7 Examples of Tree Porn.

I consider myself to be a writer.

I deftly craft articles my readers enjoy.  I pilot, through prose, literary adventure.

Also?

I like bum trees.

Trees that look like bums.

So I have arrived at a vexxing decision.

Do I stay true to my moral compass, and not post pictures of bum trees?

Or do I do what I feel like I need to do.  What I’m required to do.

The task that my creator, He-Man, has assigned me.

Your loyal readers that enjoy your writing will lose all respec..

They’ll think less of…

They’ll…

Forget it.

Thank you.  Let’s get started.

Boom.

I know many of you are saying to yourself, how dare you affront me with this to begin your post.  I wanted to be eased in with a nipple tree first, and then maybe a bum tree.  Then.  And only if I’m ready, then maybe a penis tree.

Too bad, sweetheart.  This is how I roll.  Look at it.

Look at it.

Look at the big penis tree.  You know you can’t help yourself.

Ha!

You’re so gross.

I like that this image includes a picture of a man who is delighting in the vag-tree.  He is now affixed throughout Internet history as the man who is delighting in the vag tree.  I wonder if he digested that image and then went home to his wife.  Began intimate relations.  Then paused.  Examined her area.  Said:

Really?  That’s not that impressive.

Also?

I can picture him wearing his tiny hat while doing it.

This one takes a little guess-work to understand. But if you’re unsure, think about what you use to type on your keyboard.  Then think about what other activities you could deploy them for.

Still not sure?

Fine.

Hover over the picture and I’ll tell you exactly what it is.

This one’s cool because it’s neither for nor against penises.

Or vaginas.

Call it in between.

Well hello there!  That’s a little forward.  I mean, I can imagine that one tree on the left was just minding her own business looking all hot and the tree on the right was like yeah, you know you want it. And the tree on the left was like, uh no I don’t pal.  At least not with you. And then finally, one night she got all loaded and became super easy and then…

Oh.

Yeah.

Like you weren’t thinking that.

This nerdy tree is ready for action but wants to be fully protected with a CDC-approved latex condom.

Unfortunately, nobody will ever want him because he’s way ugly.

And a little creepy.

With major BO.

Tremendous!

There you go.

Now go back to your daily activities and pretend like you weren’t just amused by seven trees in graphic positions.

Shame on you.

I’ll be here looking at bum trees.

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Follow me on Twitter for tree porn alerts here.

dee@tremendousnews.com