7 Ways Facebook Has Let You Down.

 

My girlfriend kind of looks like this girl, but hotter. And angrier. Especially when I call her 'my girlfriend'

My girlfriend kind of looks like this girl, but hotter. And angrier. Especially when I call her 'my girlfriend'

This weekend, I was talking to my girlfriend about how Facebook isn’t fun anymore.

 

Wait.

Let’s reset.

Honesty now.

This weekend, I was talking to a girl I call my girlfriend who’s actually dating someone else about how Facebook isn’t fun anymore.

Laura, really.  What does he have that I don’t?

Besides looks, a job and startling success for a man his age.

Does he have a dumpy-looking blog where he can write things?

Thought so.

Point is, we discussed why Facebook isn’t as popular to us as it was before.  So I thought of reasons why.  Reasons why we don’t Facebook as much as we used to.

It’s not because we left Facebook.

Facebook left us.

Here’s 7 ways it did that.

Oh! And if you guys could leave comments about my super hot body, that would show Laura what she’s missing.

Thanks.

7 Ways Facebook Has Let You Down.

1. Facebook Slowly Made It Impossible To Stalk People.

Everyone thinks stalking people is easy.  You’re at a party with them and you take a picture and they go dude, seriously, don’t tag me on Facebook with this unconscious hooker next to me.  My fiancee will kill me.

If only it were that easy.

It’s not.  When I first started Facebooking, I would creepily peruse albums and then when I met someone in real life, I would casually make reference to something I saw that would instantly make the conversation awkward.

Hey man, how you doing?  Haven’t seen you in a while.  What have you been doing lately besides going to your little sisters graduation in Maine wearing a Nautica shirt with a slight stain above your right nipple?

When Facebook heightened their privacy settings, all of this went away.  Album after album became restricted to me.  It was impossible to stalk people.

I almost went back to MySpace.

That’s when you know shit’s bad.

2. Everyone Got All Old.

 

Yeah.  Nobody cares about your new photo album.
Yeah. Nobody cares about your new photo album.

 

I remember when Facebook was full of super hot girls parading around in tiny bikinis.  They were all 19-35.  It was a happy time.  I would message and poke them until they finally blocked me.  Facebook was a brimming fountain of judgmental youth.

A few months ago, I was casually monitoring one of Laura’s friends walls and noticed that she was having a wall-to-wall conversation with her own mom.

So I clicked on her mom.

Found out the mom had more friends than me.

This chick’s mom was more popular than me.

Also, she rejected my friend request.

How emotionally crippling.

3. Facebook Held My Genius Captive.

This horrible-looking blog began as a series of Facebook notes.  I would produce tiny notes that my friends and family would read.  They would enjoy them.  But I don’t have many friends and my family was just my shithead cousin who would tell me I sucked after every note.

So I took my show to the Internettyness.

Here, I was received with open nerdy arms.  My readers comment, electronically mail me.  They have shot my Alexa ranking up to become the 107 839th ranked website in the world.

Sure, I’m still devastatingly poor, but at least I have that.  Even if my parents evict me from their basement, I can woo nerdy chicks with how my bounce rate is consistently getting lower.

I wasted years as Facebook restricted and rotted away my talent.

4. Facebook Has Become Too Popular That Every Loser I Know Is On It And Wants To Friend Me.

Every time I log onto Facebook I get new friend requests from people who I don’t really know enough to allow entry into my private world.  Like this dude Peter Morris who I tried to ignore from first to eighth grade.  Dude would sneeze into his hand.  Really.  Into his hand.  Like, stuff would come out and shit.  And then our teacher would pair us up in the buddy system and I’d have to hold hands with him.

Peter, if you’re reading this, that’s friggin gross, dude.

5. Guys Began Poking Other Guys.

It’s just weird and wrong.

6. I’ve Become Jealous Of The Dude That Started It.

 

Your happiness helps no one.
Your happiness helps no one.

 

Do you know they’re going to do a full movie about that dude?  He’s younger than me!  And the guy has billions of dollars and probably sits in some mansion somewhere counting his bags of money with the dollar sign printed on the front.  Meanwhile I’m still floating the Alexa ranking pickup line to nerdy chicks who can’t stand me.

7. They Removed The Picture Of That Creepy Looking Dude From The Top Corner Of Every Page.

That dude was awesome, especially when– Wait.  Is that the same dude?  Is that the guy who started it?  Because if it is, I’m horribly conflicted.

Even though I wrote an entire blog about how I dislike Facebook, I’ve created a Facebook fan page for myself.  If you would like me to embrace you electronically, you can join here.

Unless your name is Peter Morris.

Gross, dude.

Gross.

———

If you would like to receive my super hot Tweets, click here.

If you would like to read my 10 commandments of Facebook, click here.

