Dear Women: Don’t Believe In ‘Artifical Sperm’, From Every Guy On The Planet.

spermThis article is only for women.

Don’t worry guys. I totally got this.

Women, hi.

I interact with many of you on a daily basis.  One of you is my mother.  Several of you I’ve had friendships with.  Hundreds of you have rejected my creepy advances.

I guess you can call me a lady’s man.

Which is why I have the ability to connect with you.  In a time of need.

Let’s set the record straight.

Many of you might be on the Internet perusing the news.  You might stumble on an article that says something like this:

British Scientists Have Created Artificial Sperm.

In highly nerdy terms I don’t understand, it means that scientists have created sperm from male embryonic stem cells.

Wait.

Just wait.

I know you’re smiling.

But you need to know the reality.

First. It’s British scientists, people.  British.

I remember failing grade eleven Science and the only other guy who failed it was some guy named Logan who just came from England.

And he was dumber than me.

When Mr. Crabtree told us to photosymphony some plant thing, Logan killed the plant and then called us a bunch of wankers.

See?

It’s how these people are.

Second. It’s a total conspiracy hatched by all of our ex-girlfriends.

Look, us guys have totally screwed up.  We get that.  But in our wake, there are hundreds of women who are angry at us.

A scientific discovery like this costs millions of dollars.

Where do you think they got the funding?

Third. You totally need us for more than just our sperm.

.

That’s really all I have.

Fourth. It’s just bait for more funding.

Can anyone actually prove that these “scientists” did this?  Is there a fake sperm baby walking around?  Have you met him?

Exactly.

All a ruse, people.

Fifth.  Please don’t believe this.  Please?

Just because you think you may never need us again doesn’t mean we’re not useful.

Some of us can hunt and gather.

Some have the ability to build sheds.

I can order from Taco Bell and get them to give me dozens of packets of hot sauce for free.

Consider that.

And don’t believe the rumors.

We’re not all Logans.

——

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  • MLS

    Whoever can build a shed…lemme know, I’ve got one in my yard, wasting away in the shiny box it came in.

  • J.Lindley

    Your article assumes women still use/need guys for their sperm. What about the women who don’t want any/more children? They haven’t needed guys for eons.

    Building a shed might constitute a legit need for a guy. Can you build a Tremendous shed?

  • As an Englishman I’m used to hearing more about dumb Americans than dumb Brits. So for that I thank you.

    Also they say what you eat has a big effect on the taste of sperm, mine of course tastes like sweets and chocolate. But I’m wondering what this synthetic stuff is like?

    Alllllllsooo does this mean I can now create a contraption so that MEN can now fake it? I ask only because of the mass ugly that is my girlfriend.

    I kid.

  • I wonder what happened to your British classmate now? Haha! He should be reading this!

  • Dude. You spelt “artificial” wrong in the title.

  • FUCK YOU!

    fuck you asshole of a bitch. This is complete shit

    • AJ Ficarro

      Sort of agree. His writing can be extremely elegant at most times, but that one line…. eh…

  • Hippo2011
  • Can anyone actually prove that these “scientists” did this?  Is there a fake sperm baby walking around?  Have you met him?

  • Several of you I’ve had friendships with.  Hundreds of you have rejected my creepy advances.

  • I guess you can call me a lady’s man.

  • Don’t worry guys. I totally got this.

  • AJ Ficarro

    Sort of agree. His writing can be extremely elegant at most times, but that one line…. eh…

  • scott456356@mail.ru

    Thanks for awareness post for the women. I know there are more woman have who are afraid on sperm but your writings helps them to get relax.