The Celebrity Roast! 10 Popular Tweeters Get Burned.

denise

If you look like this, we don't even care if you shrink your URLs.

As the popularity of Twitter swells, celebrities have begun to capture this new medium of expression.

Some have used it as a platform to entertain us. Others, a way to connect to fans.

Paris Hilton has used it to tell us someone egged her Bentley.

Egged. Her. Bentley.

She couldn’t just say car?

Meanwhile, I’m driving a ‘91 Buick LeSabre where you have to wind the windows up by hand. And like, there’s duct tape on the gear shifter stick thing and a tape deck man. A tape deck.  Without any auto-reverse. How do you not have auto-reverse? Really? What’s the added cost of auto-reverse, Buick? What is it? 20 cents?  Douches.

Sorry.

Now, this article isn’t a pointed shot at celebrities.

In fact, I enjoy celebrities. They delight me as I sit at home in my peejay pants and screen them on my television device.

This article is a shot at how celebrities use Twitter.

Also, a way for me to delay coming to terms with my own failures by roasting celebrities who have way more success than me.

Wow.  That was a little deep and alarming.

Let’s get started.

These celebrities were picked by Twitter users. I asked for nominations, received 17 names and then got a little drunk and completely forgot what anyone said. So really?

These celebrities were picked by me after thirteen Strongbows.

Let’s begin.

The Celebrity Who Fights the Epic Battle against “Haternation”

diddy@iamdiddy (P-Diddy/Puff Daddy/Sean Puffy Combs)

Appears to have an inordinate number of “haters” on Twitter. When Diddy senses anger directed towards him, he immediately deploys his legions of electronical fans. Then, his anti-hate fans will hate on the haters and create this giant mildly-retarded orgy of hate.

Tweet Example: Ok its official people!!! The name for tweet hatin is #twittassness retweet for the world to see! Are u infected???

The Celebrity Who Makes All Of Twitter Go, “Wait. How Did You Get That Many Followers? Really? You? Who Was Looking For You Before Twitter Came Along?”

aplusk@aplusk (Ashton Kutcher)

Pilot through the tweets of Ashton Kutcher and you’ll say to yourself, Hmm.  Maybe 140 characters were perhaps too many.  He’d be much better in, say, 6. The facts, though, are positive.  He interacts with his massive following and doesn’t act pompous. In fact, he invites you into his mind-numbing war with technology.  Here he is in a Plato-like contemplation of Twitter.

Ok now I feel like a teeneage girl I take it back. I take take it back! Damn you 140 characters of streaming consiousness.

The Devastatingly Incoherent Athlete Who Probably Reads Twitter Only For the Profile Pictures.


shaq@The_Real_Shaq (Shaquille O’Neal)

Shaq is one of the most interactive celebrities on Twitter.  He has over 1.1 million followers but he’ll actually sit there on his BlackBerry and furiously try to respond to everyone that mentions him.  I can just imagine Shaq thumbing his tiny telephonic device with his huge fingers.  I, myself, have tiny spindly, girl fingers and can’t even do that.  And it’s true that he replies to everyone.  Every one. I think I’ve even seen him reply to a spam bot with stuff like, “hey girl thnx for the viagara specal.thumbs up baby”.

Shaqness: O my yahoo sports wrote a bad article abt me , I’m gonna cry , yea rt, wanna kno the real its comn frm my shaqberry I’m da reporter now.

The Celebrity Who Really Doesn’t Need Another Medium For Hot Chicks To Contact Him But He Gets On Twitter Anyway Just To Make A Little Piece Of Me Die Inside.

liljohnny@johncmayer (John Mayer)

As a guy, it’s easy to hate John Mayer.  He’s better looking than me, he can sing, and he’s devastatingly rich.  In fact, before crafting this article, I got a message from a woman warning me not to roast John Mayer.  It was alarmingly creepy.

hey i think ur funny!  But for your celebrity roast, plz dont roast john mayer.  he’s so nice!  and we wouldn’t want your face to be destroyed by ‘accidental’ third degree burns rite? rite!? i know where u live.  also ur PIN starts with an 8.  thnx!  ur friend.  tanya.

