An Open Letter To Those Who Insult Michael Jackson

michaeljackson

Hi.

You’ve been sent here in one of two ways.

One. You read the headline and said to yourself: yeah dumb people who insult Michael Jackson! Shame on you for being such dolts. He was a magnana…he was a mangninama…he was that word that sounds cool and means he’s awesome.

Two. You’re someone who just insulted Michael Jackson and a friend wants to punish you.

With my electronical wrath.

It’s okay if you insulted him. Everyone is dopey once in a while. I mean I’m a big fat dope sometimes too! Remember when Farrah Fawcett died?

I know right?

Seems like so long ago.

Farrah Fawcett fans are probably like, yeah thanks. The same day? That’s the lottery we wanted to win.

As soon as I found out about Farrah Fawcett, I immediately informed my girlfriend. I told her Sarah Fawcett died. The chick from I Dream Of Genie.

Also, she wasn’t really my girlfriend.

Just a fat chick standing in line at the ATM.

Michael Jackson has died. That’s devastating . It really is. I’m going to explain why in a few quick bullet points. Clearly, you need to be educated.

Whatever. I don’t need music lessons from some dude with a shitty blog. I can say whatever I want about him.

Really? Because that’s hurtful. You don’t think I know it’s a shitty blog? I designed it in Microsoft Word, dude. The lesson is simple. Michael Jackson was an icon. He did more for the world of music than you’ll ever do for the world of douchebaggyness.

Although you might surprise me.

Reasons why Michael Jackson was amazing and why you’re a dummy for insulting him.

1. He was so talented, even as a kid.

At five years old, the dude had more talent than I’ll ever have in my entire life. At five. When I was five, I was just walking around trying not to pee all over myself. If I did that, it was a good day. If I didn’t? Well. Probably the reason why my mom told me maybe we’ll just keep with the diapers.

2. His celebrity and adoration were unfathomable.

At the apex of Michael’s career, heads of states wanted to meet him. Top artists imitated him. He was beloved by millions of people and still is today. Now think about how many people love you. You think the person who told you need to read this article really does?

Yeah.

No.

3. You might not have understood him, but there’s no way you didn’t care.

Look, you think I understood the guy? No way. He was all eccentric and nutty, sure. But it was that element of him that made him interesting. But not just interesting in the way where you fart in front of your buddy and he’s like, “hey that’s a startling and interesting odor, dude. Egg McMuffin right?”

Greater than that.

Deeper than that.

He was captivating. He compelled you to pay attention. He held a profound mystique about him that we still won’t understand.

It’s why I called his death the 9/11 of Pop Culture.

And even during all this, you made fun of the guy.

Wow.

Way to class it up.

4. Thriller.

Really? I have to write something here?

Thriller dude.

Thriller.

5. He Popularized The Moonwalk.

I’m a horrible dancer. I was actually told to leave salsa class by my instructor Hugo who was a huge pain in the ass. Hugo was like four apples high, but he spoke in that Brazilian accent that instantly made chicks want to jump him. Also he could dance exceptionally well. Meanwhile I’m standing there trying to perfect the first step, all creepy and terroristy-looking.

No chicks are looking for that.

So I know how hard it is to dance. Michael Jackson could not only dance, but he popularized a dance nobody can really do that well. He’s like Hugo. Times a million.

Taller.

And less of a douche.

Hugo, if you’re reading this:

Thanks for making me cry.

——

Those are just five of the hundreds of reasons Michael Jackson was amazing and will be missed. I’m sure a few of you can help me out in the comments.

But yeah. Your Michael Jackson jokes are needed less now than ever.

But I just called his son Napkin. Get it? Because it’s really Blanket! That’s funny.

No. Wait.  OK, just a little.

I’m offended at your moronic article.  Michael was a creepy guy. His death won’t change that.  And to tell me I can’t say that is stupid.

You can’t wait a bit?  I mean, he just died.  You really think people are looking to harvest your insight on the negative elements of Michael Jackson’s life?

