While Perez Hilton Tweeted For Help, These 4 People Called 911.

I wanted to violate this image using photoshop, but your imagination is much more lethal.

I wanted to violate this image using photoshop, but your imagination is much more lethal.

If you want to nosedive into a sea of stupidity, just tweet for help after being assaulted.

Perez Hilton?

Swimming in stupid.

He was allegedly punched in the head-hole by another irrelevant dude during an altercation in Toronto.  Now, I couldn’t care less about mildly retarded individuals punching each other out.

In fact, I encourage it.

But I don’t want this incident to lead to an avalanche of dumb celebrities ‘tweeting’ their emergencies.

Imagine how that would ruin the news.

Breaking! Puff Daddy has tweeted that his Bentley is blocked in by a local area man driving a shitty Buick.  See pages 1-4 for full coverage.  Looking for Iran election coverage?  Maybe next week.

So here are four individuals that actually called the authorities instead of tweeting the news and basking in a shower of attention from pre-teen dolts who have to do it for them.

1. A Four Year-Old Boy.

Meet TJ.  He’s four.  One day, TJ’s mom collapsed on the floor.  Alert, TJ called 911 and informed authorities that his mother was ill.  They rushed over.  TJ is a hero.

Four, dude.


2. A Dog.  And Not Even Like One Of Those Super Smart Dogs Blind People Have.

Here’s Faith.  She’s a 4 year-old Rottweiler who jumped into action when her owner fell out of her wheelchair.  Faith persistently barked into the telephonic device until authorities came to her aid.

A dog, dude.

A dog.

3. A Cat.  Really.  A Shithead Cat.

Several of you know how much I can’t stand cats.  I hate lolcats.  And yet, every time I link it, more people click on lolcats than anything else on my entire page.  The Times of London did a piece on this blog.  The Times of fucking London, people!  I link that, nobody cares.  Yet, every single time I link lolcats, hundreds of you yentas click on it and never come back to my site.


Sorry.  Don’t leave me.

You’re all I have.

But yes. A cat dialed 911 to help an owner who had fallen from his wheelchair.  Apparently, the cat received training in calling 911 several years before.

Where’s the picture of that cat dialing 911 while his owner is coarsely wheezing on the brink of a horribly painful cardiac arrest?

Lolcat that shit.

4. A Chick Who Was Pissed Off That McDonald’s Ran Out Of Chicken McNuggets.

Together, we have quickly slid down the intelligence slide.

Welcome to the gravel where you scrape your knee.

We have arrived at an individual who was so angry that McDonald’s did not have the appropriate amount of McNuggets to fill her order that she called 911 three times.

Re-read that above sentence.  Re-read it, swish it around in your mouth, savour the taste of ripe, full stupidity and finally digest it.

Now remember Perez Hilton?

Dumber than that.


Sunday night, as the Iran protests continued.  As wars were fought abroad.  As I battled whether I should watch my TiVod episode of The Simpsons or a re-run of Entourage.

Perez Hilton did something more important.

He was involved in a fight the police didn’t give a shit about.

So he tweeted it.  And implored the world to call 911 for him.

And cemented himself as possibly the biggest douchebag in the world.

Now if you’ll excuse me.

I have to move my shitty Buick that’s blocking a Bentley.


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  • I was there with you until I read a CAT dial 911… really? I can believe a dog, but a cat?? I dunno 🙂

  • Joe

    Fair points, but you need to learn how to write.

  • Stephanie

    We should all aspire to someday reach the intellectual level of Perez Hilton. And if you’re really confident, perhaps even the intellectual level of the 911-dialing cat.

  • Joe

    And you, Stephanie, aspire to stupidity and idiocy. No, wait – you have achieved both.

  • Those talking about the cats, remember when De Niro said Mr. Jingles can’t flush the toilet.

    Isn’t Perez Hilton paparazzi? Why is this a story?

  • Funnels

    He looks like a fatter version of that shape shifting alien bounty hunter from The X-Files.

  • Perez deserves that. I hate him to death.

  • This story (though completely irrelevant) has so many gems. The biggest butt-pirate in the world calling Will I Am a ‘faggot’ and getting punched and Tweeting for help.

    I seriously could not make this up. Perez Hilton what a fucking tool!

    Too bad he didn’t get a worse ass kicking, he sure as fuck deserves it.

    Maybe now he’ll learn that if you are a complete tool and a bitch to everyone you meet, you get knocked the fuck out.

  • No one deserves to get the shit kicked out of them and furthermore the police are there for a reason. I believe it is to protect and to serve. No matter who the person is and no matter how gay or straight they may be or how annoying they seem to be, they deserve the respect when they call 911

  • Tania

    while violence is never the answer you gotta wonder about karma…

    TN – another hysterical post – thanks – I was stifling the guffaws in my office 🙂

  • …you so funny…

  • I wonder if Molina is wishing he had tore up Hilton’s face just a little more to make the legal fallout worth it. Yah, I think Karma just smacked a b@tch and it was applauded around the world.

  • you, my friend, are a genie. xx

  • oddly, I woke up around the time Perez started tweeting and being the doof that I am, checked Twitter to witness the mess while it was happening. I, being of sound mind and body, said “I would call the authorities rather than tweeting about this shit”… yeah. Maybe if I were more insane like Perez I’d be a freakin’ douchebag millionaire too.
    Brilliant and TREMENDOUS. You rock.

  • Donna K

    Good post. I cracked up!

