7 Ways Facebook Has Let You Down.

My girlfriend kind of looks like this girl, but hotter. And angrier. Especially when I call her 'my girlfriend'

This weekend, I was talking to my girlfriend about how Facebook isn’t fun anymore.

Wait.

Let’s reset.

Honesty now.

This weekend, I was talking to a girl I call my girlfriend who’s actually dating someone else about how Facebook isn’t fun anymore.

Laura, really.  What does he have that I don’t?

Besides looks, a job and startling success for a man his age.

Does he have a dumpy-looking blog where he can write things?

Thought so.

Point is, we discussed why Facebook isn’t as popular to us as it was before.  So I thought of reasons why.  Reasons why we don’t Facebook as much as we used to.

It’s not because we left Facebook.

Facebook left us.

Here’s 7 ways it did that.

Oh! And if you guys could leave comments about my super hot body, that would show Laura what she’s missing.

Thanks.

7 Ways Facebook Has Let You Down.

1. Facebook Slowly Made It Impossible To Stalk People.

Everyone thinks stalking people is easy.  You’re at a party with them and you take a picture and they go dude, seriously, don’t tag me on Facebook with this unconscious hooker next to me.  My fiancee will kill me.

If only it were that easy.

It’s not.  When I first started Facebooking, I would creepily peruse albums and then when I met someone in real life, I would casually make reference to something I saw that would instantly make the conversation awkward.

Hey man, how you doing?  Haven’t seen you in a while.  What have you been doing lately besides going to your little sisters graduation in Maine wearing a Nautica shirt with a slight stain above your right nipple?

When Facebook heightened their privacy settings, all of this went away.  Album after album became restricted to me.  It was impossible to stalk people.

I almost went back to MySpace.

That’s when you know shit’s bad.

2. Everyone Got All Old.

I remember when Facebook was full of super hot girls parading around in tiny bikinis.  They were all 19-35.  It was a happy time.  I would message and poke them until they finally blocked me.  Facebook was a brimming fountain of judgmental youth.

A few months ago, I was casually monitoring one of Laura’s friends walls and noticed that she was having a wall-to-wall conversation with her own mom.

So I clicked on her mom.

Found out the mom had more friends than me.

This chick’s mom was more popular than me.

Also, she rejected my friend request.

How emotionally crippling.

3. Facebook Held My Genius Captive.

This horrible-looking blog began as a series of Facebook notes.  I would produce tiny notes that my friends and family would read.  They would enjoy them.  But I don’t have many friends and my family was just my shithead cousin who would tell me I sucked after every note.

So I took my show to the Internettyness.

Here, I was received with open nerdy arms.  My readers comment, electronically mail me.  They have shot my Alexa ranking up to become the 107 839th ranked website in the world.

Sure, I’m still devastatingly poor, but at least I have that.  Even if my parents evict me from their basement, I can woo nerdy chicks with how my bounce rate is consistently getting lower.

I wasted years as Facebook restricted and rotted away my talent.

4. Facebook Has Become Too Popular That Every Loser I Know Is On It And Wants To Friend Me.

Every time I log onto Facebook I get new friend requests from people who I don’t really know enough to allow entry into my private world.  Like this dude Peter Morris who I tried to ignore from first to eighth grade.  Dude would sneeze into his hand.  Really.  Into his hand.  Like, stuff would come out and shit.  And then our teacher would pair us up in the buddy system and I’d have to hold hands with him.

Peter, if you’re reading this, that’s friggin gross, dude.

5. Guys Began Poking Other Guys.

It’s just weird and wrong.

6. I’ve Become Jealous Of The Dude That Started It.

Do you know they’re going to do a full movie about that dude?  He’s younger than me!  And the guy has billions of dollars and probably sits in some mansion somewhere counting his bags of money with the dollar sign printed on the front.  Meanwhile I’m still floating the Alexa ranking pickup line to nerdy chicks who can’t stand me.

7. They Removed The Picture Of That Creepy Looking Dude From The Top Corner Of Every Page.

That dude was awesome, especially when– Wait.  Is that the same dude?  Is that the guy who started it?  Because if it is, I’m horribly conflicted.

Even though I wrote an entire blog about how I dislike Facebook, I’ve created a Facebook fan page for myself.  If you would like me to embrace you electronically, you can join here.

Unless your name is Peter Morris.

Gross, dude.

Gross.

———

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Laura, if you’re reading this and there’s no comments below, it’s probably a computer glitch.  Trust me.

Oh, and if you see negative hate comments from people, that’s also a computer glitch.

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