So because Tanya is surprisingly accurate, I’ll just leave you with one tweet from John Mayer and you can decide on your own.

@aplusk your tweets are on fire right now!!!!

The Angelic Messiah Of Twitter Whose PR Person Relays Us With Her Presence.

opeah

@oprah (Oprah Winfrey)

The day Oprah arrived on Twitter, millions of yentas across America decided to buy a computer. They made their own Twitter account and flooded our streams with Just trying to figure out Twitter! and Good morning my new twiends! This made many of us learn how to aggressively filter. The worst part of it all was that Oprah didn’t tweet anything herself. It was just her PR army deployed to appease frustrated yentas who upgraded to Vista Service Pack 2 just so they wouldn’t miss an Oprah musing.

By the way. Service Pack 2?

Sucks dick.

The Party Girl Who Uses Twitter To Amplify Vapidity To Never-Before-Seen Levels.

kimkardash

I did a post on Brooke Hogan that sparked an enormous amount of anger from hot chicks from across the Internet. Most of them wrote me and told me that they doubted the size of my genitalia. Then called me a loser.

Hurtful.

But I get it. Roasting celebrity party-girls is unfair.

It’s like Mike Tyson fighting me.

It’s like a blind, severely disabled person fighting me.

Anyone fighting me.

Not a good fighter.

Instead, I’ll just present the one Brooke Hogan tweet that I think epitomizes it all.

I love Britney…She is an icon and idol of mine. Musically she is the most important singer of our generation.

The Celebrity Who Is Way Too Into Twitter It Makes Us Doubt If They’re Getting Any Work Anymore.

kirstiealley

@KirstieAlley (Kirstie Alley)

Kirstie Alley is cool. I enjoy her. I don’t care what she weighs. I don’t even care what she looks like. I just care about what she tweets. And usually, it’s pleasant.

But then she’ll tweet this regarding how she decides if she blocks someone on Twitter:

NO,it’s really easy..don’t look at their RECENT posts..go back a couple of weeks..BAM there’s the dope..I have been at this game a long time

And then I’m like, I don’t even do that! And I’m like a fat, shithead blogger.

So then I grow alarmed that perhaps she’s too into Twitter. Maybe it’s affecting her career decisions, maybe it’s not. Either way, if she ever reads this, I’m probably blocked. As my last words to her, I’d like to say:

Blocking me only makes me stronger.

The Celebrity Who Informs Us They’ll Eventually Get To Twitter When They’re Bored Enough To Deal With Shitheads Like Us.

seth

@SethMacFarlane (Seth MacFarlane)

I’m a huge fan of Seth MacFarlane. I find him to be a tremendously creative individual that can entertain me for hours. But I know he’s way too busy seducing hot women across the world and creating Family Guy to sit on Twitter and furiously shrink URLs to send out as tweets. I know this. But when you see his Twitter page, you just know he’s thinking, I posted one tweet telling people I’ll eventually get to Twitter and look! 7000 followers. Ha! Now let’s get back to immense Family Guy-related vagina.

Meanwhile there are thousands of “Social Media Experts” who care so much about keeping one follower they’ll censor what they tweet because they’re worried about losing them. Then they won’t be ranked high enough on some geeky site that ranks Twitter users on some dopey scheme nobody knows about. It shatters them emotionally when they have built their following for 30 months and then people like Seth MacFarlane come along, shit out one tweet, and boom. Thousands.

Ha!

Tremendous.

The Celebrity Who Tells Us Which Famous People “Dropped By The Set” While The Rest of us are Trying To Get Stains Out Of Clothes We Bought At Target and Eating Ramen Noodles.

jonfav

@Jon_Favreau (Jon Favreau)

Jon Favreau is a tremendous director. I have a picture of him and Vince Vaughan and the other dude from Swingers sitting on my dresser at home. My roommate looks at it sometimes and says, “Son, why can’t you have nice decorations? Your room looks like a tornado went through it. You think any girl will want to marry an untidy boy?” And then I’m all like, “Shit mom, really! Can you just lay off? I’m almost thirty. I’m an adult. An adult who wouldn’t mind if you made me sunny-side up eggs for breakfast.”

