6 Tips on How To Sell Out As A Blogger.

Despite having little to no relevance to the content of this article, this image is completely necessary.

Despite having little to no relevance to the content of this article, this image is completely necessary.

When I invented Tremendous News, I envisioned a place on the web all to my own.

A magical place where tiny leprechauns would frolic and dance with magicians and mimes.

A forum where I could spew my angry glee all over the place.

A land where LOL fucking cats never existed.

And now?

Now it’s here.

If you’re reading this: in some hilariously small way, you’ve helped make it so.

Thank you.

I write because I enjoy writing. When I discharge my brain matter into the world wide web, I feel good. When I rip on people more successful than me, it makes me feel better about my own devastating failures.

Pure. Raw.

Goodness.

When Tremendous News was featured in news publications, I received several mailings that went like this.

Hey Tremendous News! You got noticed. I guess you’re going to sell out now.

I was alarmed at these messages. So I wrote back.

How?  Help me. Help me sell out.

But they never responded. They only teased me with the idea of selling out but never told me how to do it.

These individuals acted like selling out was a bad thing.

Hi!?

You know what a really bad thing is?

Startling poverty.

Recently I have begun the process of selling out by formulating a deal with a publication called Tweeple Magazine. They have fashioned an area on their site where I can produce content where I can rip on celebrities, on Twitter, on Twitter Celebrities. On twelebrities.

Don’t worry.

Never again will I use the term twelebrities.

I will now take alarmingly creepy schizophrenic questions from myself on this breaking news.  This was supposed to be a joint press conference with the president of Tweeple Magazine, Jason Tryfon, but he’s too busy tending to a hilarious substance-abuse problem.

Is Tweeple Magazine paying you for this?

Yes.  In Indian rupees. Their army of executives informed me that if I fail to draw readership, they’ll outsource my writing job to India, where they can get 49 writers for my salary.  Yeah whatever.  What are Indian writers going to write about?  Slumdog Millionaire?  Ha.   How long you going to milk that for, India?

Are some of your articles going to appear on TweepleMagazine simultaneously?

Some will.  In the fast-paced, Hollywood-like blogging industry, we call this “syndication”.  I will “syndicate” my articles and Tweeple will run them.  Also, I will continue to quote “syndication” so it seems much more important than it really is.

Thousands of other creepy bloggers look to you, Tremendous News, as a guiding light on how to sell out.  Despite the fact that you have yet to make a penny, horribly in debt, can’t maintain a relationship with a woman and are devastatingly obese, can you dispense six pointers on how to sell out?

Fuck yes.

1. Tell everyone you know that you want to sell out.  Immediately.

The more you hide behind the lame guise where you say I love the art of blogging, the more people think you actually do.

You don’t.  Admit it.  Really?  Who says the art of blogging, you nerd.  You’re just doing this to sell out.

Embrace it.

2. Pretend like your blog is way more important than it is.

Start saying things like my Statbrain/Alexa ranking makes my blog the #1 SEO reference site in the highly-coveted 18-45 yr demo in the lower mainland.

Then tell people to look it up.

Nobody will.

You win.

3. Whore yourself out to every other blog.

When I approached TweepleMagazine, I told them I love celebrities.  I love writing about how Justin Timberlake just signed some artist.  About how Posh Spice is undoing her boobs.  How some chick on some shitty reality TV show is divorcing her husband.

Really?

I couldn’t care less.

But now I’m writing about celebrities for them.

That’s called super-whoring.

4. Make sure people comment on your entries.

Even if they tell you that you suck, it’s a good thing.  Most of the feedback I receive are from people that hate me.  Inside, I unravel emotionally after every hateful comment, but outside, I smile.  Allow people to shower you with hate.  It drives up your price.

5. Don’t listen to people who tell you that they’re disappointed you’re selling out.

These people are bizarre.  They want you to blog for them like you’re their own personal jester.  I have this one reader from India who rates my blog entry out of 10 the minute I post it.

I’ve never scored more than a 4.

Then, after reading that I want to sell out, he’ll probably lace me with insults and tell me that he’s disappointed in me.

Don’t listen to people like him.  If they’re so mad at you, they’ll go read something else.

Something Slumdog Millionaire-related.

6. Use the word ‘monetizing’.

For some reason, when you say ‘selling out’, people get angry.  Quell the nerds by saying you’re finding ways to ‘monetize’.

They love that shit.

—–

There you have it.  Please welcome and embrace into your cold, electrical hearts the fine people at Tweeple Magazine. I’ll post articles there often.  I’ll also continue to disappoint you by updating Tremendous News! 3 times a week.

Twitter friend me here.

  • lmao, well stabbed.

  • Wow! I’m easier than a five year olds homework so super whoring should be a breeze!! Thanks, TN for this insightful guide. This has become my “blogging bible”.

  • I have so much hate for you, yet so much love. Welcome to the Tweeplemagazine family! We look forward to disappointing our readers with your drivel. As for the substance abuse problem you report, you just lost a few rupees.

  • Dude that’s brilliant stuff. LOL funny stuff! I’ll be back and retweeting to my peeps.

