I barely cover news stories anymore.
I mostly write about my moobs and devastating obesity.
My hilarious poverty.
The good shit.
But today, I was alerted by a creepy reader about an article asserting that people with red hair will cease to exist.
In non-nerdy terms, it says that the gene that causes red hair is rare. So it becomes less likely that a red-headed dude and a red-headed chick would meet and like totally do each other.
Thus, no red-headed children.
Thus, no more red headed people in the future.
Thus, well that’s it.
Saying ‘thus’ makes me feel classy.
2% of the current population has red-hair. That number will slip into negligible territory where it will be rare to see a red-headed chick parading around town.
When I read this, I became befuddled inside.
So I took an inventory of red headed people I like and came up with this:
That’s a fine collection of individuals.
And their blazing heads and gentle freckles make them who they are.
Look, don’t think I don’t know. I know how you treat the red-heads. Girls, when a red-headed dude tries to pick you up at a party you give him the number to Jack’s Pizzeria on Service Road 80. Guys, I know that you hardly ever bring out your red-headed girlfriend to meet your friends. You’re constantly nudging her to dye her hair with “I think you’d look so hot blond”.
I get it.
But today, we need to make a change. A positive step in a staggeringly red direction.
Do you really want to lose the red-heads?
Then help me unite them.
Help me unite them so they can totally do each other and have more red-headed babies.
Freckle your hearts with kindness and introduce a red-headed friend to another red-headed friend.
Create a Facebook group where they can meet and mingle.
I’m doing my part.
For Ronald McDonald.
If you’re NOT red-headed, how do you feel about a future devoid of red-headyness?
Red head chicks, follow me on Twitter here.
(Unless you look like Ron Howard)
(That would be alarming)