Wait what?

Point is, Jon Favreau will mention things about his day that will dwarf anything from my day. And he’ll do it all casual-like.

2:01pm. Jon Favreau just worked with Robert Downey Jr. and got a lot out of him for a scene.

2:02pm. I found my old Nintendo and set up Duck Hunt. Then the mean guy from the credit card company called for the thirty-fourth time, but I drowned him out with that grainy Nintendo volume. Then I tried shooting that shithead dog in Duck Hunt. Hey. Can you kill that dog? Is there a code? Someone e-mail me and let me know. That would be cool as ass.

The Celebrity Who We All Know Isn’t Tweeting Themselves. But Then We Think, “Maybe This Is Better.”

britney

@BritneySpears (Britney Spears)

Really?  Click that link.  Digest those tweets.  It’ll all be clear.


—–

It was difficult crafting this article without mentioning that I also enjoy the tweets of @PerezHilton. He has the balls to identify slips of celebrity genitalia and then tweet to them like they’re all cool.  It makes my hard-line blogging style look pedestrian.

The young lady in the lead image is @Denise_Richards The young lady featured in the celebrity party-girls section is @KimKardashian

If you hated this article and my off putting personality, send your hilarious hate mail here.

If you’re on Twitter and want to be horribly offended by me, you can do it here.


  • A tape deck? Pshaw! If you had said an 8-track, I would have been impressed.

  • Roasted! This is the third post of yours that i read, i am completely addicted to your blog now.
    ps: follow me on twitter. ha!

  • Shaq responded to me! Shaq responded to me! Hoodley-hoo! Oh, and I have ’90 Toyota 4×4 truck with a tape deck and only one speaker left working on the stereo. I can’t roll down the windows ’cause the dog chewed off the handles. But hey, my phone plays MP3s. HA!

  • Great. I’m following you on twitter, so as soon as you tweeted this post, I headed right over here to read it. I still have to write my blog post (reading yours interrupted the flow, thank you very much) and mine will never be as scathing as yours. I’m shattered.

  • Damn… All I can say, in my Jon Stewart voice, “NAILED IT.”

    While I agree with 100% of you choices… Your FAILURE (I think you requested this tone in your ‘about’ section) is in missing these three MONDO TWEETER TYPES. So, officially your post is 100% accurate, is it also lacking. (Not in humor, it is frackin hilarious, I might add, and just did.)

    Here are the 3 TYPES you might find a place for in your future annals of fame.

    Mr. 50k – Auto-Everything, tweetin and RTin everything, inane chat via twitter goes like this: “hi @dumbkoff” and “have you been on twitter long?” and “what can I say, I love Twitter.”

    Little Miss iPhone – tweetin my status even when I don’t have one… like this “just had a diet coke” and “no more candy for me today” and “well that’s it wonderful tweeps, I’m logging off and going home for the night”

    Professor Makin You Millions Or Famous Or Hugely Followed – another lover of the auto-dm. Tweets sound like “Hey, thanks for the follow, check out my 20k followers in 20 minutes a day eBook” and “I can show you how the REAL MONEY is being made on social media”

    (cause we all know the fake money is being made somewhere else.)

    Love your work man, or astroman!

    @jmacofearth
    http://twitterjoker.com

  • Tania

    I laughed really hard at this whole post but this part [My roommate looks at it sometimes and says, “Son, why can’t you have nice decorations? Your room looks like a tornado went through it. You think any girl will want to marry an untidy boy?” And then I’m all like, “Shit mom, really! Can you just lay off? I’m almost thirty.] made me wet my pants!! I’ve tweeted it (the post not the wetting my pants bit) 😛

  • ha! the best was “Britney Spears is the most important singer of our times” what about people who can actually sing? and whose songs say more than who they had sex with and how much their breakup hurt and how sexy they are?

    also, why did that section have a pic of Kim Kardashian but talked about Brooke Hogan?

    awesome post, man.