    Thanks

    TF

    P.S. Follow me @coachtomferry

  • Why didn’t my previous comment get posted?

  • Oh I see LOL. Thanks. It answered the question I asked Jason Tryfon on Twitter 😛

    Yeah Indian (or any third-world country) rupees are lame in value. No wonder why so many indians (and people from the third world) wanna leave third-world for first-world to make the big bucks. But we can’t blame them for their shitty economy & poor education system because their shitty government and politics is solely responsible for that.

    But unfortunately their government is too shameless to admit it. Anyways why should I care? End of /rant

    Great website and I like your full-fledged no-holds-barred honesty. Keep blazing us!

  • I would like to contribute my pseudo-celebrity indorsement by simply reaffirming that you do, in fact suck. As a matter of fact, you suck tremendously!

    Also? You should disallow any comments with the terms “ROTFL” or “LOL”.

  • @Katdish If a random yahoo says that you ‘should’ STFU and suck a stinky tranny’s member, ‘should’ you do it?

    Say it with me: LOL, ROFL, LMFAO

    America…F Yeah!

  • Hello? Why post this when you could have made an ebook out of it to give away ($38.99 retail value) in exchange for email addresses that you can use to shill your other products and rent to First Premier bank?

  • brilliant!!!!! 🙂

  • I love it!!!

  • OMG! You are my soul mate! Hilariously brilliant!

  • Gimli – Never! I will not use text abbreviations! Why? Because I’m stubborn like that.

  • Capitalism at its finest. If someone is willing to pay for your celebriswill, who are you to deny them?

    Cash KACHING $$

  • I’ve been trying to sell out for ages! So I thought I’d join twitter. All these people do is retweet the garbage that I recycle from the RSS bins. Hasn’t made me a dime… but I did land me a cameo appearance on your site once. Didn’t get me any action like you promised.

    However, you appear to be in the know… know how I can make money without selling my ass again?

    By the way… the post:
    +A – for effort
    -D – for nice try

  • Everybody knows you can’t sell out unless you have bunch of horribly ugly and misguided ads on your blog. Nice try, but you so fail as a sellout.

  • @Artemnesia

    I fucking love you. Run away with me fatty!! If you got the dough, that is. I charge by the minute.

  • Don’t just sell out! Sell out to “The Man!” I have no idea who “The Man” is, but if I run across him I’ll tell him you’re looking to sell out. And if you run across him, tell him I’m looking, too.

    Thanks!

    Bill Dyszel

  • Kris

    Do I have to tweet to understand this?

  • 5/10 – THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR MENTIONING ME.

    I KNOW HABIB ISN’T INDIAN, BUT ITS THE MOST ETHNIC NAME I COULD THINK OF.

    CAPS.

  • The image nailed it! Your blog will definitely sells if it shows something like that. 😉

  • All I have to do is write dripple like this & get noticed !? True that…

  • Stephanie

    I love you.

  • Who makes the bisggest noise, attracts more attention! 😉

  • Thanks for the tips bro,
    like ur last tip. lolz. yeahh am gonna use this word 🙂

  • Yep, i’m a total sell-out. i know i have finally arrived with hate comments. geez, are i so lucky?

  • actually, that would be “aren’t” but who is noticing, really.

  • I hereby decry that I would like to sell out… er… monetize my blog and offer my writing services to anyone who reads this. I will accept good ol’ fashioned American Pennies or a few Canadian Loonies or maybe a Yen here or there. Or child slaves. I’ll take a couple of those, too.

    Thanks for the advice. Congrats on your Tweeple deal.

  • Marni

    What Katdish said…

    And I headed over to Tweeple and read your article about MJ. Loved it…will tweet it. And Perez is a douche. I’m glad you think so too. Now I really heart you.

  • Kev

    I’m finding a way to weave in number 2 in my next blog lol great stuff

  • Mason

    I hope you sell out big time! i hope you slowly but surely alter your material to appease the bosses upstairs… And that you mingle with celebrities to the point where Perez Hilton will twitter about you! that Tremendous News guy… from that shitty blog.

    Good Luck!

  • Does this mean you’ll grow a tremendous head and forget all us little tweeple? Yes I said tweeple – it’s popular and I strive to be popular. I’ll jump up & down and do back-flips to get attention. I’m like Speidi rolled into one – wait so are they. Anyway, it’s why I am stressing about being forgotten. Tremendously forgotten..
    Excellent news for you TN! Look forward to my Tweeple edelivery!
    (readers: Follow me @SuShiMat please I need new friends)

  • Susan S M

    P.S. How did you dig up that old picture of me??

    (that’ll get me followers)

  • Faith

    LOL. Looks like you’ve got a plan.

    Seriously, I know a particular blog that can’t handle number 4. They can dish it out, but can’t take it. That’s weak and pathetic. Kudos to those who can. Love your motto/mission statement or whatever you call it.

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  • Hippo2011
  • I envisioned a place on the web all to my own.

  • I could spew my angry glee all over the place.

  • I could spew my angry glee all over the place.