7 Secrets To A Sensational Blog Post.

The 8th secret is to use a picture of a chick in a belly-shirt even if she has little to nothing to do with your content.

The 8th secret is to use a picture of a chick in a belly-shirt even if she has little to nothing to do with your content.

Inventing a blog is tough work.

You have to sit there, be creative, be interesting, be anecdotical. Is that a word? Anecdotical? It looks weird and my WordPress editor is underlining it with the red-underline that means I’m a big fat dummy.

You know the one.

Whatever.

It’s a word now.

I’m at my 65th word right after this one.

Poopy-ness!

Sorry.

Had to make it count.

Look! You’re still engaged.

You are. Hundreds of people hit the Back button when I used the word ‘anectodical’.

They said:

I will not sit here and creepily lurk around a blog when the blogger uses words that are not part of the English language. I’m going to LOLCats.

How dare they.

Each day, bloggers electronically mail me with the question: How long should an article be, Tremendous News!? You seem to have found the perfect stroke of genius because all of your articles are smashing hits while my blog just sits there with zero comments and zero hits. I just refresh it myself three hundred-and-eighty-seven-times. Then I’ll check my stats and smile. Yeah. You heard me. I’m comfortable living within the embarrassing corridors of failure.

OK I lied.

Nobody emails me.

But if they did, I’d give them this advice. Advice to bloggers. Advice to writers. To anyone who wants to write anything engaging.

234th word.

Doo-doo-face-head-nose-ears-mouth!

Be real.

Be fucking real.

I don’t care if you’re doing a blog on being a super-hot-mom-but-really-you’re-just-a-milf-four-years-away-from-being-a-cougar.

I don’t care if you’re an 18 year old virgin kid from the Philippines who blogs about basketball.

Sorry Ted.

But I can tell.

The point is to be honest in your writing.

Forget about the experts.

Forget about the ‘5 tips for more traffic’ bullshit.

I’ll detail the method I use to make every post a smashing success.

Hey. You’re still reading, aren’t you?

I might have a point.

334th word.

Bum-juice!

1. Follow a beat.

Think of your writing as a beautiful drum line. Find a beat.

Bass.

Bass.

Snare.

Repeat.

Don’t deviate. Don’t tinker. If you can read through your post and feel a natural ryht..rhyty…

Fuck.

I can never spell that word. Which leads me to my next point.

2. Don’t use words you’re not comfortable with.

Nobody cares how smart you are. Simplify the post. Boil it down.

Don’t use a big word when a diminutive word will do.

3. Keep it brief.

Nobody cares. Cut yourself off if you hav

4. Write for yourself. Everyone will fall in love with you being in love with you.

Does that make sense? Because I tried to explain it to an ex girlfriend while crying.

It wasn’t pretty.

Point is, I read my articles over and over and over again after I post. I tweak tiny details. A paragraph. A line. Spacing. Word selection.

I’m creepily in love with my own writing.

496th word.

Boobs!

So I read. I read and correct. If this entire site was offline and nobody read this post, I’d still read it.

Be proud of your creation and don’t give a shit if another person on this planet likes it.

Write for you.

5. Break the mold.

Every blog you read follows a formula. Bloggers quietly, solemnly, march head-down to problogger or mashable or techcrunch and find a blogging tutorial, exalt it as gospel and follow the formula. Somehow, they amass a following that dwarfs the 18 people that read Tremendous News!

All by being average.

Fuck that.

Do something different. Don’t be afraid to.

I hide behind a cowardly mask of anonymity. Mostly due to my devastatingly repulsive appearance. But still.

I’m anything but cowardly in my writing.

626th word.

Vas deferens!

6. Craft the headline.

Make headline-writing an art. Right now, you might only be here because my headline duped your ass into reading this.

You’re the easy one.

There are thousands.

Thousands.

That aren’t here because of my headline.

Get them.

Learn to cleverly tweak your headline until it’s almost a crack-line.

That’s it!

Write a crack-line.

7. Have fun.

If you’re not having fun, nobody else will. It’s only the Internet. Nobody takes this shit seriously anyway.

I thought you started this article by promising to tell us the perfect length of an article. You just wasted our time piloting through points nobody cares about.

The answer is 732 words.

732 words is the perfect article length.

Which is the word that happens right after this one.

Vulva!

———-

Let me drop my 140 character-or-less load right into your Twitter

stream.

Facebook fan me. I harass my ‘fans’ until they block me. It’s like I’m all needy and gross and need attention every minute. Turned on? Facebookyness!