Exactly.

Just read this. Sign below stating that you’ve completed your course on how to appreciate Michael Jackson.

Thank you.

P.S. Is it magnanimous?  I feel like it’s magnanimous.

—–

Offended by my personality?  Shower me with your tweet-hate.


  • This rules.

    Thriller!

  • Khayyam

    Today is Friday… and I don’t roll Twitter on Friday. Otherwise I’d retweet the shit out of this article. Really, I would. Really. No, I’m not lying… ask anyone. I’d RT anything!!

    But I would like to take a moment and bow my head in silence and revere the Gloved One for the inspiration to dance, feel rhythm and showing me how to grab my crotch properly.

    I will have forever immortalized your moonwalk in high school to pathetically attempt to get to 3rd base. Little did I know… a little “Remember the Time” got my around the park and back again.

    Thanks for all the memories, sweaty dance floor parties and for helping me get some.

    You’re the King and always will be.

    *hee hee*
    And this is where I grab my crotch correctly.

  • God

    This is one of your best blog posts yet. I sure am pretty awesome for having given you such a gift of snarkiness and wit. Oh, and mad MS Word skills.

  • Chad

    How do you know it’s time to go to bed at Michael Jackson’s house?

    When the big hand touches the little hand.

  • Moola

    I’ve never insulted MJ. He insulted me by being a pedophile!

  • Fab

    Magnanimous post!

    I hereby state my completion of the course on How To Appreciate Michael Jackson.

    Thank you. I’m a better person today.

    (I grew up with his music and I’m deeply saddened by his death)

  • OK. Music? 10 thumbs up. Crotch-grabbing? (TOO TOO TOO widely imitated) 10 thumbs down. Dancing? Absolutely amazing! His life? somehow sad and forlorn.

    He left the best part of himself behind for us. Thanks, MJ

  • Khayyam

    Hey Chad… you’re a real winner ain’t cha?! Seriously though. After your softball game with your ‘winning’ team of oglethorpes you are pretty funny. I’m sure you’re a great guy. But you’re a complete dumbass.

    You left a comment on a blog post that a gozillian people will read. And they’ll now know how much of a douchebag you are. But, shit… you’re funny. All your friends tell you this all the time. The same guys who you share Saturday night Penis Puppetry shows with. By the way, last weekend’s show was amazing! That thing you did with the chopsticks and the clothespin! Wow. That’s talent.

    Anywho… this is to put you on notice that everyone noticed how much of a tool you are. And to make special note to #followfriday @Chad_the_tremendendous_douchebag

    That’s my recommendation.

  • LilacDove

    Thanks for this letter to the haters, he was a
    legend & i will miss him for the rest of my life.
    R.I.P Forever the king of pop!

  • Chad

    Khayyam – You, sir, are the truly magnanimous one. Your comment FTW!

  • A great post, perhaps one of your best. I love how you say it as is. Yeah, we all know MJ had his freak issues, but what he accomplished in his 50 years has to be commended. The 70s Jackson Five was the first Jonas Brothers. The Off the Wall/Thriller years changed MTV (and the first true artist of color to go mainstream on MTV). He revolutionized the music industry and people like Justin, Usher, and others need to bow and kiss his feet every time they sell a single. Props to MJ. Amazing artist, a genius, Case closed.

  • please accept my love to MJ and his supporters. muahxxxx.

  • I agree with you 100%. I’ll be honest I’ve seen a few of the instaJokes.. and even chuckled for a sec, but there is a time and a place for everything my response was: http://twitter.com/uberdragon/status/2345284681

    I certainly recognize the humorous side, but there is plenty of time to get to that.

    Whether you loved his work or hated it, whether you believe in the rumors or not.. it doesn’t matter you simply cannot deny you knew it, saw it, heard it and so did everyone else.

    Right now it’s a time of morning for the World – you can start mixing your jokes in later.

  • Pooba~

    I have always loved MJ… and I think WE did it to him. Can you just imagine what it would be like when you wanted to FART in public? or had a bad hair day… EVERYone was always picking on him.

