7 Easy Ways To Sell Out As A Blogger.

Funny. When I'm in public reading a newspaper, girls that look like this never smile.

Hi.

Don’t be frightened.

You’re still at Tremendous News.

It’s still extremely tremendousy and devoid of anything newsworthy.

But holy poopy-pants, has it changed.

This is my guide to the new site.  I am camouflaging it as a how-to article because the headline will suck in hundreds of nerds.  Then they’ll get all offended that this site isn’t as good as TechCrunch and run away, flailing their tiny nerd arms in the air.

OK.

They’re gone now.

When I started Tremendous News! in February 2009, I launched it using a WordPress theme I found while drunk in my parents basement.

That design is history.

I, coincidentally, still live in my parents basement.

And I’m still sort of drunk.

If you look around, you’ll see the fantastical attributes of this new site.  Here are 7 ways to launch a site redesign that is simply tremendous. And can help you sell out.

1. Settle Your Audience.

One thing a lot of sites do is totally overwhelm their audience by being too busy.

I kind of do that with my ads.

But I need to get paid.

Paid badly.

So the way this site settles you is by offering the gentle appearance of a newspaper laid neatly on a wooden desk.

The wood cascades across your pleasant bosom.  It quells your frantic whimper.

It brings you transcendental peace and warmth.

And if it doesn’t, well fuck.

You’re such a diva.

2. Tie Everything Together With A Theme.

I’m a big fat nerd.  If you’ve read me, you know this.

Each morning I rise from my futon-bed, and look out through that tiny basement window that won’t open.  I greet the day.

I begin to think about my devastating problems.

The hilarious credit-card debt.

The over-drinking.

My staggering obesity.

I sigh. These problems weigh down on my startlingly large man-boobs.

But one thing will always make me smile.

My newspapers.

I created Tremendous News! because each day, I read and love a variety of publications.

The Globe & Mail.

The New York Times.

The Wall Street Journal.

Best Buy Flyers.

Also?

Penthouse.

OK fine.  Jugggs Monthly.

But it’s a theme for me, the newspapers.  And so in this new design, everything is tied back to the conventional newspaper.

3. Make Your Ads Relevant To Your Audience.

Look, I’m trying to sell out hard.

Hard.

But I’m doing it in a way that’s helpful to you, my core reader.

You’re welcome.

Almost half of my readers fall into two categories.

1. Women aged 25-45.
2. Women aged 45+

Basically women.

So I have worked on getting ads that are geared towards them.

If you click on True Blood through this site, you get a huge discount off the DVDs.  Blockbuster?  Travel.

Super wicked M&Ms that you can put your own name on!

The other half of my audience are nerdy bloggers.

For them I put hosting ads and like, nerd-shit.

Clicking and purchasing things through my website will help propel me out of my parents basement and into a rundown apartment in a low-income neighborhood.

Do the right thing.

4. Make Your Comments Come Alive.

Take a look below.  Facebook Connect.  Twitterness.  Now, you can tell me how much you hate me through a variety of different social media platforms!

5. Find A Designer That Will Make You Cry.

I sought the services of a good designer.

I found him in Khayyam Wakil.

Don’t let the terroristy-name fool you.  He’s North American.

Speaks English.

Likes freedom.

And he’s a pretty kick-ass designer.

The only problem I had with him was that he would tell me to do things that I guess he thought I knew.

Hey man, can you just get me the UAI API key out of your Google Analytics?  I need it for a plugin hack.

Fuck yes I can!  Give me like 2 minutes.

Then I’d scamper into my futon-bed and cry all over myself because I had no idea what he just said.

Eventually, he’d just work-around my stupidity and get things done.

That’s what you need.  A Khayyam Wakil.

(If he’s not deported by then)

Also special thanks to a convoy of designer nerds: Andy Sowards, WP Studios and Cameron Oliver.

6. Make Your Site Sticky.

If you go to the front page of my site, you’ll see articles you didn’t realize I wrote.  Don’t worry.  I totally forgot I wrote them too.  This will keep you on my site longer.

That’s called being sticky.

Also, my site is easy to whore out to your friends.  If you look at the Share button at the top of every article, it makes it simple to share an article.

Take note of the ReTweet button.

This button will tell you how many times the article you are reading got “tweeted” on Twitter.

Twitter is like a raging pack of nerdy Dobermans.

Dobernerds.

Ha!

Dobernerds.

If you give them something they like, they’ll tweet the shit out of it.

If you don’t, you’ll see that number remain low.

The secret to feeding the dobernerds is to always title your article in one of the following ways:

7 Ways To..

5 Reasons Why..

How To Make A…

The One Thing You Didn’t Know About…

And then stuff your headline full of Twitter/Facebook references.

Boom.

Dobernerds go crazy.

7. Ask Your Readers A Hanging Question They Can Answer In Comments That You Totally Ignore.

The key is to engage your readers.  When you re-design your site, you want to engage even more.

Which is why you need to ask them how they feel about shit.

They’ll respond, and if you’re like me, you’ll totally focus on the positive responses and responses from hot chicks and be emotionally devastated by the negative ones.

You can ignore the rest.

But the key is that your readers will want their voice heard.

Watch.  I’ll show you how it’s done.

What do you think of the new Tremendous News!?