Laura, if you’re reading this and there’s no comments below, it’s probably a computer glitch.  Trust me.

Oh, and if you see negative hate comments from people, that’s also a computer glitch.


  • I’ve got to say, your posts really crack me up. And I can relate, haha.

  • Anonymous

    i dig u man. u crack me up.

  • You’re one to talk buddy. I found you on facebook and now I really know what’s what. What’s with all the Affliction shirts you sport, sport?

    Oh ya… and you really have an awesome body and Laura’s missing out. That’s why I added her on my Facebook! Oh wait… I just got an email. Yup, she accepted my friendship and wants to meet IRL. Tea for two… and two for me 🙂

    Guess you’re just an awkward dude in an awkward world. Hope you get some fans for your little after school club.

    Peas.

  • You forgot all the drama that comes when you decide to prune the friend list.

    OTOH, it’s kind of awesome to find out so many people who never ever talked to you or even appeared to like you are completed gutted that you have no way of knowing if they took a quiz that day or not.

  • dgal

    you are so freaking hot, your body is amazing. lauras missing out. you are like a god

    i am a pro complimentor

  • Nice work man! haha laughed out loud more than once.

    I would add a #8 way FB let us down: trying to imitate other sites (i.e. twitter) and not caring about the consequences in trying to do so.

    cheers

  • OMG i think I love you hahaha

  • I cannot knock Facebook. It is still the best place I know to find 25 Things about your friends. It is also useful for finding out which of your friends won a race or became a mafia boss. How can you really fault that? LOL

    Like Khayyam, I am now friends with Laura. I was trying to explain about your hot body. She just kept poking me and asking when I was going to poke her back. Sorry my robust buddy. I think Laura may not be “The One” for you. Tried twitter?

  • This sounds more like 7 ways facebook has let YOU down.. Not everything there counts for the rest of us.

    Regardless, great read. Love your writing. Keep it up.

  • You are SUPER hot. She is truly missing it all. Heck, I’m a lesbian and even *I* know this. 😉

  • Jac

    So amazingly hot!!! **drooling**

  • Your junk in stunning.

  • Khayyam and Murnahan follow Laura on FB too??? I,m on that gravy train. Just wondering if the Creepy Looking Dude is on it too?

  • HAHA!! LOL!!!

  • Hahaha! I love your post man! You’re one hella funny guy. The losers are everywhere on facebook and wanting to add you. Lol!

  • Dude, you’re fricken hilarious. How do you come up with this stuff time and time again?

  • tania

    haha ur funny dude ! LOL

  • Former FB user, now “disabled”

    How about that they can randomly disable your account, and then disappear into the night. I’ve had friends contacting me to see if I’m dead… yeah, that still wasn’t enough to prompt a response from facebook. Still, no one should contemplate a return to myspace!! Love your stuff!

  • Okay, I am now officially a “fan” on Facebook. Not that it matters, as Facebook is dead to me.

    But I promise to keep sending you annoying DMs via the twitter.

  • Totally agree with random people trying to add you. I had a huge rant about it on Facebook, then culled everyone I’d met for maybe 2 minutes, or that added me but then never messaged me (what is the point of that?). Many took my initiative and followed suit.

    BTW, ur so hot. Laura is a nut.

  • You’re so hot I’d facebook poke the shit out of you….if I wasn’t a dude of course.

  • rmilana

    ROFL!!! i left facebook and i can use this post as my reason!!! w00t!!

  • DNZR

    Stupid dude…

  • Laura, dude, give him a chance.
    He isn't all bad. really.
    plus he's funny.

  • justdanika

    How many people have told you the story about how hard it is to change relationship status on facebook. Talk about a crappy way to find out a friend go divorced or that you got dumped…
    🙂

  • I assume by “if you guys could leave comments about my super hot body, that would show Laura what she’s missing” you mean guys in the female sense of the word, or else thats a bit awkward.

  • Dude you're BRILLIANT…even though I think facebook is still amazing, your writing has started my day on a happy yet sleepy, but getting awake…note
    Love!

  • An exclusive twitter user

    What's poking? No, really. I don't use Facebook, but now I've heard the term poking a few times. I know it's bad, but what is it and how do you do it? Can you poke someone on twitter? Thanks

    • Morgan

      You click “poke user” under someone's profile pic, and they, if they so choose, click “poke back” or ignore you. And that's it. It's pointless. I guess it's a passive-aggressive way to try to reconnect with someone.

  • mcnutts

    you've got a super hot body.

  • norean

    u have a very hot body, and u draw ur package with such accuracy, it's amazing! laura ur missing out.

  • Hippo2011
  • Everyone thinks stalking people is easy. 

  • I call my girlfriend who’s actually dating someone else about how Facebook isn’t fun anymore.

  • I call my girlfriend who’s actually dating someone else about how Facebook isn’t fun anymore.