An Open Letter To Those Who Insult Michael Jackson

Hi.

You’ve been sent here in one of two ways.

One. You read the headline and said to yourself: yeah dumb people who insult Michael Jackson! Shame on you for being such dolts. He was a magnana…he was a mangninama…he was that word that sounds cool and means he’s awesome.

Two. You’re someone who just insulted Michael Jackson and a friend wants to punish you.

With my electronical wrath.

It’s okay if you insulted him. Everyone is dopey once in a while. I mean I’m a big fat dope sometimes too! Remember when Farrah Fawcett died?

I know right?

Seems like so long ago.

Farrah Fawcett fans are probably like, yeah thanks. The same day? That’s the lottery we wanted to win.

As soon as I found out about Farrah Fawcett, I immediately informed my girlfriend. I told her Sarah Fawcett died. The chick from I Dream Of Genie.

Also, she wasn’t really my girlfriend.

Just a fat chick standing in line at the ATM.

Michael Jackson has died. That’s devastating . It really is. I’m going to explain why in a few quick bullet points. Clearly, you need to be educated.

Whatever. I don’t need music lessons from some dude with a shitty blog. I can say whatever I want about him.

Really? Because that’s hurtful. You don’t think I know it’s a shitty blog? I designed it in Microsoft Word, dude. The lesson is simple. Michael Jackson was an icon. He did more for the world of music than you’ll ever do for the world of douchebaggyness.

Although you might surprise me.

Reasons why Michael Jackson was amazing and why you’re a dummy for insulting him.

1. He was so talented, even as a kid.

At five years old, the dude had more talent than I’ll ever have in my entire life. At five. When I was five, I was just walking around trying not to pee all over myself. If I did that, it was a good day. If I didn’t? Well. Probably the reason why my mom told me maybe we’ll just keep with the diapers.

2. His celebrity and adoration were unfathomable.

At the apex of Michael’s career, heads of states wanted to meet him. Top artists imitated him. He was beloved by millions of people and still is today. Now think about how many people love you. You think the person who told you need to read this article really does?

Yeah.

No.

3. You might not have understood him, but there’s no way you didn’t care.

Look, you think I understood the guy? No way. He was all eccentric and nutty, sure. But it was that element of him that made him interesting. But not just interesting in the way where you fart in front of your buddy and he’s like, “hey that’s a startling and interesting odor, dude. Egg McMuffin right?”

Greater than that.

Deeper than that.

He was captivating. He compelled you to pay attention. He held a profound mystique about him that we still won’t understand.

It’s why I called his death the 9/11 of Pop Culture.

And even during all this, you made fun of the guy.

Wow.

Way to class it up.

4. Thriller.

Really? I have to write something here?

Thriller dude.

Thriller.

5. He Popularized The Moonwalk.

I’m a horrible dancer. I was actually told to leave salsa class by my instructor Hugo who was a huge pain in the ass. Hugo was like four apples high, but he spoke in that Brazilian accent that instantly made chicks want to jump him. Also he could dance exceptionally well. Meanwhile I’m standing there trying to perfect the first step, all creepy and terroristy-looking.

No chicks are looking for that.

So I know how hard it is to dance. Michael Jackson could not only dance, but he popularized a dance nobody can really do that well. He’s like Hugo. Times a million.

Taller.

And less of a douche.

Hugo, if you’re reading this:

Thanks for making me cry.

——

Those are just five of the hundreds of reasons Michael Jackson was amazing and will be missed. I’m sure a few of you can help me out in the comments.

But yeah. Your Michael Jackson jokes are needed less now than ever.

But I just called his son Napkin. Get it? Because it’s really Blanket! That’s funny.

No. Wait.  OK, just a little.

I’m offended at your moronic article.  Michael was a creepy guy. His death won’t change that.  And to tell me I can’t say that is stupid.

You can’t wait a bit?  I mean, he just died.  You really think people are looking to harvest your insight on the negative elements of Michael Jackson’s life?

Exactly.

Just read this. Sign below stating that you’ve completed your course on how to appreciate Michael Jackson.

Thank you.

P.S. Is it magnanimous?  I feel like it’s magnanimous.

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Offended by my personality?  Shower me with your tweet-hate.