About Tremendous News

6 Tips on How To Sell Out As A Blogger.

Posted by Tremendous in Business., Featured Articles, Technology., Twitter. on 06 29th, 2009 | Comments

Despite having little to no relevance to the content of this article, this image is completely necessary.

When I invented Tremendous News, I envisioned a place on the web all to my own.

A magical place where tiny leprechauns would frolic and dance with magicians and mimes.

A forum where I could spew my angry glee all over the place.

A land where LOL fucking cats never existed.

And now?

Now it’s here.

If you’re reading this: in some hilariously small way, you’ve helped make it so.

Thank you.

I write because I enjoy writing. When I discharge my brain matter into the world wide web, I feel good. When I rip on people more successful than me, it makes me feel better about my own devastating failures.

Pure. Raw.

Goodness.

When Tremendous News was featured in news publications, I received several mailings that went like this.

Hey Tremendous News! You got noticed. I guess you’re going to sell out now.

I was alarmed at these messages. So I wrote back.

How? Help me. Help me sell out.

But they never responded. They only teased me with the idea of selling out but never told me how to do it.

These individuals acted like selling out was a bad thing.

Hi!?

You know what a really bad thing is?

Startling poverty.

Recently I have begun the process of selling out by formulating a deal with a publication called Tweeple Magazine. They have fashioned an area on their site where I can produce content where I can rip on celebrities, on Twitter, on Twitter Celebrities. On twelebrities.

Don’t worry.

Never again will I use the term twelebrities.

I will now take alarmingly creepy schizophrenic questions from myself on this breaking news. This was supposed to be a joint press conference with the president of Tweeple Magazine, Jason Tryfon, but he’s too busy tending to a hilarious substance-abuse problem.

Is Tweeple Magazine paying you for this?

Yes. In Indian rupees. Their army of executives informed me that if I fail to draw readership, they’ll outsource my writing job to India, where they can get 49 writers for my salary. Yeah whatever. What are Indian writers going to write about? Slumdog Millionaire? Ha. How long you going to milk that for, India?

Are some of your articles going to appear on TweepleMagazine simultaneously?

Some will. In the fast-paced, Hollywood-like blogging industry, we call this “syndication”. I will “syndicate” my articles and Tweeple will run them. Also, I will continue to quote “syndication” so it seems much more important than it really is.

Thousands of other creepy bloggers look to you, Tremendous News, as a guiding light on how to sell out. Despite the fact that you have yet to make a penny, horribly in debt, can’t maintain a relationship with a woman and are devastatingly obese, can you dispense six pointers on how to sell out?

Fuck yes.

1. Tell everyone you know that you want to sell out. Immediately.

The more you hide behind the lame guise where you say I love the art of blogging, the more people think you actually do.

You don’t. Admit it. Really? Who says the art of blogging, you nerd. You’re just doing this to sell out.

Embrace it.

2. Pretend like your blog is way more important than it is.

Start saying things like my Statbrain/Alexa ranking makes my blog the #1 SEO reference site in the highly-coveted 18-45 yr demo in the lower mainland.

Then tell people to look it up.

Nobody will.

You win.

3. Whore yourself out to every other blog.

When I approached TweepleMagazine, I told them I love celebrities. I love writing about how Justin Timberlake just signed some artist. About how Posh Spice is undoing her boobs. How some chick on some shitty reality TV show is divorcing her husband.

Really?

I couldn’t care less.

But now I’m writing about celebrities for them.

That’s called super-whoring.

4. Make sure people comment on your entries.

Even if they tell you that you suck, it’s a good thing. Most of the feedback I receive are from people that hate me. Inside, I unravel emotionally after every hateful comment, but outside, I smile. Allow people to shower you with hate. It drives up your price.

5. Don’t listen to people who tell you that they’re disappointed you’re selling out.

These people are bizarre. They want you to blog for them like you’re their own personal jester. I have this one reader from India who rates my blog entry out of 10 the minute I post it.

I’ve never scored more than a 4.

Then, after reading that I want to sell out, he’ll probably lace me with insults and tell me that he’s disappointed in me.

Don’t listen to people like him. If they’re so mad at you, they’ll go read something else.

Something Slumdog Millionaire-related.

6. Use the word ‘monetizing’.

For some reason, when you say ’selling out’, people get angry. Quell the nerds by saying you’re finding ways to ‘monetize’.

They love that shit.

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There you have it. Please welcome and embrace into your cold, electrical hearts the fine people at Tweeple Magazine. I’ll post articles there often. I’ll also continue to disappoint you by updating Tremendous News! 3 times a week.

Twitter friend me here.