The 5 Situations Where Guys Are Allowed To Cry.

Its always gotta be about you, doesnt it? Way to ruin a perfectly good evening.  Ass.

Its always gotta be about you, doesnt it? Way to ruin a perfectly good evening. Ass.

The world has become metrosexual.

Guys are exalted for being sensitive.  For being empathetic.  For showing emoticons.

Whatever.

As many of you know, I’m a man’s man.  I wrestle elk in my boxer-briefs and dropkick sea gulls.  Then I watch NASCAR in a mustard-stained undershirt with cigarette burn-holes.

You know what?  I’m not sure what I just described there, but you get the picture.

I’m macho to the nines.

Men, these are the five times you’re allowed to cry.  Any time else, and you probably own a uterus.

How many hate mailings do you think you’ll get after this post that describe you as a myso…miso…misogom– you know the word that means you hate chicks?  That word.

Probably seven.

But fuck’em.

Here are the five situations where guys are allowed to cry.

1. After Severe Head Trauma.

I once saw a guy cross the street where he was hit by a car.

A Neon.

He hit the pavement, head-first and went into some type of alarming convulsion.

A Neon.

Remember Neons?  Those cars were hilarious!  All tiny and girlish.  With that neon stripe down the side.  Yeah.  Good job on the stripe.  That’s cool.

After I completed my hilarious analysis of one of the auto industry’s biggest mistakes, the guy was already in a stretcher.

But I noticed he was crying.

I asked a fellow onlooker who informed me that during severe head trauma, your eye ducts will sometimes liquidate.  So it’s not like you’re actually crying.  You have no control over it.

So guys, if you lose control of your eye ducts, that’s totally cool.

Better than your bowels.

Ha!

Neon.

2. If One Of Your Ex-Gilrfriends Performs A Non-Medical Procedure On Your Genitals.

Suppose you’re not as faithful as you should be.

You’re just innocently walking down the street.

Slip.

Fall.

End up banging a Peruvian exchange student.

Happens.

But then your current girlfriend finds out and as you’re sleeping, she tries to marry your vas deferens to industrial pliers.

Cry.

Cry the fuck out.

Farewell, fallen hero.

Farewell, fallen hero.

3. During  the Original Cartoon Transformers Movie Where Optimus Prime Dies.

I remember when I was just six years old, my dad was forced by my mom to take me to the Transformers movie.  During this cinematic triumph, Optimus Prime, the leader of the Autobots, dies.  This is the first time someone important to me died.  It was devastating.

So I cried.

And as I waddled my severely obese body out of the theater with popcorn butter distributed evenly across three of my four chins, I couldn’t stop crying.  My dad, embarrassed by me, asked: “If I took you to McDonald’s would you shut up already?”

I said yes.

But I cried into my Happy Meal.

Happy Meals.

Happy Meals and Burger King on the way home.

4. When Your Lawyer Tells You She Gets Almost Everything and Ends With, “Oh Yeah. About My Invoices…”

He’s doing it at dinner isn’t he?

An expensive dinner where he’s breaking the news to you that:

  • You’re divorced and 51
  • She even took that one shithead cat you don’t like but still.  I mean still.  Really?  The shithead cat?  She couldn’t leave that?
  • That you owe his firm thousands and thousands of dollars.

Oh, you know the bill for dinner?

It’s buried in his invoice.

5. When You Have To Google Search The Word “Catheter” Because One Of Them Will Soon Be In You.

Dont worry!

I’ll do it for you.

Here’s the wikipedia definition of what a catheter is.

a tube that can be inserted into a body cavity, duct or vessel. Catheters thereby allow drainage, injection of fluids or access by surgical instruments

OK.  Here’s how it’s used.

The catheter is guided gently into the opening in the end of the penis. It should go fairly easily for the first six to twelve inches depending on the size of the recipient, and then it’s normal to encounter some resistance.

Go. Fairly easily for the first. Sizxxcfj inches of the pen—

Some. Resistance.

