How I Cured Baldness In 4 Simple Steps.


I’m revealing a devastating new detail.

My head-hairs may or may not be receding.

Mostly ‘may’.

Forget the ‘may not’.

I first noticed this two years ago at the supple age of twenty-seven.  I immediately took out a ruler and examined the disaster.

Then I went into cardiac arrest.

When God, whom we all know is actually He-Man, gave out physical attributes, I got screwed.

Here’s my inventory:



Super Hairy-ness Pretty Much Everywhere. Everywhere.  Think Teen Wolf grown up.

Zero athletic ability.




That?  That right there?

That’s called winning the loser lottery.

Two years ago, He-Man struck his hardest.  Right into my hairline.  As of that moment it was 0.289 inches from where my hairline should be.  If you round it by cosine.

Divide by sine.

And then add Tan.

I don’t think that makes sense mathematically.

Don’t worry. Hot chicks are like, aroused right now.

Anyhow, I’ve spent the last two years fighting a battle against baldness.  And I’ve actually won.

My head-hairs have never looked more fuller, lush and iron-wooly.  They rest 0.288 inches from where they should be.

I beat baldness.

Here’s how I did it.  If you use these tips, you can beat it too.

Wait, this is just you violating your audience in that off putting sarcastic way, right?


But dude!  Actual bald guys probably got here from Google looking for a real cure for baldness.

Oh yeah!  Well they should leave now.  The last thing I need is glossy-headed hate.

4 Steps To Cure Baldness.

1. Hang Out With Balder People.


Thanks for coming out, pube-head.

The first step to beating baldness is psychological.  If you hang out with a hippie with an afro and one of those picks in his head, that can’t help your morale. Pick super bald dudes.  Like those guys who shave their heads down all the way down.  The more mirror-like, the better.  Then just stand around and talk about hair.

Dude don’t you hate it when all your super long hair gets in your eyes?  I know right!?  Gross.

2. Color In Your Gaps With Those Smelly Marker Things.

Remember those markers we got when we were kids that smelled like stuff?  Cherry.  Lemon.  Green Apple. P-toluene sulfonic acid.

Just use them to color in the gaps.

3. Learn To Cry More.

Why come to terms with the emotional devastation of balding?



At the same time.

It’s worked for me.

4. Understand That Bald Dudes Are Like Totally Scoring.


This dude is like totally scoring.


So is this dude.


This dude like every 43 seconds.


Maybe not him.

There you have it.  Four simple steps that help me beat baldness.

Now that I’ve scratched that off the list, I can work on the hairyness, fatness and moobs.

Thanks for nothing, He-Man.


Pre-order my super affordable e-book How To Write Funny. I’ll teach you why people actually read stuff after an article just because they’re in italics.

  • faraimpresii

    Hair loss or Alopecia is a problem most of us are facing on a daily basis. Some studies say that men tend to “get” balder faster or that stress contributes to this problem or plainly we're just born with it – carried by genes that is. Nevertheless when it comes to hairloss or caderea parului we have to agree that women suffer the most and spend up a fortune to get rid of this problem. The thing is most products aren't even half good as they are marketed so what's a woman to do ? I think that natural remedies (using eggs and aloe vera) can help your hairloss problem but if people don't start eating and living healthy there's no stop to this issue.

  • beebow

    You're right. I totally *was* aroused when you started talking about mathematics and stuff.

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