The 13 Types Of Tweeters. Which One Are You?

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The Beatles had a gift.  They could craft music that became timeless.  Creative.  Brilliant.  They were unmatched.

Van Gogh had a gift.  He could compose art so abstract.  Mysterious.  Profound.  He was unmatched.

I have a gift.  I can write blog posts so repulsive.  Off-putting.  Asinine.

Try matching this.

I’ve been on Twitter since February and have carefully digested the personalities of tweeters. Processed them.  And now.

Now it’s time to rip on them.

If you’re on Twitter, you might be one of the following.

1. The Woman Who Thanks Her Tweeps Every Thirty Seconds.

For some reason, this lady feels a strange affinity for her followers.  So instead of tweeting anything valuable, she’ll just thank them for still following her.

Hey good morning tweeps!  I’m so lucky to have great tweeps following me!

Thanks for keeping me busy tweople! I’m going to get some shut-eye.

You guys are so twiendly!  *giggle*  Thanks tweeps!

In her mind, she thinks her followers enjoy this.  But in reality, every time she tweets, a tiny piece of them dies.

2. The Chick Who Still Thinks She’s On MySpace.

yellow

There is a growing faction of girls on Twitter who try to recreate the MySpace environment.  They do this by flirting and fighting, only resting to comment on the new Lady Gaga album. You can find them by their profile images which are quite provocative.

Or twitter search “OMG You Guys”.

It’s like a net.

@bibzee

3. The People Who Live For The Ranking Some Random Website That Was Just Created Two Weeks Ago Gives Them.

Copy_of_chethstudios

Have you heard of ReTweetRankIndexGrade?

These people have.

Each day, they scour the Internet to find some new website that grades them as a tweeter and then battle other nerds to be listed in the Top 10.  They do this by furiously shrinking URLs, scheduling tweets in some script, and then pumping out Mashable and TechCrunch links.

If they could, they’d put their Twitter grade on their resume.

See.  You read that line above and smiled.

They read that line above and said one day.

One day.


@cheth

4. The People Who Feel They Can Solve Complex Political Problems In 140 Characters Or Less.

Each day these people will shower your stream with links to political blogs.  If you disagree with them, they’ll @reply you with thousands of reasons why you’re wrong until you lay defeated and weak and just want to look at LolCats images and cry all over yourself.

Even though democracy was built on dialogue, debate and process, these individuals have found a way to fit the solution into 140 characters.

And they’re never wrong.

Smiling_Woman

@rightgirl

5. The Twitter Account That’s Supposed To Tweet About One Thing But Then Randomly Tells Us Something Creepy About Their Own Personal Life.

Silver_eagle

A couple months ago, I started following an account that was supposed to be about silver bullion.

I’m not sure why I followed it.  I think it’s because I like saying the word ‘bullion’ in my mind.

Try it.

Bullion.

See?  Tell me that’s not fun.

Basically, the account just tweeted about silver prices across the world.

Except one day, I saw this array of tweets:

Price of silver on the metal markets seem to be on the rise.

Has silver bottomed out? http://bit.ly/fU8IE

Metal markets down, silver showing signs of a Monday bounce.

I guess that’s what you get when you trust women who are liars.  I hate my life.

Reading: Silver nearing less than 2% of the price of gold.

6. The Guys You Know Were Nerds All Their Lives Until Social Media Came Along.

calvinlee

Scobleizer

Let’s start with a confession.

I’ve been a nerd all my life.  A big one.

Then social media came along.  And now?

Still a nerd.

Not these guys.  These are the guys that you see with thousands and thousands of followers reading every nerdy link they tweet.  They jetset across the world to attend tweetups and podcamps.  Twitter chicks offer them their super hot bodies while I sit in my wife-beater with weird soya sauce stains and watch Golden Girls reruns at home.

Thanks a lot.

Although I won’t lie, Rose is starting to look hot.

@mayhemstudios @scobleizer

7. The Woman Who Thinks Her Twitter Friends Are Real.

There’s nothing more fun than watching someone who thinks her Twitter followers are actually her friends.  She’ll #FollowFriday people and describe them like this:

She’s the most caring person I’ve ever met.  She’s always been there for me.

Then, because I’m hilariously unemployed, I investigate and discover they know each other only through Twitter.

Always been there for you?

Lady.  It’s twitter.  These are anonymous Internet people.

If you have a major personal problem what are you going to do?

DM her for advice?

What’s she going to do?

Send you a bit.ly link?

Ha!

Bit.ly link.

8. The People Who Think They’re The Forefathers Of Twitter Because They’ve Been Scripting Followers 2 Years Before You Got Here.

There’s this pack of individuals on Twitter that have 90 zillion followers and follow everyone of them back.

You know exactly who I’m talking about.

They get annoying when they advise their following on how they should tweet.

Really dude?  You’ve used programs to get all of your followers over the last two years.  I have to sit here and actually have a personality.

You know how exhausting having a personality is?

That was actually a question.  I don’t really know.

9. The People Who Are So Worried They’ll Lose Followers They Apologize After Every Tweet.

Hey guys, here’s an article from “Tremendous News” it’s a little racy and snarky, but made me laugh a bit! http://bit.ly/ds28J

Guys just be warned that last article has strong language.

Guys I’m sorry if anyone was offended!  I think I lost a few people because of that! 🙁

Then they immediately figure out who unfollowed them and annoy them until they refollow them back.

