An Open Letter To Those Who Insult Michael Jackson

michaeljackson

Hi.

You’ve been sent here in one of two ways.

One. You read the headline and said to yourself: yeah dumb people who insult Michael Jackson! Shame on you for being such dolts. He was a magnana…he was a mangninama…he was that word that sounds cool and means he’s awesome.

Two. You’re someone who just insulted Michael Jackson and a friend wants to punish you.

With my electronical wrath.

It’s okay if you insulted him. Everyone is dopey once in a while. I mean I’m a big fat dope sometimes too! Remember when Farrah Fawcett died?

I know right?

Seems like so long ago.

Farrah Fawcett fans are probably like, yeah thanks. The same day? That’s the lottery we wanted to win.

As soon as I found out about Farrah Fawcett, I immediately informed my girlfriend. I told her Sarah Fawcett died. The chick from I Dream Of Genie.

Also, she wasn’t really my girlfriend.

Just a fat chick standing in line at the ATM.

Michael Jackson has died. That’s devastating . It really is. I’m going to explain why in a few quick bullet points. Clearly, you need to be educated.

Whatever. I don’t need music lessons from some dude with a shitty blog. I can say whatever I want about him.

Really? Because that’s hurtful. You don’t think I know it’s a shitty blog? I designed it in Microsoft Word, dude. The lesson is simple. Michael Jackson was an icon. He did more for the world of music than you’ll ever do for the world of douchebaggyness.

Although you might surprise me.

Reasons why Michael Jackson was amazing and why you’re a dummy for insulting him.

1. He was so talented, even as a kid.

At five years old, the dude had more talent than I’ll ever have in my entire life. At five. When I was five, I was just walking around trying not to pee all over myself. If I did that, it was a good day. If I didn’t? Well. Probably the reason why my mom told me maybe we’ll just keep with the diapers.

2. His celebrity and adoration were unfathomable.

At the apex of Michael’s career, heads of states wanted to meet him. Top artists imitated him. He was beloved by millions of people and still is today. Now think about how many people love you. You think the person who told you need to read this article really does?

Yeah.

No.

3. You might not have understood him, but there’s no way you didn’t care.

Look, you think I understood the guy? No way. He was all eccentric and nutty, sure. But it was that element of him that made him interesting. But not just interesting in the way where you fart in front of your buddy and he’s like, “hey that’s a startling and interesting odor, dude. Egg McMuffin right?”

Greater than that.

Deeper than that.

He was captivating. He compelled you to pay attention. He held a profound mystique about him that we still won’t understand.

It’s why I called his death the 9/11 of Pop Culture.

And even during all this, you made fun of the guy.

Wow.

Way to class it up.

4. Thriller.

Really? I have to write something here?

Thriller dude.

Thriller.

5. He Popularized The Moonwalk.

I’m a horrible dancer. I was actually told to leave salsa class by my instructor Hugo who was a huge pain in the ass. Hugo was like four apples high, but he spoke in that Brazilian accent that instantly made chicks want to jump him. Also he could dance exceptionally well. Meanwhile I’m standing there trying to perfect the first step, all creepy and terroristy-looking.

No chicks are looking for that.

So I know how hard it is to dance. Michael Jackson could not only dance, but he popularized a dance nobody can really do that well. He’s like Hugo. Times a million.

Taller.

And less of a douche.

Hugo, if you’re reading this:

Thanks for making me cry.

——

Those are just five of the hundreds of reasons Michael Jackson was amazing and will be missed. I’m sure a few of you can help me out in the comments.

But yeah. Your Michael Jackson jokes are needed less now than ever.

But I just called his son Napkin. Get it? Because it’s really Blanket! That’s funny.

No. Wait.  OK, just a little.

I’m offended at your moronic article.  Michael was a creepy guy. His death won’t change that.  And to tell me I can’t say that is stupid.

You can’t wait a bit?  I mean, he just died.  You really think people are looking to harvest your insight on the negative elements of Michael Jackson’s life?

Exactly.

Just read this. Sign below stating that you’ve completed your course on how to appreciate Michael Jackson.

Thank you.

P.S. Is it magnanimous?  I feel like it’s magnanimous.

—–

Offended by my personality?  Shower me with your tweet-hate.