Some?

Sorry.  I can’t finish this part without crying.

I’ll be at McDonald’s.

Then Burger King.

Look at this, boys.  Now imagine it all inside your junk. Youre holding yours and wincing right now, arent you?  Its okay. Its okay.  I am too.

Look at this, boys. Really look at it. Did you look at it? Now imagine it all inside your junk. Imagine. You're holding your groin and wincing right now, aren't you? It's OK. I am too.

—–

Hatemail here.

Twitterness here.

dee@tremendousnews.com


  • nomatophobic

    What a big softy you are. Here, take this tampon to soak up your tears, kitten.

    Catheter…pfftt. Try a specula and we’ll go watch ‘Beaches’ over a pint of Haagen Daaz together.

  • Anonymous

    re: How many hate mailings do you think you’ll get after this post that describe you as a myso…miso…misogom– you know the word that means you hate chicks? .. Miserable-git? [lol]

  • Mo Fo Jo

    Ma Dik To bigg fo dat catheter yo…

  • I don’t think that macho men use phrases like “to the nines” that sounds like something a woman would say who was in her prime during the 1920’s. 😀

  • megdalena

    And then I read the rest and now I’m laughing to tears. Hilarious stuff!

  • Alex

    This is a crazy stuff and I love it! Cry the fuck out! Haha!

  • Pretty sure Optimus dies pretty close to the beginning of the film, not at the end.

  • I’m a girl and even I winced at that last one…don’t know why…seemed like the thing to do.

    but yes…definitely allowed to cry for that one!

  • There is one that I would like to add, and hope for your acceptance. It is at the end of each episode of the television series “The Incredible Hulk” when David Banner walks down another lonely road and the song, “The Lonely Man” is playing. Here is a YouTube example: http://bit.ly/FtW9P Of course, I never cried to this, but I have a brother who did, and he is still pretty manly. He is at least manly enough to produce a lot of offspring, so I am proposing this on his behalf.

  • Good list. But I do have to point out that Optimus doesn’t die at the end of the movie. He dies about twenty minutes in, setting up the battle for the matrix of leadership that propels the rest of the plot.

    Ahem… anyway. Yes, I am a geek.

  • Rene Lynch

    Genius. Thanks for the laugh.

  • I made all of the other boyscouts cry when I crushed them in the pinewood derby back in ’94. This was great stuff! thank you!

  • I super agree with the optimus prime. Haha! Your dad knows your weakness buddy! A happy meal from Mc Donalds!

  • James

    Optimus Prime died at the beginning of the original Transformers movie… I knew this article was too good to be true. Your lack of knowledge on the situation leads me to believe that you are actually a chick pretending to know what she’s talking about. That last sentence was redundant, I know, but still dude…Really?

  • Wow. I apologize for forgetting he died at the beginning. So I got it wrong by like 93 minutes. It was still sad, wasn’t it?

    You people have no heart-organ.

    Also, for those who emailed me and said I forgot “when Spock died”?

    No. No I didn’t.

  • Funny stuff, man! Very funny!

    Nicholas Z. Cardot
    http://www.sitesketch101.com

  • If you’ve never had an ex play doctor evil on your junk, can you substitute #2 with “men are allowed to cry when their favorite baseball team has a first baseman named Buckner”? Or should you play it safe an expect that #2 will happen in time?

  • Dude. Would you please write a post where you don’t drop the f-bomb and talk about your man parts so I can link it on my blog. I was hoping for a touching Father’s Day link cuz I got nothing for tomorrow.

  • Absolutely hilarious and spot on (even with the whole Transformers beginning/end thing). Although, I might have to add to the first one: nose punches. Because you can’t control your tear ducts when you get punched in the nose. And if you’re like me, and get into a lot of manly battles and fisticuffs, when you take one on the schnoz, your face will explode in tears and snot. But then again, if I were a real man, my cat-like reflexes would never allow me to be punched in the face.
    Whatever.

