The 5 Situations Where Guys Are Allowed To Cry.

Its always gotta be about you, doesnt it? Way to ruin a perfectly good evening. Ass.

The world has become metrosexual.

Guys are exalted for being sensitive.  For being empathetic.  For showing emoticons.

Whatever.

As many of you know, I’m a man’s man.  I wrestle elk in my boxer-briefs and dropkick sea gulls.  Then I watch NASCAR in a mustard-stained undershirt with cigarette burn-holes.

You know what?  I’m not sure what I just described there, but you get the picture.

I’m macho to the nines.

Men, these are the five times you’re allowed to cry.  Any time else, and you probably own a uterus.

How many hate mailings do you think you’ll get after this post that describe you as a myso…miso…misogom– you know the word that means you hate chicks?  That word.

Probably seven.

But fuck’em.

Here are the five situations where guys are allowed to cry.

1. After Severe Head Trauma.

I once saw a guy cross the street where he was hit by a car.

A Neon.

He hit the pavement, head-first and went into some type of alarming convulsion.

A Neon.

Remember Neons?  Those cars were hilarious!  All tiny and girlish.  With that neon stripe down the side.  Yeah.  Good job on the stripe.  That’s cool.

After I completed my hilarious analysis of one of the auto industry’s biggest mistakes, the guy was already in a stretcher.

But I noticed he was crying.

I asked a fellow onlooker who informed me that during severe head trauma, your eye ducts will sometimes liquidate.  So it’s not like you’re actually crying.  You have no control over it.

So guys, if you lose control of your eye ducts, that’s totally cool.

Better than your bowels.

Ha!

Neon.

2. If One Of Your Ex-Gilrfriends Performs A Non-Medical Procedure On Your Genitals.

Suppose you’re not as faithful as you should be.

You’re just innocently walking down the street.

Slip.

Fall.

End up banging a Peruvian exchange student.

Happens.

But then your current girlfriend finds out and as you’re sleeping, she tries to marry your vas deferens to industrial pliers.

Cry.

Cry the fuck out.

Farewell, fallen hero.

3. At The End of the Original Cartoon Transformers Movie Where Optimus Prime Dies.

I remember when I was just six years old, my dad was forced by my mom to take me to the Transformers movie.  At the end of that cinematic triumph, Optimus Prime, the leader of the Autobots, dies.  This is the first time someone important to me died.  It was devastating.

So I cried.

And as I waddled my severely obese body out of the theater with popcorn butter distributed evenly across three of my four chins, I couldn’t stop crying.  My dad, embarrassed by me, asked: “If I took you to McDonald’s would you shut up already?”

I said yes.

But I cried into my Happy Meal.

Happy Meals.

Happy Meals and Burger King on the way home.

4. When Your Lawyer Tells You She Gets Almost Everything and Ends With, “Oh Yeah. About My Invoices…”

He’s doing it at dinner isn’t he?

An expensive dinner where he’s breaking the news to you that:

• You’re divorced and 51
• She even took that one shithead cat you don’t like but still.  I mean still.  Really?  The shithead cat?  She couldn’t leave that?
• That you owe his firm thousands and thousands of dollars.

Oh, you know the bill for dinner?

It’s buried in his invoice.

5. When You Have To Google Search The Word “Catheter” Because One Of Them Will Soon Be In You.

Dont worry!

I’ll do it for you.

Here’s the wikipedia definition of what a catheter is.

a tube that can be inserted into a body cavity, duct or vessel. Catheters thereby allow drainage, injection of fluids or access by surgical instruments

OK.  Here’s how it’s used.

The catheter is guided gently into the opening in the end of the penis. It should go fairly easily for the first six to twelve inches depending on the size of the recipient, and then it’s normal to encounter some resistance.

Go. Fairly easily for the first. Sizxxcfj inches of the pen—

Some. Resistance.

Some?

Sorry.  I can’t finish this part without crying.

I’ll be at McDonald’s.

Then Burger King.

Look at this, boys. Really look at it. Did you look at it? Now imagine it all inside your junk. Imagine. You're holding your groin and wincing right now, aren't you? It's OK. I am too.

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