    HE WAS THEEEE GREATEST… better than ELVIS… better than the BEATLES… he wrote, danced, performed, sang… HE DID IT ALL !

    The only thing he DIDN’T do was molest children! AND that was the thing that brought him down… he so loved and believed in children. It was the pathetic adult $$$grubbing bastards that made their children lie and crush MJ’s spirit…

    Sure he was kinda weird… but wouldn’t you be IF you had all the $$$ in the world and all the fame…

    He just wanted to be loved – is that so wrong?!

    Love
    Poo~

  • Great post, thank you.
    MJ may have had his faults like everybody else, but he had a good heart, was an immense philantropist and generally tried to do good for those around him and for the world at large. His sudden death trully is the 9/11 of Pop Culture.

    This is indeed not the time to insult and criticize a man who just passed away.

    It is time to pay our respects and celebrate his talent and music.

    Long live the King.

  • He was a Legend. He will always be the best and most genius entertainer of all time. Thriller would go on to sell 102 million albums if this wasn’t true!!

    Thriller and Michael Jackson forever!

    Great read!

  • @Khayyam
    That was a fat load of wasted effort. Cliched jokes are boring at best and everyone’s heard the from Chad before. Or are you going to throw penis jokes at me too? At least you’re the adult right?

    —-

    Personally, I liked the music, didn’t care for the man, and certainly didn’t care for his decisions. MJ jokes couldn’t be more tired, but at this point so are the mourners.

  • Ted Soffel

    “3. You might not have understood him, but there’s no way you didn’t care”

    Or maybe there is a way I didn’t care. Like “I didn’t care”. Any more than you would have gotten yourself worked up into a frenzy had it been Garth Brooks, Yngwe Malmsteen or Alfred Brendel. It wasn’t my music. It didn’t affect my music. It didn’t shape my life.

    So I don’t have to care. And I can make jokes. Jokes are funny. Chad’s joke was funny, if not cutting edge. Here’s a topical one if that’s your thing:

    Q. What’s the difference between Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson?

    A. All the boys wanted to do Farrah. MJ wanted to do all the boys.

    Go ahead. Snicker to yourself, then sit down and type some self-righteous diatribe about how I’m a weenie. But the fact is, there are billions of people on this planet that don’t give a rat’s ass about the passing of the pedophile of pop.

    And so it goes…

  • Michael was watched by me since I was a little girl. I thought he was a cute boy. Growing up and watching him do the Moonwalk and everybody copy him brought a lot of fun to parties and dances. He inspired almost the whole music industry especially with his PR skills. He had his ups and definitely his downs but I will remember him for the fun we all had.

  • Nice post. Very nice. Witty. Funny. I used to always with my brother who was better: Prince or Michael Jackson. i was always on Prince’s side, but, damn, it was like picking the Sun or the Moon. You couldnt lose with either one. And now there is just one.

  • Jessie

    My thoughts go out to his family, but I won’t sit here and pretend the man’s on a pedestal. I don’t care if he cured AIDS, in my eyes, he had a rotten life outside of his music. If Charles Manson had also made incredible music, would he be less responsible for his actions?

  • Chris

    While I’m not saying the man was a saint, he was a great man. He will be missed very solemnly.We’ll miss you, Michael.

  • Actually, I was sent here by @copyblogger. Not because I insulted MJ. (I didn’t.) (I did write a post about him, but I think it’s pretty nice.) Probably just ‘cuz it’s a well-written post and he liked it.

    And because of Thriller, dude. Thriller.

  • I couldn’t agree with the premise of this post more. I took my shot at the douchebaggary occurring on Twitter last night: http://twitter.com/SEOAly/status/2335633678

    His music library is the soundtrack of a generation. His career spanned four decades and no one can dispute that his dedication and mastery of his craft literally changed the face of music forever.

