7 Ways To Be As Popular As Porn: Part Second.

1

If you’re reading this and wondering where the first part is, click here.

If you don’t, you’ll be horribly confused and lost due to my deftly complex plot and story evolution.

Where were we?

Ah yes.

Clown porn.

Here are two more ways to be as popular as porn.

2. Find an Audience.

You may not be very interesting.  Or smart.  Or even good looking.

Perhaps all three.

Probably all three.

But even if you’re a grumpy-pants with randomly straying nosehairs that just kinda hang out of your nose all the time, there is someone, somewhere that will enjoy you.

You just have to find them.

You have nose hairs like that.

Shut up.  I’m trying to be hot.

And when you pull one out another one immediately takes its place.

Yeah hi.  Chicks dont like when you talk about nose hairs.

It’s alarmingly repulsive.

Thanks.

Now, when you finally get someone to pay attention to you, learn everything about them.  Gender, age, PIN numbers.  Everything.

Delve deep into your audience and understand who they are.

Watch how I do it.

I have 100 people that read Tremendous News!

I call them the dobernerds.

Of the 100 dobernerds, 90 are female.  10 are dudes trying to like totally bang the 90.

See right there?  I just discovered that my core audience is female.  And horny guys.  But let’s stick with the chicks.

Of the 90, 45 of them are women from 30-45 years old.

My average reader is a chick, 35.2 years old that has 1.2 kids.

Do you know what 1.2 kids means?

It means she has a kid and now she’s knocked up with another.

There.  That’s my core reader.  I call her Gertrude A. JuiceBox.

GAJ.

Now everything I do on TN is to please my GAJes.  The GAJes are the core.  If you’re reading this post, peek below and look at the comments. See?

GAJes.

They’re everywhere.

I mustn’t frighten them.  If I totally drop F-bombs everywhere and talk about my genitalia, they’ll scurry away to LOLCatz.  So what I do is please them.

I bring the GAJes joy.  I help them escape from their horrible lives where they sit there with their yenta friends and yenta it up about their super tiny panties and bras.

That’s what you need to do.

Find your GAJ.

3. Listen to Your Audience.

I’ll admit it.

I’m not very bright.

To this day, I still don’t know what a POP server is.  I’m not sure if a zucchini is actually a different type of a cucumber or is it it’s own totally different thing?

I didn’t know what NSFW meant until people started saying I was NSFW.

(It means not-safe-for-work)

And I’ll be damned if I’ve ever sined or cosined anything.

Maybe once in college.

So what I do is ask my dobernerds.

I ask them everything.  If they like my site.  If they like my advertising.

What I could do to make them pay me.

And they answer.

They said write a book and we’ll buy it.

So I’m writing a book.  I was going to call it How To Write Funny.

But one of the dobernerds, Alex Weber, told me I should call it How To Write Funny (Good).

See?  That’s actually funnier.  So now I’m going to call it that.

I’m also going to launch a contest they requested and give away some of Alyssa Milano’s (whom I’m like totally dating) (seriously) (well, in my head) clothing line called Touch.

This was an idea they requested.  The GAJes.

And now it’s coming to fruition.

Because of them.

And it works, too. Because you can be totally lazy and your readers will do all your work for you.

Now if you’ll excuse me.

I have nosehairs to trim.

part 1 is here.

  • this post is GAJ approved!

  • Kathleen Reddy

    this post is GAJ approved!