Will Red Heads Cease To Exist In 100 Years?


I barely cover news stories anymore.

I mostly write about my moobs and devastating obesity.

My hilarious poverty.


The good shit.

But today, I was alerted by a creepy reader about an article asserting that people with red hair will cease to exist.

In non-nerdy terms, it says that the gene that causes red hair is rare.  So it becomes less likely that a red-headed dude and a red-headed chick would meet and like totally do each other.

Thus, no red-headed children.

Thus, no more red headed people in the future.

Thus, well that’s it.

Saying ‘thus’ makes me feel classy.

2% of the current population has red-hair.  That number will slip into negligible territory where it will be rare to see a red-headed chick parading around town.

When I read this, I became befuddled inside.

Like that?


So I took an inventory of red headed people I like and came up with this:

She's hot because she's all like troubled and stuff.

She's hot because she's all like troubled and stuff.

This dude directed movies I like cried all over myself while watching.

This dude directed movies I watched in my peejay pants with the grey racing stripe while crying.

Although the agent of Satan, he serves me filet-o-fish combo 8.  The sweet nectar of my existence.

Agent of Satan. Provider of Filet-O-Fish Combo 8. Creator of my moobs. I salute you.

That’s a fine collection of individuals.

And their blazing heads and gentle freckles make them who they are.

Look, don’t think I don’t know.   I know how you treat the red-heads.  Girls, when a red-headed dude tries to pick you up at a party you give him the number to Jack’s Pizzeria on Service Road 80.  Guys, I know that you hardly ever bring out your red-headed girlfriend to meet your friends.  You’re constantly nudging her to dye her hair with “I think you’d look so hot blond”.

I get it.

But today, we need to make a change.  A positive step in a staggeringly red direction.

Do you really want to lose the red-heads?

Then help me unite them.

Help me unite them so they can totally do each other and have more red-headed babies.

Freckle your hearts with kindness and introduce a red-headed friend to another red-headed friend.

Create a Facebook group where they can meet and mingle.

I’m doing my part.

For Ronald McDonald.

If you’re NOT red-headed, how do you feel about a future devoid of red-headyness?

Red head chicks, follow me on Twitter here.

(Unless you look like Ron Howard)

(That would be alarming)