    No one knows the truth about Michael Jackson’s personal life. What we do know is that his contributions to music and the entertainment industry as a whole are unmatched. I hope his soul is finally able to find peace. He’s finally free from the ridicule, self-loathing and undying scrutiny that ultimately destroyed him.

  • AudreyH

    Funny post, but it still doesn’t make me sad that he’s gone, nor respect how he ended up. I don’t care who he was and what he did. I wouldn’t care if he used to be a Pope or used to be as charitable as Mother Theresa. He abused children. No dance move or fingerless glove will change that…

  • Random Guy

    Hey AudreyH, You total DICK BRAIN. How in the world, (Let me repeat that again for you DICK BRAIN) ……. How in the WORLD do you know that he abused children? HOW? Atleast tell us that instead of GUESSING or beleiving EVERYTHING you hear. You saying that he abuse Children is like saying, that George Bush helped America. MMM did he now ????

    Wake up DICK BRAIN !!!!!

  • Random Guy

    Oh and incase you think that was insulting, not the DICK BRAIN part, obviously that’s a compliment for someone with such a big DICK BRAIN as yours. i was talking about the way you assume things. Do you not use your brain when you talk or do you have that BRAIN of yours stuck up that HAIRY ASS of yours. Maybe it’s not hairy, it’s shaved to make it easier to have it shoved up there???? We’ll never know will we.

    Oh let me guess now that we’re guessing and assuming things right? You shanve it to let EVERY HAIRY BIG DICK HAIRY TRUCKER HILLBILLY shove it right UP your shaved ass. If only they’d take that DICK BRAIN of yours and shove it up there too.

    PS: AND LEAVE IT THERE TO ROT with the rest of the dicks that your ass has taken. How about THAT for a JUST a little bit of a taste of insults ????????

    You had it coming AudreyH or is that Andrew cuz really your a guy BUT STILL love it up your ass ?!?!??

  • fredbuhl

    I never knew Michael Jackson, but I wish I had. I experienced his music and his songs. I’ll Be There is a beautiful song. Thriller changed my life. Michael seemed complex and sensitive. He was a musical genius and an icon. His childhood was lost to him. He was human. He made mistakes. He touched the lives of millions, and gave us all he had. Though I never knew him, I feel as though I did. He was my friend, and he shall be sorely missed.

  • MV

    This is painfully brilliant! Thanks for articulating my thoughts in a coherent and witty way 🙂

    The man, however troubled from the get-go to the bitter end, was an icon and the music world, no, the world of entertainment, will NEVER see a force like him again.

    God bless! Hopefully he can finally find peace.

  • godless

    This is pretty funny and damn true. The great thing about art is that you remember what you were doing when you see/hear it. I snorted coke off the dashboard of a Rolls Royce to Billy Jean is not my lover. Someone try to top that memory.

  • badblokebob

    I have a burning desire to collect all the really funny jokes that were posted on twitter last night and post them here. But I’ve already wasted enough time reading the article.

    Everyone deals with grief in different ways. Some do it by making jokes (not all the jokes are really insulting, y’know). Others do it by getting on their horse and regurgitating sentiment that’s been playing non-stop on rolling news channels.

  • badblokebob

    (That should’ve been “getting on their high horse”, obviously. Getting on a horse to post something on the Internet would just be silly.)

  • I love you.

  • AudreyH

    Sorry “Random Guy” if I offended you, but to each his/her own. I was just sharing an opinion. At least I didn’t have to resort to middle school insults and had the guts to post a name. ; )

  • Anonymous

    Ok, look. If I was a child and was in some weird situation where I *had* to get molested, and for some reason I had the opportunity to choose the molester, I have to say I’d pick MJ.

    Not that I’d choose to get molested if I didn’t have to, but if I did, then that would be my choice.

    How many MJ haters out there can say that they would be the child molester of choice if a child had to choose? None. That’s right.

    Just saying.

    Good entry, man.

  • Anonymous

    P.S. Hi Chisa. Fancy seeing you here. -J

  • I hereby heartily apologize for the lame, postmortem Jacko joke video I posted here.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7Abvyfy50k

    And to prove how sorry I am, I’m leaving it up until everybody everywhere sees it. That’s pretty sorry.