  • This was 99.998% perfect. All that was missing was the word “self-important” in front of “Social Media Experts.”

  • If you’d frackin enable trackbacks and pingbacks I’d SO be able to share some link love with you. As it is I have to do a follow up post to let you know I praised you beyond the bounds of your little site.

    Rawk on!

    http://bit.ly/funny-tweets

  • Tremendous is no longer cutting it.. this is all border line brilliant.
    props.

    ps. your PIN starts with a 7, not an 8 😉
    haha.

    n.

  • Donna

    You had me at “hand-crank windows”

    Great site – Fun expression of quirky thoughts …

    : )

    D

  • Have your mom make me some eggs too, please.

  • MG

    Breaking News:

    Someone just egged my Pinto.

  • Edrees

    Wow, shaq didn’t respond to me. I’m outraged

  • wow… brooke really is dumb for that tweet. hah.

  • LOL!!! This is great! I like your no-BS writing style – it is genuine, unlike most of the celebrities! I think I will subscribe to your blog now! 🙂 Cheers!

  • That was classic, nice presentation.

  • Me hates John Mayer too. LOL. Oh well I guess that’s because chicks dig on him. More like of insecurity factor.

  • You are an absolute screech! Thanks for this … glad someone else feels the same way I do about these “shlebs” :P~

  • You’re the best person on Twitter. I’m pretty sure of that.

  • xtrmlyincredbly

    thanks for this amazing nugget of hilarity… you really nailed it.

  • Awesome. I enjoyed the roast very very much. YUMMY

  • Shanaynay

    F***ing hilarious!

  • @melshel99

    I can't believe I'm just finding this now….hilarious! Keep it up, I LOVE IT!

  • Love this post. @The_Real_Shaq ! Awesome !

  • You forgot about the TMI celebrities. There's a soap in the UK called Hollyoaks and it's their actors, as much as I love them, that seem to be consistent TMI offfenders.

    examples:

    @Kevin_Sacre Where's all the toilet paper gone! Not a good situation I find myself in!
    @Kevin_Sacre Its all ok … I had tissue in my pocket

    @ashoztd Full of a cold, empty of energy, half full of snot!!! YES SNOT! Snotty snotty snot SNOT! Feel fantastic?!?
    @ashoztd YUP!!! defo drowning in me own nose puke! There is no hope for me, save yourselves!!!

    Ok, I'm all for hot guys sharing, but not if it ruins the illusion of them being hot.

  • I thought the angel of twitter was @alyssa_milano. Her tweets always seem so sweet and it's really her tweeting!

  • tondamcorbett

    i love twitter with the celebs, THE ENQUIRER can eat their hearts out……. even the globe, the sun, etc. we get the real truth, paparazzi you need to get a life of truth, you take pics and take them to the liars to print, there that's why I LIKE TWITTER AND BEING ABLE TO HERE THE REAL TRUTH !!!!!!

  • SPLITS

    DUDE How Can You Mention Celebrities On Twitter & NOT mention @DONNIEWAHLBERG Seriously!!!
    BTW Your Funny!!!
    Love Reading Your twitter Articles 🙂
    Oh Yeah & Follow Me Cause I Cool Chick On Twitter @NKOTBWORSHIPER If That Name Does Not Get You I Will. hehehehehe

  • SPLITS

    DUDE How Can You Mention Celebrities On Twitter & NOT mention @DONNIEWAHLBERG Seriously!!!
    BTW Your Funny!!!
    Love Reading Your twitter Articles 🙂
    Oh Yeah & Follow Me Cause I Cool Chick On Twitter @NKOTBWORSHIPER If That Name Does Not Get You I Will. hehehehehe

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