Dear People Who Game Twitter For Followers: It’s Over.

This dude used software to get 84539 followers on Twitter. Today, he tortures all of his followers with links to lolcats.

Twitter’s a funny thing.

In one way, it’s opened up an almost-limitless medium for conversation. Twitter has flowed information freely across borders, languages, cultural barriers. It has brokered political revolution. Evoked social change.

And in another way, it’s a popularity contest.

Look, I’ve lost every popularity contest I’ve been in.

I ran for assistant treasurer of my student body government in high school. Assistant. Basically, that meant I did nothing. I guess if the Treasurer died, this nerdy kid named Jeff Rogers who wore massive rapist glasses, I would step in and ‘balance the sheets’. Meanwhile, I sucked at accounting so I doubt I’d be balancing anything.

GAAP? Like anyone knew what that meant.

It just seemed like the only job I could win.

The year I ran for it, this kid who spoke fractured English ran against me. His name was Jagajagajeevan. He was from Sri Lanka. Jagajagajeevan told us to call him Jugs. Really? Because there’s no way I’m calling a dude Jugs.

He came to the country three months before. I doubt he knew he was even running for assistant treasurer.

He won by a landslide.

This post is dedicated to the fat awkward boy who cried for three days after losing to a dude who didn’t know he was running.

This one’s for fat-me.

Twitter now.

Twitter is inherently based on a follower count. You follow people, people follow you. A decent number of followers is about 50-100. Yet some people on Twitter have 60-90 thousand.

Thousand!

Are these individuals celebrities? Have they made such monumental marks on society that thousands of people want access to their mind?

No. Most are Realtors from Florida. Self-proclaimed experts in social media, SEO, marketing.

In other words, nerdy douchebags.

Twitter has announced that they will be going after these individuals and deem their accounts spam. These individuals game the system by using scripts, software that follow thousands of people a day and unfollow anyone who doesn’t follow them back. It’s a grey-technique called churning followers. So that dude who’s a Realtor from Florida? The dude who has 3 videos on YouTube and calls himself an “SEO maven”? That 64 yr old grandma from Utah who says she’s a social media expert because she has 30 thousand followers?

All done by software.

Look, I’m not going to tell you how to do twitter right. Because you know I hate when people use that term. But if you’re using software to increase your following, then you’re a robot.

Not real.

What will you do if Twitter cleanses itself of the individuals that have inflated their following by using software? These are the individuals that gave you the most material to make fun of.

I know, right? Shit. I’ll have to rip on avatars I guess. I’d have to actually try and be creative.

Do you think this article will piss of individuals who are friendly to you on Twitter that have enormous followings?

No, because it doesn’t apply to them. The individuals that I secretly DM on Twitter to RT my stuff actually add value. Think about it. A lot of you reading this have come through their ranks, which means they’re tweeting value.

Tremendous News? Super value.

I’m talking about the people who have 60 000 followers but also follow 60 000 people and add no value. They’re never RTed. Rarely recommended by others. Just vapid holes of nothingness that try to pass themselves off as authorities on an issue even though they’re not.

Those are the people I’m talking about.

Do you realize that this article will probably be laced with comments from those robotic individuals with hurtful arguments attacking you as a person?

Yes.

And I can’t wait.

As long as none of them are from a dude named Jugs.

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I don’t use scripts to grow my followers.  I just take it one hurtful, emotionally-shattering follower at a time.  Be the next one here!

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