10. The Spambot You Wish Were Real.

This young lady is using the Twitter application on her telephonic device to unfollow me.  Immediately after, she will LOLZ herself.  Immediately after that, I will unravel emotionally.

This girl followed me 89 times.  I consider that intercourse.

11. The Chick Who Still Hasn’t Figured Out Twitter Even Though She Has 1072 Updates.

hssocks

OMG you guys! What’s a “hashtag”?

Really?  Because it’s not gene splicing, sweetheart.

@carolzara

12. The Chick Who, If You Piss Off, 700 Of Her Yenta Followers Will Tweet You Until You Cry.

biz_pic_glasses

Stefheadshot50x50

Trust me.  I learned the hard way.

@BridgetAyers @adventuregirl

13. The People Who Think The Two Nerds Who Created Twitter Are TwitJesus.

biz

evan_williams

Have you ever been on Twitter when @ev or @biz post an update?  There are some people who drop everything to witness their words.

Then they’ll return to tweet their experience.

Yeah hi.  They’re two dudes, people.  What do they have that I don’t have?

Besides money.

Success.

Looks.

An apartment that isn’t their parents basement.

But besides that?

Exactly.

———-

There you have it.  13 Twitter personalities.  You can probably add some of your own.

I’m late for a Golden Girls rerun.

—–

Want to read about 8 more personalities? Click here.

Thinking of following me on Twitter?  Don’t. I bring nothing to the table.

dee@tremendousnews.com



  • This has to be the most hilarious “Twitter” article I've read in years. Totally. Really. Seriously … dude.

    😀

  • I thoroughly enjoyed that.

  • Anne

    This was great. Just found you on Twitter yesterday and already you've made me laugh several times and I AM NOT EASILY AMUSED! Okay, I'm better now. Keep up the good work.

  • I know exactly what you're talking…well, blogging…about
    So glad i didnt fit into any of them 😉

  • bwahaha–twitter grade on the resume!
    thanks @rightgirl (well sorta kinda)

  • The multiple personality twitter, I can attest as can @billengvall who is followed by all of them, and follows 1 back (hockey bet), that I have 12. No I am not the highest account user (though I once thought I was)
    Somebody has 14 at least (from a source, not confirmed) Mine all have a purpose, their's I have no clue.

  • d4iana

    I think this is fun … very good job But I have one question: what about the type that have tweeter, follow more people ( most of them celebrities) than people are following them. they barely tweet and they have to have it even though they would love to make be an active member but just don't know how to make it happened

  • You've missed me. I'm the guy that has two legitimate followers, so he can't really do anything with Twitter. At all.

    Actually, I'm working on finding followers, but it's not all that easy as I am a person that simply wants to use Twitter like an advanced form of chat room. I actually hated chat rooms, and I'm even more opposed to programs and sites that allow you to follow thousands of people indescriminatly, so it's bound to be a long and grueling process.

    In an attempt not to emmulate the girl that posts her every move she makes or the guy that RT's anything mindlessly, I'm stuck posting one or two comments that seam somewhat interesting to me, and favoriting tweets with links I would like to follow during down time.

    Hopefully, I will one day find that, like my two followers, some people simply stumble across me and find me to be a viable person to follow for some unspoken reason.

    Until that day,

    Damon Lyon

    P.S. follow me.

  • mkhu9099

    yo,the girl with iphon is realy hot do u have more pictures of her?

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  • jenny

    do you still have any more pictures of the girl in number 10?

  • Van gogh didn't create abstract art. Other than that, this is 100% accurate.

  • i lold in this post.. omg.. I almost cried.. awesome !!! good job 🙂

  • Sadly, I fall into category 11…I sit at the computer for hours in my My Little Pony pajamas, hashtagging indiscriminately and saying things like “what up tweeps!” All the while, having no idea what I'm doing. Curiously, I also have difficulty tying my shoes, telling time on those mechanical clocks, and making change for a dollar.

  • glad i don't really fit into those.

    .. and I know what you mean. LOL

    thx.

  • Vinod

    14. There are those #twitter types who don't tweet ever but read other people's tweets.
    15. These #twitter types don't read, but only tweet.

  • Vinod

    14. There are those #twitter types who don't tweet ever but read other people's tweets.
    15. These #twitter types don't read, but only tweet.

  • Vinod

    14. There are those #twitter types who don't tweet ever but read other people's tweets.
    15. These #twitter types don't read, but only tweet.

  • Vinod

    14. There are those #twitter types who don't tweet ever but read other people's tweets.
    15. These #twitter types don't read, but only tweet.

  • Vinod

    14. There are those #twitter types who don't tweet ever but read other people's tweets.
    15. These #twitter types don't read, but only tweet.

  • DJ

    Damn. That rightgirl is one seriously racist Canadian.

  • hahhaaa Love this! 🙂 I think I may be a mixture of a few!

  • how bout sports blogger dude that tweets every pitch of a baseball game, then blindly spews the most inane crap about his life during the day when the game isn't on. Sadly, thats me!! I really do need a life.
    PS. Follow me,(@bharsh) It builds my self confidence and keeps my positive mental attitude in check when I see my followers number go up!

  • i met my future husband on twitter, so twitter friends can be VERY real! 🙂 have missed you, TN!

  • i met my future husband on twitter, so twitter friends can be VERY real! 🙂 have missed you, TN!

  • Oh no, I am on number 6 and I am a nerd.

  • I just googled “what kind of tweeter are you” and found this post. Hilarious! Great job.

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  • Haha im definatly the number 6 ! 😀 Nerd quilty as charged.

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