Macfarlane lives here.

Meanwhile, Google has correctly identified that Seth Macfarlane lives here.

Winner: Google.

2. Finding A Common Bond.

Now armed with the address of Seth Macfarlane’s Barrie estate, I needed to find out something about him that could help me strike conversation.

If I knew he liked something, I could talk about it with him.

When he found me stuck in a tree next to his house.

Wilting it over with my staggeringly obese body.

Moobs stuck between branches.

I could say Hey Seth! Weird to see you here.  In your yard.  Anyway, do you like Skittles?  Me too!  Let’s eat some and discuss my new script.

Here’s me trying to find a Tremendous-Macfarlaney bond.

sethcandy

sethbeans

sethsurgeryStill nothing.

I was giving up hope until I found this.  Through Bing.

sethfacebook

Wait.

Just in case you’re wondering, that’s a happy face because I discovered that Seth Macfarlane likes Jack Daniels.

I like Jack Daniels too.

Jack Daniels steals my pants on Saturday nights while sea gulls doody on my phone..

The image on the right, is of a shocked me.  Hannah Montana!?  Hmm.

But either way, I now know how to approach Seth Macfarlane.

I’ll say

Hey Seth! Want to get drunk on Jack and watch Hannah Montana?  We can eat beans and talk about non-invasive surgery procedures.

That’s called charm, people.

Charm.

Winner: Bing.

I’m going to end the comparison here.  I have enough information now to become best friends with Seth Macfarlane.

The end result is that both search engines are good, and that Google and Bing each have their strong points.

If you’ll excuse me, I better get going.

It takes 19 buses to get to Barrie.

Are you Seth Macfarlane?  Email me here if you’d like to crush my fragile emotions with reality.

Are you not Seth Macfarlane?  Email me with your hurtful comments anyway!

Twitter me here.  Facebook me here.

  • aliliebs

    wow! congratulations on figuring out how to use MS paint! i was especially impressed with the shocked face illustration…but your moobs are missing

  • Just wanted to warn you I'll be recommending your blog on Blog Day 😉

  • stinginthetail

    there's a blog day?

    oh – and loved the post 🙂 you and yr moobs in that tree, while u try to be suave, is stuck in my head and making me laugh

  • This is really funny stuff. I like the Moobs. Seth – at the least should read this article.

  • woooow.

  • Ally

    but he does live in california… that cud be just be a second house or like a vacation house…. he does NOT LIVE IN CANADA….. not trying to be offensive or anything…… if u go to IMDB.com (Internet Movie Data Base) it will give u info…..on wikipidia people can edit things so i think it mite have been something that someone changed -thank you, Ally a huge seth macfarlane lover…. so much that i keep a pic of him in my back pocket….. but i am not a stalker either.

    • ally

      or if u didnt get it from wiki where did u get it???????

  • have you ever stalked yourself? it's fun.

  • I would totally do Seth McFarlane.

    Totally.

  • The answer's simple if you're truly dedicated: use both.

  • Brittany Foxwood

    ….can you maybe er….send me his number? o_o

  • Brittany Foxwood

    ….can you maybe er….send me his number? o_o

  • Emma

    maybe barrie is the street he lives in, in beverly hills.