5 Reasons To Never Join Twitter.

100043849_f9661f6dd9

How many guys before getting here liked butterflies? How many guys like them now? Call me the butterfly evangelist.

Let’s pilot through my e-mail.

Stop boring us with Twitter articles.

Your Twitter posts aren’t edgy.

Why don’t you just call yourself Twittermendous News?

Whore-face.

And there they are.

My fans.

But this time, they have a point.

Here at Tremendous News, I’ve been crafting a lot of Twitter-related posts.  It’s been turning off a segment of my core audience that couldn’t care less about Twitter.

And this article right here?

This one’s for them.

Even though I’m on Twitter doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes find it a nauseatingly bad experience.

There’s things I don’t like.

So if you’re sick of all the media attention on Twitter. Sick of people telling you to join it.

Read this.

Five Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Join Twitter.

1. It Could Be A Passing Fad.

Imagine it’s 2013 and everyone is on a new service called Plip.  Instead of 140 characters, it’s just one.

One word.

We all just send each other one word.

Mine would be “vulvaface”.

But then people will look back at those who were so hardcore into Twitter and laugh.

They would point at them and say Ha! Remember when you were on Twitter and screaming about how great it was?  Then Plip was invented and everyone plopped instead of tweeted!  Boy you look dumb.

And you would.  Because you’d still be tweeting.  Tweeting to nobody.

Ha!

You were such a vulvaface.

2. You Have To Learn How To Condense.

Look at this article.

Look above.

Look below.

It’s all texty and gross right?  I mean I crow barred in a couple random pictures that I could find on the Internet to engage you, but it’s really just me writing.  Talking.  Yenta-ing.

Basically, I’m an electrical yenta.

But on Twitter, I have to condense this scintillating charm and super hotness into 140 characters.

It almost never works.

When I condense, I carve away my pleasantness, and leave just the raw douche concentrate.

Trust me.

You will too.

3. It Goes Down Like Every Thirty Seconds.

I swear.  Just when you’re like hey, I wonder what Dave Coulier from Full House is doing. As soon as I get to his page?

Boom. Twitter dies.

And then you have to spend the entire afternoon not knowing what Dave Coulier from Full House is doing.

And really?

That’s not a life I want to live.

Instead of the gentle disarming charm of Joey Gladstone, I got this.

I craved the gentle, disarming charm of Joey Gladstone. Instead, I got this.

4. The “Celebrities” That Aren’t Even Really Celebrities.

I saw a DJ from Toronto get on Twitter.  He had 4 followers.  Then he tweeted

where u at peoples!  it’s go time! go go go!

He did that every day.

Over and over.

And then a few days later, I swear this is true, he tweeted this.

glad i can connect with my fans.  gonna try 2 tweet more so u know what im up 2.

2 people unfollowed him.

Half of his fans.

Gone.

But in his mind, he’s a celebrity.

Now think about him and multiply by infinity plus one.

That’s Twitter.

I love the number 8.

8 has 3 factors that divide into it. 2, 4, and itself. Also, it is the square root of 64. In the domain of real. Where n is not irrational. OK now you can look at the bum.

5. You Have To Deal With Intense, In-Your-Face Disgusting Vanity.

If I could explain Twitter in one sentence it would be this:

Millions of people yelling over millions of other people waiting for some type of validation.

That’s it.  It really is.

I was told it was about connecting.

Bull.

I was told it was about creating relationships.

Shit.

It’s an electronic pissing contest.

Take the Twitter yodas.

These people have only been on Twitter a year before you arrived.  Yet, they have 900 billion people following them.

They’ve used super-nerdy programs to create that massive following.  It’s just thousands of spam acc–

Wait.

You wouldn’t understand that.  You’re not on Twitter.

Let’s de-nerdify.

These people cheat the system into making it look like they have friends.  Kind of like that geeky dude in high school that would tell us that he spent the weekend with friends from the other high school down the road.  Yet we all know he just spent it alone, crying in his room while listening to Ace of Base.

Fine.

That kid was me.

And I’m actually fine with these people, because hey, they gamed the system and have thousands of followers.  The only problem is, they try to preach to you.

If you don’t engage, you’re doing it wrong.

Share, create relationships.

Give to Twitter to be truly rewarded.

After reading this, don’t you feel like you’d rather cry in your room while listening to Ace Of Base?

Thank you.

———

There you have it.  If you’re not on Twitter you don’t need to be.

In fact, if you don’t believe me, just read the comments below. It will be full of Twitter yodas or people who take Twitter too seriously.

They’ll be angered.

Enjoy.

And I’ll see you on Plip.

You vulva face.

If you didn’t listen to my advice and you’re on twitter, don’t follow me here.



  • faby

    I want to go on Plip now… wait, wtf.

  • nicole

    Ever thought about changing your name to tremendASSnews? Just sayin' cuz I kinda picked up on a theme with yer photos.