  • tom

    Wasn’t the nuggets chick annoyed not just that they couldn’t fill her order, but that they refused to return her money when she wanted to cancel the order? They wanted her to order something else and refused to refund her.

    Calling 3 times was ridiculous, but it was a little more than just “We’re out of nuggets”.

  • punch_perez

    This article is inspiring to me to keep on my life’s goal to punch Perez Hilton in the head check my progress on twitter punch_perez

  • P

    I can’t figure out what part of his loser-escapade is worse. Tweeting for help and calling 911, claiming that Will i am “followed” him to the same hotel they were all staying at, or the fact that he doesn’t realize that when to talk shit you get your ass whipped? I’ll go with all of the above and them some. He deserves another punch.

  • You had me laughing so hard! Thank you for pointing out the gross stupidity that is Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr. (Perez)

  • ender.wiggin

    Fucking Ace blogging, ted.

    Serious comedy gold!

  • GM

    his ‘cry for help’ started when he was 3 and thought- ‘shit- this is me- like, forever dude’.

  • Oh, you surely knew I would have to leave my shitty two cents about this ridiculous crap. This asshat has about enough shit on his head to cover his darling pink wig … They must have let him hose it off before taking the brutality pics!

    Just so that it is clear, I will never hit this man (man?) in the face … but if I was there, I sure would have been cheering on the crowd who was! This miserable pile of chicken dung has about as much value to the human race as the stuff making my cucumbers grow so nicely.

    Below is just a sample of what I really felt when this crap came out. I hope that you will read and enjoy each tweet. Surely if this antagonistic creep has his bell rung like that enough times he will settle down and find true love in his equally whacked mortal enemy, Fred Phelps. Perhaps they can both come to terms with their fucked-upness and piss off the rest of us totally failed jackasses who do not grasp their oh-so-important messages of hate.

    O.K. Here are my tweets. I await your hate. Just tweet it over to @murnahan, but do not ask me to call the police, or you get more of this!

    How to be an antagonistic and rude twit like @PerezHilton: Use Twitter to call the police?!

    Oh no! They broke my 911 finger! All I have left are the fingers to tweet this! http://bit.ly/R2Zx0 @PerezHilton

    Quick! Twitter help me … I was #assaulted and they broke my dialing finger! @PerezHilton

    Oh PLEASE Twitter … they insulted my outfit! http://bit.ly/MrkBg (expand) @PerezHilton #assaulted

    OMG! Security is here … but why are they are beating me up?! @PerezHilton #assaulted

    I was assaulted and my attorney says to call the police. http://bit.ly/R2Zx0 @PerezHilton #assaulted Can’t somebody do this for me?

    WTH! I yelled for help, but they said only dogs could hear it?! @PerezHilton #assaulted

  • first time I have ever actually seen the dude. Nice black eye, though. BTW – cats ARE smart and what’s the link that everyone leaves you for, to go look at cats? LOL

  • If you would have read the whole story, he said he called 911 before he tweeted.
    Just so you know.

    But it’s okay, everybody has their stupid moments.

  • Chad

    Dude. How is the lady supposed to feed her family if they don’t give her enough chicken mcnuggets? That was obviously an emergency, much like the Popeye’s fiasco in Minnesota.

  • nomatophobic

    Doesn’t this shit tend to go in 3’s? Clay Aiken calls Adam Lambert a bad singer, Perez Hilton gets punched in the face by whatshisname. Gayest and bitchiest cat fights ever.
    Wonder who the next ‘walk off’ contenders will be. My money is on Broody McPouty from Twilight and some other equally terrible pop culture figure.

  • Zander

    Adam Lambert IS a bad singer. Hilton needed a punch in the face. #3 will be just as brutally honest.

  • Anonymous

    Why you has no luv for kitteh? Lolcat luvvv u!!!111!! Lolcat iz likie to punch Perez an smoosh face eehehehe

  • I’ve never heard of anyone calling 911 BEFORE
    eating mcdonald’s mcnuggets. That usually comes just afterwards, with the vomiting. Strange.

  • Rob

    Parasite Hilton forgot to tell everybody in his rant that he had been harassing Fergie of the BEP’s in several of scandal blogs of the past several days, leading up to the Polo Molina TKO haymaker to Parasite’s pouty puss kisser. Apparently, all of the BEP’s were ignoring Poopy’s requests to notice him. This blight on the USA is now suing Polo for the haymaker that caused Parasite to seek a transfusion for the blood he lost (not) and the incredible disappearing blackeye. The most recent pic of his mug shows a scratch. Yep, a scratch that Lady Gaga could have laid on him. Parasite might as well screamed “Will I Am was mean to me.” It makes any kid throwing a tantrum look smart in comparison.

  • Wao.. as usual great insight and thoughts.. @murnahan ur example is hilarious .. even used hashtags O_o LOL! Had to agree with this 2 dude..

  • if Perez (Mario) got any kind of beat down, then i think most people would admit that he had it coming

  • Tony

    Violence is NEVER the answer. Except this time. I vote to name June 22nd “Punch Perez Hilton in the Head Day”.

    I have the strangest craving for chicken McNuggets right now….

  • Hurrah for this news. He should have learned his lesson. Payback time hilton!

  • I recall a news story maybe 7 years ago where someone got such a bad haircut they called the police.

    I’m never gonna let that happen to me.


  • ROFL very funny

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  • You know you've reached the bottom of the scale when a cat is more proactive than you are.

  • Hippo2011
  • He was involved in a fight the police didn’t give a shit about.

  • He was involved in a fight the police didn’t give a shit about.