  • Thriller.
    Enough said.

  • Anonymous

    Regardless of how I feel about the situation at hand … I will not comment except to say that this posting was neither insightful nor educational. It wasn’t even funny.
    I’m actually a bit perturbed that I wasted my time reading it.

    aka sends …

  • aka

    didn’t mean to post the previous as anonymous …

  • Well who really cares what they say! MJ was a black man and we blacks have been insulted for centuries. In their hearts, the haters, mostly whites, know that MJ was a giant. He is the most well known man in the entire world. Selling 85 million dollars worth of tickets in hours! Who else could do this? My only regret is that he did not make more music. The outcome of this legend is rather small, Thriller, Bad, and Off the Wall, and a few other CDs. They used to compare MJ to Prince but once Thriller hit the streets MJ was never compared to anyone. Well we (the world) and future generations will remember MJ

  • Jim S

    Good Riddance to a worthless nigger. Too bad he didn’t take our muslim president with him as a bonus. God does get even with pedophiles and druggies like him.

  • Great job. He had issues. We all do – and when throwing stones, it’s easy to forget that. He’s lived his life in the harsh glare of an unrelenting spotlight since he was a child. That would be (and often is) enough to screw anyone up.

    He was a significant influence in many of our lives – I loved his music since the time I was 6 and he was 7 and singing and dancing for all of us. He was a musical genius, one of the most influential people in music – EVER.

    But, more than anything, it is unconscionably disrespectful to diss anyone after their death. A horrible person like Ted Bundy or Charles Manson, etc., THEY deserve disrespect, in life and in death. Someone like MJ deserves our respect.

    And by the way, he was accused, not convicted, of crimes. There is a difference. At least in the America that I know.

    Terrific job. Thank you for taking a much-needed stand.

  • Anonymous

    Face-bovvered?

  • Anonymous

    I don’t think I should have any more respect for him now he’s dead than I did while he was alive.
    He did some nobby things then, they’re still nobby now. He was human and fallible just like the rest of us. Hope his kids have a better life.

  • George

    Well written articles here and a great blog overall. But, if i was to read this without ever
    hearing Michael Jacksons music before i would think that your are writting about someone like Mozart. His music was a triumph of corporate pop and advertising industry that really shouldnt fascinate anyone over 12. Or less.

  • “Popularized the Moonwalk”? He invented it. Since Motown 25, anyone who has ever done the Moonwalk has been performing an homage to him. One of, if not the, greatest performer ever…

    PS – I really enjoy reading your blog

  • We just lost a great icon. He’ll surely be remembered forever.

  • My answer to this is here:
    http://low.cc/2ufWO

  • Tania

    TN great post as usual. However, I like it better when you don’t have so many weird/controversial/hater commenters…

    Love MJ’s music especially the early stuff. Brilliant. His dance moves really did make him the modern day Fred Astaire (even better than FA I think).

    I feel terrible that he had such a f’d up childhood (most at the hands of his father) and I think that had to make him a little weird… but just because someone’s dead it doesn’t make them a saint nor mean they’re above criticism or jokes (IMHO).

  • To all of the people who use Michael being an ACQUITTED pedophile as their excuse for ragging on him: His accuser just admitted to lying. Go kill yourself right now. And since you hate pedophiles so much, why don’t you make some jokes about Woody Allen (the weird dude who married his DAUGHTER) or Roman Polanski (the weird dude who DRUGGED and RAPED a 13 year old but was given a standing ovation at the Oscars a couple years ago).

  • Jazzy

    ymbtgi: before you correct someone, you should have your facts straight. the author of this blog got it right: mj popularized it. the moonwalk (or a variation of it) has been around since at least the 40’s. and jeffrey daniel (of shalimar fame) was paid to teach mj the moonwalk (aka backslide) in the early 80’s. youtube it if you don’t know better.

  • I explained it to my teen daughter this way: so you love Jonas Brothers. They grow up. The talented one leaves and does his own thing. You still love him. He gets even MORE super crazy popular on his own. He still has his health problems but keeps making music for you. People try to take advantage of him but he has grown up in this insular weird world of show business. He keeps pumping out hit records and lots of people keep getting rich off him. He has legal problems and personal problems.

