While Perez Hilton Tweeted For Help, These 4 People Called 911.

I wanted to violate this image using photoshop, but your imagination is much more lethal.

I wanted to violate this image using photoshop, but your imagination is much more lethal.

If you want to nosedive into a sea of stupidity, just tweet for help after being assaulted.

Perez Hilton?

Swimming in stupid.

He was allegedly punched in the head-hole by another irrelevant dude during an altercation in Toronto.  Now, I couldn’t care less about mildly retarded individuals punching each other out.

In fact, I encourage it.

But I don’t want this incident to lead to an avalanche of dumb celebrities ‘tweeting’ their emergencies.

Imagine how that would ruin the news.

Breaking! Puff Daddy has tweeted that his Bentley is blocked in by a local area man driving a shitty Buick.  See pages 1-4 for full coverage.  Looking for Iran election coverage?  Maybe next week.

So here are four individuals that actually called the authorities instead of tweeting the news and basking in a shower of attention from pre-teen dolts who have to do it for them.

1. A Four Year-Old Boy.

Meet TJ.  He’s four.  One day, TJ’s mom collapsed on the floor.  Alert, TJ called 911 and informed authorities that his mother was ill.  They rushed over.  TJ is a hero.

Four, dude.


2. A Dog.  And Not Even Like One Of Those Super Smart Dogs Blind People Have.

Here’s Faith.  She’s a 4 year-old Rottweiler who jumped into action when her owner fell out of her wheelchair.  Faith persistently barked into the telephonic device until authorities came to her aid.

A dog, dude.

A dog.

3. A Cat.  Really.  A Shithead Cat.

Several of you know how much I can’t stand cats.  I hate lolcats.  And yet, every time I link it, more people click on lolcats than anything else on my entire page.  The Times of London did a piece on this blog.  The Times of fucking London, people!  I link that, nobody cares.  Yet, every single time I link lolcats, hundreds of you yentas click on it and never come back to my site.


Sorry.  Don’t leave me.

You’re all I have.

But yes. A cat dialed 911 to help an owner who had fallen from his wheelchair.  Apparently, the cat received training in calling 911 several years before.

Where’s the picture of that cat dialing 911 while his owner is coarsely wheezing on the brink of a horribly painful cardiac arrest?

Lolcat that shit.

4. A Chick Who Was Pissed Off That McDonald’s Ran Out Of Chicken McNuggets.

Together, we have quickly slid down the intelligence slide.

Welcome to the gravel where you scrape your knee.

We have arrived at an individual who was so angry that McDonald’s did not have the appropriate amount of McNuggets to fill her order that she called 911 three times.

Re-read that above sentence.  Re-read it, swish it around in your mouth, savour the taste of ripe, full stupidity and finally digest it.

Now remember Perez Hilton?

Dumber than that.


Sunday night, as the Iran protests continued.  As wars were fought abroad.  As I battled whether I should watch my TiVod episode of The Simpsons or a re-run of Entourage.

Perez Hilton did something more important.

He was involved in a fight the police didn’t give a shit about.

So he tweeted it.  And implored the world to call 911 for him.

And cemented himself as possibly the biggest douchebag in the world.

Now if you’ll excuse me.

I have to move my shitty Buick that’s blocking a Bentley.


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