7 Ways To Be As Popular As Porn: Part 3.1459

porno-pianta

It's a tree, you sicko. A tree.

This is a continuation of a blogging series not unlike the Lord of the Rings saga.

Only better.

Well, worse.

But in my head, better.

You can read parts 1 and 2 here and here.

Let’s pick up where we left off.

Let’s make you as popular as porn.

4. Be Different.

Look at your life.

You walk around and talk to people.  You stare at your cocker spaniel and eat oreos all day.  Sometimes you go to Red Lobster and order one of those rock lobster tail things and come home with indigestion.

That’s called being normal.

Now consider porn.

Chicks are like doing other chicks.  Making crazy noises I’ve never made any girl make.  Dudes are all tatted up and like angry and stuff.

It’s different.

Porn is a break away from conventional life.

I’ve never met a super-hot porn girl on the street and have her want to do me.

I’ve never met a super-fat chick on the street and have her want to do me.

I’ve never met a blind chick on the street and have her want to do me.

Basically, nobody wants to do me.

But in porn, everyone just does everyone else.  It’s a fantastical wonderland world where nobody rejects anyone and nobody cries at home in their peejay pants with the racing stripe while watching Golden Girls reruns.

Create the escape.

Do it by being something else.

Take a look around the Internet.  It’s blogs that want to be other blogs.  Social media douches that want to out-douche other social media douches until Twitter and Facebook implode into themselves and we all have to go back to Friendster.

I’ll be damned if I’m going back to Friendster.

Everyone there is from the Philippines and want me to view their webcam.

The point is, the Internet is flooded with me-toos and not enough me-and-screw-yourself-if-you-don’t-like-its.

That’s what you need to be.

The second thing.

Consider my horrible life.

I wake up in the morning at 9.  I drink a Diet Coke, and then feed myself like a ravaging baby wolf for thirty-eight minutes.

Then I sit around in my parents basement and watch TVLand all day.

I nap four times.

Then I take a bus to a pub and drink heavily.

Then I retreat to my dank basement chambers, put on my peejay pants with the racing stripe and gently cry myself asleep to Dave Matthews YouTube videos.

Yet you, the creepy blog reader, are here.

Reading.

Every.

Word.

Why?

Because I’m different.

  • I don’t piss.  I tinkle.
  • I don’t have sex.  I like totally do stuff to chicks.
  • I will never call you your first name.  I will always call you ‘tiny’ and then massacre your last name and make it into a verb.

Kate Kelton becomes Keltonnynessdom!

Nia Varda..

Varada…

Vadlaorlo…

Well fine.

She can be Nia.

But if you tweak the nipples of your personality a bit, you become different.  You become exceptional.

You become something some virgin from the Philippines wants to be one day.

Now if you’ll excuse me.

I’m late for a nap.

  • Hey I really enjoy reading this! Write more please.
    Good luck with the trial of escaping your parents basement XD

  • samsexy

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  • There's a lot of ways to be popular as porn. One thing that you must do is to be a good person in such a way that you know how to be sensitive on such things or stuffs being discuss by most of people. One good example is porno stuffs. I as a person treat porn as an art in some matter because it involves movements and love.

  • XD FAIL XD

    Epic picture…

  • XD FAIL XD

    Epic picture…