    I asked her, would she still be a fan of that super-talented Jonas Brother?

    Her answer: yes.

  • P

    Michael Jackson was the greatest entertainer the world has ever known. I agree with your blog, all the nay sayers and have never stopped to LISTEN to his music. They need to show some respect, as if it was their love one that passed.

  • Anonymous

    Dude. Fawcett was not from “I Dream of Jeannie.” How old are you, anyway?

  • Billy-Jean from The Netherlands

    really, otherwise I would have typed Billie-Jean wouldn’t I.

    This is the first thing I have read that’s made me smile somehow after MJ’s death, rather than all the lame jokes. (never funny to me anyway) so there you go dear Blogger

  • H~

    Yes this was funny but can you not think of another word for douche and douchebag? I mean just to make your writing better than it already is try expanding your vocabulary. I’m sure your smart enough to think of far better and more poignant insults you could throw at your audience who insulted MJ.

    And hmmmmmm insulting those who insulted. Isn’t that like the death penalty for murderers? I’m just saying. (What I’m saying I don’t actually know. I just like to say I’m just saying.)

    Anyway, I loved the points you made. They were all quite valid. And not that you care, but I didn’t insult MJ after he died. Although living in London, I did post/tweet that I had MJ tickets for sale before his death was completely confirmed. That was probably really off colour, but I was shocked and sad (didn’t really have tickets though). Oh and that brings me to another point. People have a screwy way of expressing grief sometimes. Maybe some people need to insult to express grief. I’m just saying (again I’m not sure exactly what or what “I’m just saying” means)

    So to sum up (in case you skipped over this blithering comment to the end) in bullet points.

    1. Less use of the word douche or variation of that would have made this better.

    2. Isn’t insulting those who insulted kind of like the death penalty for murderers?

    3. Great post overall with very valid points (Thriller dude)

    4. People have a screwy way of expressing grief sometimes

    I’m just saying…

  • Fried gold, my friend. And I don’t even like Michael Jackson.

  • mb

    Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven.

    She met God and he granted her one wish.

    She asked for all the children in the world to be safe.

    So he killed Micheal Jackson.

  • mb

    couldn’t resist . . . btw love your shitty blog 🙂

  • Nida

    He may be talented, but he still molested kids. (allegedly… most likely)

    No matter how much talent he had. No matter how much positivity he brought to the world. No matter how many reasons you state, he will still go down in many people's book as a child molester. There's just no way around that.

    Plus, he makes for great jokes. wanna hear one?

    • tman09h

      no he went down in your book as a molester and u r so selfish that u still accuse him of that after he helped all of those disabled hungry and homeless children and u give it a sick purpose have fun lookin up from hell

  • jtnpham

    nida.. honestly?! i think you need to put the SHUT to the UP :DDD

  • Nida… putting the “ASS” in “CLASS” since 2009

  • OrrjdlkLauren

    Woo this is a nice blog, i would love to read more.

    respect
    jaine
    ______________________________________________
    aion kinha | aion kina

  • Name

    hell

  • THIS IS AWESOME. I LOVE IT. and sooooooo true 🙂

  • This is great, asshole at the bottom, no he didn't, fuck off , I'm sure you know nothing about it, just the shit you read in the tabloids

  • tman09h

    you r right mj did more for the musical industry the world and influenced so many people when i hear a mean and nasty joke about him i want to reach down their throats pull out their stomachs and slap them with it but that is just my opinion

  • jesika

    Loved him and the memories he created for me and my family.

  • On the one year anniversary of Micheal's death, I have written a post on my own website and have linked to this post on your site…I think it truly says it all. Thank you for writing what needed to be said.

  • Fans of pop legend Michael Jackson will soon be able to step into his shoes (and sequined socks) and hit the virtual dancefloor with the release of ‘Michael Jackson: The Experience,’ a new videogame from Ubisoft. It’ll be lively.

  • KayNay

    He was THE KING.

    And anyone who thinks he's a child molester is full of bullshit. Michael Jackson can't even hurt a bug. LITERALLY.

  • Hippo2011
  • Pi_1234

    i love you michael!~~~~?

  • You’re someone who just insulted Michael Jackson and a friend wants to punish you.

  • You’re someone who just insulted Michael Jackson and a friend wants to punish you.