5 Reasons To Never Join Twitter.

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How many guys before getting here liked butterflies? How many guys like them now? Call me the butterfly evangelist.

Let’s pilot through my e-mail.

Stop boring us with Twitter articles.

Your Twitter posts aren’t edgy.

Why don’t you just call yourself Twittermendous News?

Whore-face.

And there they are.

My fans.

But this time, they have a point.

Here at Tremendous News, I’ve been crafting a lot of Twitter-related posts.  It’s been turning off a segment of my core audience that couldn’t care less about Twitter.

And this article right here?

This one’s for them.

Even though I’m on Twitter doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes find it a nauseatingly bad experience.

There’s things I don’t like.

So if you’re sick of all the media attention on Twitter. Sick of people telling you to join it.

Read this.

Five Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Join Twitter.

1. It Could Be A Passing Fad.

Imagine it’s 2013 and everyone is on a new service called Plip.  Instead of 140 characters, it’s just one.

One word.

We all just send each other one word.

Mine would be “vulvaface”.

But then people will look back at those who were so hardcore into Twitter and laugh.

They would point at them and say Ha! Remember when you were on Twitter and screaming about how great it was?  Then Plip was invented and everyone plopped instead of tweeted!  Boy you look dumb.

And you would.  Because you’d still be tweeting.  Tweeting to nobody.

Ha!

You were such a vulvaface.

2. You Have To Learn How To Condense.

Look at this article.

Look above.

Look below.

It’s all texty and gross right?  I mean I crow barred in a couple random pictures that I could find on the Internet to engage you, but it’s really just me writing.  Talking.  Yenta-ing.

Basically, I’m an electrical yenta.

But on Twitter, I have to condense this scintillating charm and super hotness into 140 characters.

It almost never works.

When I condense, I carve away my pleasantness, and leave just the raw douche concentrate.

Trust me.

You will too.

3. It Goes Down Like Every Thirty Seconds.

I swear.  Just when you’re like hey, I wonder what Dave Coulier from Full House is doing. As soon as I get to his page?

Boom. Twitter dies.

And then you have to spend the entire afternoon not knowing what Dave Coulier from Full House is doing.

And really?

That’s not a life I want to live.

Instead of the gentle disarming charm of Joey Gladstone, I got this.

I craved the gentle, disarming charm of Joey Gladstone. Instead, I got this.

4. The “Celebrities” That Aren’t Even Really Celebrities.

I saw a DJ from Toronto get on Twitter.  He had 4 followers.  Then he tweeted

where u at peoples!  it’s go time! go go go!

He did that every day.

Over and over.

And then a few days later, I swear this is true, he tweeted this.

glad i can connect with my fans.  gonna try 2 tweet more so u know what im up 2.

2 people unfollowed him.

Half of his fans.

Gone.

But in his mind, he’s a celebrity.

Now think about him and multiply by infinity plus one.

That’s Twitter.

I love the number 8.

8 has 3 factors that divide into it. 2, 4, and itself. Also, it is the square root of 64. In the domain of real. Where n is not irrational. OK now you can look at the bum.

5. You Have To Deal With Intense, In-Your-Face Disgusting Vanity.

If I could explain Twitter in one sentence it would be this:

Millions of people yelling over millions of other people waiting for some type of validation.

That’s it.  It really is.

I was told it was about connecting.

Bull.

I was told it was about creating relationships.

Shit.

It’s an electronic pissing contest.

Take the Twitter yodas.

These people have only been on Twitter a year before you arrived.  Yet, they have 900 billion people following them.

They’ve used super-nerdy programs to create that massive following.  It’s just thousands of spam acc–

Wait.

You wouldn’t understand that.  You’re not on Twitter.

Let’s de-nerdify.

These people cheat the system into making it look like they have friends.  Kind of like that geeky dude in high school that would tell us that he spent the weekend with friends from the other high school down the road.  Yet we all know he just spent it alone, crying in his room while listening to Ace of Base.

Fine.

That kid was me.

And I’m actually fine with these people, because hey, they gamed the system and have thousands of followers.  The only problem is, they try to preach to you.

If you don’t engage, you’re doing it wrong.

Share, create relationships.

Give to Twitter to be truly rewarded.

After reading this, don’t you feel like you’d rather cry in your room while listening to Ace Of Base?

Thank you.

———

There you have it.  If you’re not on Twitter you don’t need to be.

In fact, if you don’t believe me, just read the comments below. It will be full of Twitter yodas or people who take Twitter too seriously.

They’ll be angered.

Enjoy.

And I’ll see you on Plip.

You vulva face.

If you didn’t listen to my advice and you’re on twitter, don’t follow me here.



  • OMG…f'n funniest think I read about twitter yet…and true! hahah.

  • MerlinthehappyPig

    hahahahaha! You're brilliant haha! So, so true. I'd never join Twitter either and I left Face-crap

  • NicktheFace

    The reason I left Face-fook is because I found it so annoying, hard to navigate and full of bow-loxxx. And I only joined because people kept telling me to use it, then I did and got ignored!

    I mean, how do around half a BILLION people understand Facbook and know how to use it except for me? I feel like an idiot. And when I did use it I was the only one who had friends on there who were “make believe”. They were people I knew from my school days, yet they ignored me, but added me as a friend. Crazy.
    The LIKE button is harder to work out than planning a mission to Mars using a drinking straw, a hairdryer and an old paintbrush. The idiot who designed this site must have THE most complexed brain known to mankind. They should freeze him before he dies incase he is needed to save the future from meltdown (which will be a week on Tuesday the way this planet is going).
    Nobody knows how to add this “like button”. People SAY they do but they either do not know or it is classified information. What the hell IS Iframes????? What on EARTH is XFBML?????
    WHERE DO YOU PASTE THE CODE??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have scoured google and all I see are people that have spouted random jargon which makes as much sense as…
    “go to nhcjhjsdgfvuygfjgfj gek, then click onmfjk fger ioer gker ierhgf eg, then add jvfhjjjjj  kvj vehkjrs hkh,
    then your done! 😀
    All these so-called “helpful links” either send you to the same page, don't work, lead you in a loophole or they give you a virus. Or even worse, open a porthole in time and space where you witness your own death at the hands of Francis the psychotic Penguin!
    WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT???!!!!!
    and I hate those who say… “Oh it's so easy to use, I am always on it, I have no problems with it. It must be you”
     I want to SLAP those people SOOOOOOOOOO hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
     

  • Sarika B

    I love your posts! I am so stalking you on twitter!

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