  • Stu

    How about on the day that Megan Fox gets married and therefore becomes officially unattainable? How about then? Yes?

  • If this makes you cry, try childbirth. Man, you guys are sissies!

  • I have not much time, but I've got many useful things here, love it!

  • sallyjanevictor

    Wait! You forgot sports movies with a doomed protagonist. Lou Gehrig. The football player with cancer. Old Yeller. (Okay, maybe not sports, but still…)

  • rob_399

    amusing. you seem to be getting back on track

  • Wow. I knew what a catheter was and where it goes, but I hadn't ever seen one before. Holy crap. Thanks for that horrifying after-school special.

  • anon

    catheters actually aren't all that painful. Some people enjoy using catheters (or catheter like things) for sexual pleasure (then again, you can say that for just about every thing ever made).

  • I was all buying the manly elk-wrestling NASCAR fan thing….then you say “to the nines”? My 86 year old grandma says that. So I bet your own private list of justified crying is way longer.

  • I'm a chick, so I can easily tell you that I am CRYING laughing right now! Thanks for that.

  • Hey guys are allowed to cry at their wedding too. No matter how tough they are, the usually cry and not the cry of lost freedom but of happiness. Ask any photographer. Well….unless their cry of lost freedom just looks like a cry of happiness. Hmm…LOL.

    • Obamasucks666

      No, as a minister, DJ, and owner of a photography company, crying at the wedding will get you made fun of, and pic will be printed on shirts and passed put to ur wedding guest before the end of the night

  • Real men yell deeper when a catheter is inserted.

  • norean

    ur right nobody likes a whiny guy. suck it up buttercup. remember it's the girl that is suposed to cry on the guys shoulder, not the other way around.

    • This page is so amazing. I'm starting like this. I would like to thank you for sharing this very informative article. Keep up the good work dude.

  • norean

    ur right nobody likes a whiny guy. suck it up buttercup. remember it's the girl that is suposed to cry on the guys shoulder, not the other way around.

  • jhadley

    I'm still agonizing over the fact that I can never eat banana bread again without visualizing you… mentally…. in my head…. totally not doing that banana bread girl. I know it doesn't technically go in this remark box. But I've had a little too much to drink and I've lost track of where I am.

  • Well, if you're standing in a military graveyard in front of a tombstone of a fellow soldier who was like a brother to you and who gave his life during Word War II, when you two were buried up to your canteens in swamp, and you reminisce a bit, I will excuse you for shedding a quiet tear for a goddamn good guy. *sniff* Naw, naw, I'll be all right. Just… just give me a minute.

  • ayreej

    That was one hell of a post!
    🙂 I am in the office and laughing out loud…. 🙂 cant stop it
    Good one!

  • I'll forward this to the hubs. Not that I would ever do such a thing, but I think he should be permitted to cry if I come home wearing a pair of Manolos.

  • No. 2 is so true… “Cry the fuck out.” That's all someone have to do.

  • No. 2 is so true… “Cry the fuck out.” That's all someone have to do.

  • and during maps by the yeah yeah yeahs.

    dropkick a seagull? macho to the nines? fucking epic.

  • Loool

  • Holy $#!%!!!! I'm laughing out loud with my son on my lap… He's so confused! Perfect list!

  • Tn Confuscious

    Ross: I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven’t done that since I was four and I washed my dad’s Porsche with rocks.

  • i feel like theres a 6th one but i'll be damned if i can think of it

  • Scott"Wanderer"Hubachek

    Ok, for some reason the story went blank and I could not read it, so i'll give the story a half a star for creative title.

  • guest

    If you find out your wife or girl friend used to be a guy. … i think you can cry for that… yeah.

  • Andid73

    You forgot one. All men are allowed to cry if and when Chuck Norris.

  • Andid73

    That should say if and when Chuck Norris dies. oops.

  • zhue

    when you peeling red onions and bj miss watching DORA

  • I just described there, but you get the picture.

  • I just described there, but you get the picture.