  • glad you re-tweeted this one. shouldn't vulvaface be one word down there at the end?

  • M4K

    Great article! That is only one side, It would be great to follow up with 5 reason to BE on Twitter. After Facebook, Myspace, etc I have found it much easier to connect with 'real' people. Sure I have lots of people following me just for the sake of following, but I ignore those people and focus on those who want to interact.

    I guess I am saying that Twitter is what you make it to be. I have met a lot of great people and made some great business and personal connections. The key is to learn how to filter out a lot of the 'noise' on Twitter. Once you can do that it will be rewarding.

    • holidayfriday

      So basically, Facebook and MySpace are good reasons to be on Twitter? Heh… Let's add Yahoo Chat.

  • so, when can we Plip 😛

    and thank you but all my followers are RREALLLL damnit… or they better be….

    thank you for this though… I been depressed today and this shit made me giggle

  • holidayfriday

    I'll try to comment more so that you know what I'm up to.

    Just kidding; that was an interesting article. I've been floating at around 30 followers for the week or two that I've been on twitter and wondering how that must look next to Schwarzenegger's 900,000. I'm almost having conversation, but mostly, I'm ready news feeds and information aimed at other people. Yet, somehow, it seems like it's all going to get better. From what I understand, you're supposed to be updating people on your goings on, but from the standpoint of a famous personality or a governmental figure… I don't have ANYTHING going on. So, I'm just hanging in there and seeing how the thing pans out. See you there!

    • follow me, I never shut the hell up… no news feeds required

      • holidayfriday

        Well, it's #FollowFriday, so I just might do that. However, you have to follow me back, so you know what I'm saying about you… LoL

  • Six Comments in six weeks?

    Uh-oh… someone is in their room… crying… listening to Ace of Base! ;P

  • Loreto

    I guess you're right, and twitter, facebook, future plips are really a Second Life. You can create a new personality, a new person, showing everyone you're happy, pictures of you having fun… and you're really not.
    Maybe this new kind of comunication, of getting “in touch” with other people are replacing shrinks, they are cheaper, but always a lie.

    • Bitter much? I mean, twitter..oh, nevermind..I'm off to Plippin' the universe!

  • Lisa

    I actually READ what the people I follow tweet. I cannot understand anyone having tens of thousands of people that they follow. How do you keep up? Do these people ever leave their computer? Clearly they aren't reading the tweets, they just like having all those followings/followers. What, why? If it ain't interesting (and most of it isn't), why bother? Funny article! 🙂

  • @seemasugandh

    I love “Let’s de-nerdify.”. Will be inserting that in many of my real world sentences. Thank you and good night. xo

  • will

    just so you'd know, twitter saved thousands of lives the day typhoon ondoy hit the philippines. :]

  • Funny I love it. I always need a good laugh after reading the tweets of doom I seem to get every day.

  • I think that this entry has just validated every thought I've ever had about twitter, in a far more succinct way.

    I WOULD retweet it, but unfortunately not retweeting is one of the sins I commit.

  • I feel like it's sort of a chat room, but no one really chats, do they? We all just give our 140 characters and then sit back to see if there is any reaction. What else can you do on here, really? I doubt that many ppl join up to these marketing schemes or buy the white teeth trick that a mom discovered, but perhaps someone does, so for those ppl it helps a little perhaps, but you certainly couldn't LIVE from what sales you generate on Twitter. Someone correct me if I'm wrong… Maybe Twitter will evolve into something better or greater in the future?.

  • gracesamboh

    Congrats! You did it! You bug off all those Twitter yodas! Yeay!

    Let's plip. Vulvaface! 😀

  • taylor

    ahaha man this is hilarious. and so true

  • “Raw douche concentrate”… a keeper!

  • stephanie

    re: #3, but then you can make sexual innuendo jokes about things that go down often, or not enough. (wait, you mean that's already been done? over and over?)

    (…like your mom?)

    OH

    anyways, re: #5, hilarious and actually absolutely true except for the bots – a lot of people actually do amass a following of real life people. why, on the other hand, sometimes i'm not sure.

  • Yes!! That about says it all!! Plus, there are too many “celebrities” thinking what they say means something. I'm not bothered if someone from TV or a lame musician thinks that their mobile phone bill is too much!!

  • it IS a pissing contest. but if it weren't for twitter, i would not have found you. so that's one good thing. probably the only good thing. yep. that's it.

  • Value in who you follow, people. Follow people who suck and you'll get a feed of failure. It's your own fault if Twitter sucks for you.

  • Value in who you follow, people. Follow people who suck and you'll get a feed of failure. It's your own fault if Twitter sucks for you.

