8 More Tweeter Types: Which One Are You?

2511539541_b8c0356486I know the key to Twitter.

The key that unlocks the guarded fences that contain the dobernerds.

The Twitter nerds that attack any nerdy twitter link.

Basically, you.

It’s insanely simple.

You dobernerds need feedback.  You sit there each day, tweeting out into the wilderness, hoping, praying, dying for someone to reward you.

You ache for a grade.

A ranking.

But most of all, you need to be made fun of.

So just like I did with the 13 Tweeter Types, here’s a few more.

14. The Chick Who Updates Us On Every Moment Of Her Life.

You’re following one of these people. Trust me.  You’re following one.

But none of them can out-do this:





15. The Chick Who’s Having A One-Way Conversation With @aplusk.

When you visit her page, this is what you see.

@aplusk OMIGOD you won’t believe what my lying-ass mom said to me today

@aplusk lolZ! ur so cute in that twitpic! r u at da zoo? u shud come 2 the SD zoo – ill take u.

@aplusk hey can u follow me so I can tell you sumthng private

@aplusk i swear, my mom is such a lying-ass dummy.

Imagine now.

Imagine Ashton Kutcher sitting on the set of some movie halting production with hey guys, let’s take a breather.

There’s a chick with a lying-ass mom in San Diego I need to sort out.

16. The Local Personality Whose Company You Know Is Forcing Him To Use Twitter.


Meet Leslie Roberts, a local news anchor in Toronto.

My girlfriend-who-barely-knows-I-exist-and-would-be-appalled-if-she-ever-heard-me-call-her-my-girlfriend has a major crush on Leslie Roberts.  I don’t know why.  I mean, really?  Having a successful career while aging gracefully is overrated.

Lately, they have plastered his symmetrical and aesthetically-pleasing face all over buses in Toronto.  So when I hobble my staggeringly obese body to go to the dentist, I have to stare into his cold, dead eyes.

What kind of name is ‘Leslie’ for a dude anyway?

Twitter now.

When you watch Leslie on the news, he has a segment called “Twitter Time” where he responds to thousands of annoying yentas who send in their comments.  Leslie reads them on air, chuckles to himself, and makes some nauseatingly charming remark.

You and I both know Leslie couldn’t care less about these yentas.

But his company has forced him to “engage”.

Yeah, thanks for engaging Leslie.

Because that’s what I need.


17.  The TMI Army.

If you’re ever on Twitter and you see a hashtag like #turnons start to trend, try to control yourself.

Don’t click on it.


If you do, you’ll meet the TMI army.

You pilot through their tweets.

You’re affronted with thousands of things you’ve never, ever wanted to know about strangers.

Then.  Then you see the one lady who can barely fit into her avatar picture.

And you try. You try your hardest not to read what she wrote in her #turnon.

But you can’t resist.

OH dayam! i luv when a man can go down on me HAWT. eeeet! eeeet!

That right there?

That’s how the TMI army defeats you.

18. The Woman Who TwitPics Everything.


Her in a pool.  Click.

Her walking out of the pool.  Click.

Her drying herself off. Click.

Her in some super short-boy-short thing and she’s like wearing a bra but you can kind of see a little bit of her–

I forget.

I swear I forget.


19. The Dude Who Will Blindly RT Anything.

Really?  What are we supposed to do with that?

Really?  What are we supposed to do with that.


20. The Person Who Has Attended Every TweetUp-Pod-Camp-Social-Media-Conference Ever Invented.


Days from now, there’s a TweetUp in Tulsa.  6 people will attend.

She’ll be one of them.

Weeks from now, there’s a “pod camp” in Vancouver. 150 people will be there.

She’ll be first.

And through each of these, she’ll update you live about Twitter trends.  She’ll link Mashable, TechCrunch. 478 nerdy graphs. She’ll overwhelm you with her smartness.

While I’m sitting here still trying to figure out what “Nudge” does.


Does anybody know?

I want to use it so bad.


21. The Twitter Mom Bloggers.


There’s a faction of mothers who tweet and blog.  They inform large corporations that they suck through a variety of social media platforms.

They’re moms sitting at the cutting edge of social media.

Oh wait.

You think I’m going to make fun of them here?


I’m not that mental.

These mothers are beautiful, strong women who, if you insult, will combine forces with other moms across Twitter like Voltron. They will connect into each other to form a indestructible force that will assault you through tweets until you unravel emotionally and cry in your parents basement.

I’m not that mental.



There you have it.

8 more Tweeter types for a total of 21.

Hopefully, you dobernerds will read this and find the one you’re most like.

I’m late for Twitter Time with Leslie Roberts.


To pre-order a copy of my short-tutorial How To Write Funny email me here.  Or?  You can use that email to tell me how much I suck.  It’s like dual-purposes!

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For my Twitter Avatar Roast, click here.

For my Twitter Celebrity Roast, click here.

To read the first part of this, click here.