    And your MS Word Kung Fu is most impressive. I’m still learning to spell check. -bd

  • sycobuny

    I appreciate that you’re a fan, but where’s the open letter to the people who *insulted* Michael Jackson? You know, the “Jacko’s nose fell off again” tripe that was popular when he still had a pulse.

    I’d be willing to bet at least a few of the frothing fans posting comments here, overflowing with their adulation, have snickered at “Blanket” their fair share. I made a few jokes at his expense myself, months/years ago. The fact that they stopped being funny then stays true now, and that’s why I still haven’t yet. That he is dead doesn’t revitalize the humor for me. It wouldn’t destroy the comedy value though, were there any left. If death is holy to you then fine, but don’t presume to force it on others.

    I consider him to have been a very unlucky person, was cursed as he was with such fame and such a two-faced fan base that kicked him while he was down and praises him now that that he’s gone. I was never among his fans; I thought his music was good but not awe-inspiring or world-changing (to me). He had problems caused largely by your “support,” and suffered for his talent. I guess I should consider myself lucky, because I didn’t get lead into thinking my mockery of his misery of a life-after-stardom was made OK by my two-line post mortem support.

  • Phanamanon

    He was a bad person, end of story. Only bad people molest children. I care not if his art was the most fantastic shit ever. I was sad when Farrah Fawcett died. She was a beautiful classy lady. She bravely shared her experience with cancer and finally death. Get over yourself asshole. Just because you have an attachment to a pedophile doesn’t mean he was anything more. He dangled his own son, dangerously, over a deadly fall. For what? Media attention. He bought two children off of some crazy woman. And yes we all know that two white children couldn’t possibly be his.

    Let’s take a tally. He molested several little boys. He endangered his own infant son for publicity. He bought two children. What a nice guy right?!?!

    Stop being so juvenile, good music and clever dancing do not make you a good person. They make you a talented person, but many people have talents. Hitler was an amazing public speaker and painter. Charles Manson wrote songs too, songs that were later covered by Guns ‘n’ Roses and Marilyn Manson. Napoleon pushed for the Metric system. Genghis Khan organized the Silk Road. You can say good things about all of these people. Does that mean you should absolve them?

  • Anonymous

    @Phanamanononamaon:

    Fortunately, he didn’t molest any children.

  • Anonymous

    BTW I’m gonna rape ur kids in da butt.

  • thanks for a nicely written article 🙂

    Here’s one I saw on an anonymous blog post- Other people’s lives- also another interesting perspective

  • it would have helped if I’d pasted the link! oops!
    🙂

    http://thelivesofothers.wordpress.com/

  • Great post on the Great one. Even through all the nuttiness he did some awesome stuff. Think we need to respect that and remember him for the awesome stuff he did.

  • Warren

    I never insulted Jacko except in the same way that will happen anyway with any celeb death – Making Jokes, Which is more whats been done with this blog – But its worth it.

    Jacko was amazing – TRUE! The jokes will come thick and fast because of his fame… TRUE! I will stop passing them on… FALSE! It par for the course in the world of celebrity…

    HOWEVER – As so often before, THE MEDIA are turning a LEGEND into a PARODY! ENOUGH WITH THE NEWS COVERAGE ALREADY! UNLESS YOU FIND EVIDENCE HE WAS MURDERED – LET HIM REST IN PEACE (Or Pieces as the jokes will go…)

    Long live the king of pop… Now Media, respect his family and lay the hell off as they have asked you too!

  • Simon

    He shall be missed. We also missed his nose.

  • hilorik

    I always thought MJ was just misunderstood; despite all those horrible allegations against him. It was probably due to the abuse he faced from his father as a child and any child who can endure that must have some scars left over from it. I just hope his children aren’t

  • Graham

    Obviously jacko has touched you in a “very special way”

  • Anonymous Coward

    6. He molested children

    … wait