  • Do_you_think_Plip_would_still_work_if_I_typed_like_this-or-this? #tw #fb #in #a #b #c #d #e #f #this

  • This is hilarious. Coming from a group of people who think very very highly of themselves – so that should mean something

  • You make me giggle. I still don't know how my tweets ever make it into the public domain if nobody searches for me. I guess I kind of don't care. In a way, I do. I will have relinquished all dignity when all that matters is how many people follow me. But what a conundrum. At least I know what Adam Lambert tweets about. My life…complete?

  • You make me giggle. I still don't know how my tweets ever make it into the public domain if nobody searches for me. I guess I kind of don't care. In a way, I do. I will have relinquished all dignity when all that matters is how many people follow me. But what a conundrum. At least I know what Adam Lambert tweets about. My life…complete?

  • Ha! That last “vulva face” was actually 2 words, not one. I guess we're not ready for Plip.

  • Thanks for saying what everyone already knows about social media. Everyone migrates to whatever is the latest thing, and yes, it is all for our inflated egos. The Internet has made it possible for everyone to pretend to be popular and knowledgeable. Damn you, Interwebs, just damn you.

    • MerlinthehappyPig

      now THAT is a point to be heard 😀

  • When cynicism and sarcasm meet.

  • Pardon?

  • jamieharrington

    I saw the sign…

    • MerlinthehappyPig

      that song takes me back, you look too young to remember that :/

  • Plip plop!

  • You had me at “Vulvaface”.

  • deb

    Oh no! You can't be on Plip because you just plopped vulva face and that's two words. Game over your Tremendousness. 🙁

    I love it when I check my twitter from my iphone and the little picture comes on that says “oh no! There's something wrong here! We'll be sure to make a note of it and do nothing to help you!” and it has the little robot's arm ripped out of his socket. That's nothing but a good time.

    • MerlinthehappyPig

      Is this lady for real? Talk about fuel for the fire

  • Forget redeeming social value, sometimes the mundane and silly is just fun-twitter yodas or not. Is there really such a thing as a twitter yoda and what qualifies he, she or it to become one?

    • theDailyDetention

      you want to be one, don't you.

    • sugarbean555

      mixed up grammar. thats a true yoda for me ^_^. do or do not. try not.

  • I wish I had read this like six months ago. Can you do an article on how to get off twitcrack? Also one on how to wean yourself off the fr#@kin' Bachelor Franchise. I got them both bad.

  • Bitter much? I mean, twitter..oh, nevermind..I'm off to Plippin' the universe!

    • Pay no attention to her. She's the type that blocks people and takes out restraining orders even though I stayed in the car and had my clothes on that day last summer.

  • shame on you for making me laugh so hard….Ace of Base?!?….lmfao!!!!

  • mbt

    Well , the view of the passage is totally correct ,your details is really reasonable and you guy give us valuable informative post, I totally agree the standpoint of upstairs. I often surfing on this forum when I m free and I find there are so much good information we can learn in this forum!
    http://www.mbt-outlet-store.com/mbt-women-shoes

  • How dare you!!! You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

    Yoda.

    • MerlinthehappyPig

      hahahaha! going to her lawyer, she-is

  • Kaedlen

    hehehehehe love it!

  • xmzm

    8 actually has 4 factors that divide into it: 2, 4, itself… and 1. you forgot 1. how dare you? you, sir, are a vulvaface. now excuse me while i go back to looking at that bum. ……….and yes, i do read the captions on your images. don't feel so special now.

  • EW

    So funny and so true.

  • Annette

    WORD!

  • John

    i do not like this, i'm on twitter.

    • MerlinthehappyPig

      so? People have different views. Not everyone likes a stupid and shallow website designed for lonely morons with too much to say

  • lol says the guy with over 20,000 followers. if we all weren't so vain we wouldn't have mirrors everywhere, now stop complaining & find a way to be verified 🙂

    u could always go into twitter rehab & close ur account, or keep your account only for twitterfeed & updating ur site. or make a real account with few real friends (but that's still bad).

    • MerlinthehappyPig

      twitter rehab? What the fu?????

    • MerlinthehappyPig

      something tells me you spend FAR too much time in front of a mirror

      • NicktheFace

        hahaha! Well said

  • CitizenWhy

    Sour grapes.

    • MerlinthehappyPig

      oh shuttttttt up

  • CitizenWhy

    Twitter: Garbage in, garbage out. It's up to you to make Twitter work for you.

    By the way Twitter has officially declared that it is NOT a social medium, but an information medium. Most adult users use Twitter precisely that way, for quick access to top info sources, and as a way to see what certain groups (political. artistic, etc) are saying.

    You can block people you don't appreciate, so why don't you?

  • sugarbean555

    succintly put. follow me please 😉 i am crying in my room listening to michelle shocked.

  • I knew all this before I joined.. but hell, you gotta pass the time.

    oh.. and great post — lol and all that – I think the worst part of twitter is everytime I write a sentence I feel like I need to put hashtags at the end of it #p2 #tcot