The Guy Kawasaki Roast!

To begin, a confession.

I thought Guy Kawasaki was a man who made motorcycles.

When I first heard his name, I said Kawasaki? Cool. Motorcycling.

I actually said “motorcycling.”

I know.  I just wade in and out of coherent prose.

I was wrong, though. Guy Kawasaki is other things. He is a first fellow of Apple. An entrepreneur, an author, a speaker.

Today, I will celebrate him by destroying him electronically. With just words, I will shatter his Kawasaki-like feelings. Unravel his entire world. In one blog post.

Because that’s how relevant Tremendous News! is.

To my 28 readers: You’re welcome.

Let’s begin.

His Name.

“Guy Kawasaki” is the unholy marriage between ethnic Japanese and poutine chef from Montreal.

The single syllable of his first name tries and fails to offset the alarmingly high amount in his last.

But how did this happen?

Let’s visit the hospital room where GK was born. His father must have raised the baby above his head in Lion King-fashion.

My baby has arrived! A continuation of a long noble line of Kawasakis.

What should we name him honey?

I don’t know. Doctor, what is it? Dude or chick?

Sir, it’s obviously clear from his -oh. Oh, I see. Well I’ll be damned. It’s supposed to be a boy.

Hm.  Shit I don’t know. It’s a guy, so just call him Guy. I’ll be at the bar watching the game.

Honey! The Birth Certificate People will be here any minute. We can’t just name our son Guy because it’s his gender.

Quit trying to change me.

His Picture.

guykawasaki

When I Google stalked GK for this roast, I noticed many of his images were taken by professional photographers.

Photogs as we like to call them in the industry.

By the way, if you ever use the term “photogs” and you’re not in the industry, after you leave the conversation the people you were just talking to immediately discuss how much they hate you.

You’re going to just parade around and use that word?

That’s our word.

The industry people’s.

Take note that in this image, GK is laughing, mid-conversation on the set of what appears to be Oprah.  Or Maury.  Or Military T-Shirt Weekly.

Something important.

On the other hand, I’ve never been in an important, professional picture in my life.

The closest I’ve ever come was when I was six.  We went to the mall in the rich area of town and saw Santa.  The picture I got was an 8×10 glossy done by a professional photog.

Only the picture was of Santa clutching what would later become my devastating man boobs, trying to heave me up on to his lap while I stood staring at the camera lens, shocked.  Santa looked annoyed.  You could only see me face-to-moob.  And after I got the picture, my mom refused to hang it.

You can guess where I’m at psychologically.

Guy, on the other hand, is not much better.  See, you probably think someone took this picture of him.  In reality?

Self-portrait.

Completely done on his own.  Guy affixed special lighting in his basement.  Sat in a chair-stool.  Arranged his photo equipment on a tripod and took pictures of himself for hours.  Directing himself.

IT’S GO TIME GUY.  GO TIME. Click.

That’s it Guy, who’s your favorite Apple Fellow baby? Click.

Gentle laugh.  Gentle.  I want them to know the Guy behind the Guy. Click.

Let’s take five for a Tang break.

guykawasaki51Guy On Twitter.

Guy Kawasaki has over one hundred thousand followers on Twitter.  That’s a staggering amount.  Through this clout, he has become quite influential on this medium.

But there’s a secret.

A secret only 98% of you already know.

He has ghost-tweeters.

This tiny army of people write tweets for Guy and post them under his name.  This allows Guy to go out and party with hot young bloggers while his army produces Twitter content.

Just kidding.

There’s no hot young bloggers.

They’re the Internet’s unicorns.

But what many don’t know is behind the Twitter account, these army of ‘volunteers’ aren’t really volunteering.  It’s much, much darker.

Like Santa has a toy factory and Nike has sweatshops, Guy Kawasaki has a Tweet slave camp.

His Tweet slaves are holed up in some mid-rise building in San Mateo, California, where they furiously shrink URLs.  GK comes in and inspects their work routinely, but always demands more.  Only a fraction of their tweets are actually approved.  The content which is denied?

Deleted forever.

In front of their eyes.

They work tirelessly, prohibited from humor.  Prohibited from visiting Starbucks more than 3 times a day.  GK likes to keep them rigid, raw.  Dependent on him.  As a reward, he takes them to the Gordon Biersch brewpub once a year where they all feed in silence.

As the years pass, Twitter’s silent prisoners keep tweeting.  They keep working.  And alongside TechCrunch links, his Tweet slaves shrink dreams for a better tomorrow.

If you read this, my enslaved friends.  My brothers and sisters in humanity. I have a message for you.

Make sure you tweet the fuck out of this roast.

Now get back to work.

Guy on Alltop.

GK’s pretty rich.

While you read this, sitting in your cubicle just trying to make ends meet while your yenta wife or overweight husband is driving you mental, GK’s out blinging up his teeth.

With like diamonds and shit.

And even with that type of success he continues to push further and molest various parts of the Internet with his own Kawasakiness.

He launched a site called AllTop.

AllTop is an aggregate feed of the Internet’s top websites.

Oh, and Tremendous News!

This is where I say something nice about him because he actually put me on AllTop.  While unmedicated.

Actually, when he reads the part of the roast where I questioned his gender, this site will probably be kicked off AllTop.

You can see Tremendous News! on humor.alltop.com.  I highly recommend signing up to AllTop.  You can take all the best (non-pornographic feeds) and add it to your MyAlltop.

It appears GK did something nice for you by adding your piece of shit website to AllTop.  Why did you roast him with such vicissitude.

Really?  I don’t even know what vicissitude even means but doesn’t that sound like a real smart question?

I’m sure Guy will get over it.

Now let’s take five for a Tang break.



——

If at any point while reading this roast, you said to yourself “wow, this person is mean” or “hot jeepers! that’s not nice at all”, then please don’t follow me on Twitter.

Stay tuned to Tremendous News! for the next roast.  Send your suggestions on who I should roast next.







  • This was a great way to start my day. What a laugh! Go Guy!!

  • Nice! Thanks for the laugh.

  • You mean this tweet wasn’t posted by the REAL Guy http://twitter.com/GuyKawasaki/status/2163282069 but just one of his twitter slaves? And I stayed up all night for that twitter stream about testicles from around the world!

    Ugh!!

  • Please no more “Roast” posts. They aren’t as funny as your other ramblings.. Got as far as Guy On Twitter and *snore*

  • hehe – i liked hot young bloggers being the internet’s unicorns – but “vicissitude” means “changes”, not “viciousness and attitude”. (Which i think is what you meant there.)

  • Funny post! This guy had me laughing real hard!

  • Just did a five part blog series on How To Roast A Friend. I’m linking to this immediately. AWESOME work!

    best,
    Rick

  • Excellent! Great article, I already saved it to my favourite,

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