My Story About Tongue Rings.

tongue_ringsTo begin, a proclamation.

I snuck liquids onto a plane.

Our story opens at an airport, where a mildly obese man you may know was caught in violation of the no-liquid-policy at the security counter. In front of me stood a chubby security officer wearing wide-brimmed glasses. He had just retrieved three varieties of contraband from my carry-on baggage and waved them violently in front of me. Gilette shaving cream, Got2Be Squeaky Clean Shampoo and Vichy Men’s Facial Scrub. He said I could return to the massive line up at check-in and check my baggage or he could deposit them all in the trash. Since I was in a hurry, I elected the latter option and watched my traveling essentials disappear behind a counter. The chubby asshole smiled. He had stripped me of my necessities.

A declaration. A fatwa, if you will. If anyone sees a member of airport security with a freshly scrubbed chubby face, and squeaky clean hair, ensure that he knows he is a tremendous asshole.

I’m locating my seat in the aircraft now, hoping to sit beside somebody normal. Somebody that doesn’t ask me about my personal relationship with Jesus. I find it. At the window sits a pleasant-looking blond girl, blue eyes, with daddy-long-leg legs. By my rough, rapid estimation, I approximate that she is forty-four feet tall. I sit. We make small talk. Where she’s going (home, to Vancouver), what she does (dental hygienist), what she likes to do in her leisure hours (read, patronize various discos). I notice a tongue ring. Is it just me, or do all individuals that feature tongue rings tend to show them off? She made a lot of “oooooooh’s” and “awwwwww’s” during our conversation. Fish gaping facial expressions. Between you and I, I believe it was to totally show off her tongue ring. Nobody gapes anymore.

Our flight departs. I monitor world news in a variety of publications, drink some shitty wine and slip into my air travel coma. I wake, hours later, and watch an old episode of Seinfeld. The one where George buys that Goretex jacket that is extremely large for him. Oh, George. How amusing you are! Tongue Ring strikes further conversation. This time, it’s all about me. An hour passes. I’m still not done. As we touch down, I ask Tongue Ring why she’s taking such a brief trip to Vancouver. The cost must be enormous. She says it’s at her boyfriend’s expense, and he needs to see her frequently. Perhaps to talk, I figure. She stands and I realize I grossly miscalculated her height by close to thirty-eight feet. She is roughly my height. Five ten and three quarters.

We exit and say our goodbyes. I browse items in the gift shop, mostly shampoo, shaving cream and facial scrubs. A few minutes later I’m descending on an escalator. I hear a familiar voice. It’s Tongue Ring. She stands in front of me conversing with her boyfriend about the flight. She doesn’t notice I’m behind her.

Welcome to the most awkward social situation you can find yourself in. A stranger that you just met will now speak of you, not knowing you are listening. And it’s not like I could retreat backward on the escalator, to escape hearing her talk about me. I can’t just power off my hearing as well. And, of course, I need to know what she says.

The boyfriend, who is much shorter, more compact than Tongue Ring asks about the flight.

“It was good! We had an empty seat in the middle, which was soo good.”

The boyfriend agrees. Tells her that he’s happy for her. Really? You’re happy for her? She didn’t do anything, dumbhead. It’s an empty seat. The boyfriend now pivots to the long-awaited question. He asks Tongue Ring who they sat her next to. This is her time to speak of me. Here it comes.

Pause.

This could unfold in a variety of ways. To placate the dolphin boyfriend, she could discount my subtle charm and elegant suave and disparage me. We all know this would be intellectually dishonest, but I can see why she would not want to emotionally shatter her boyfriend with the powerful truth. Another way this can unfold is she could really not have liked me. She could say I was doughy faced and mislabel my confidence for conceitedness. At worst, she could say I smelled. Like curry. Any of these outcomes would result in a highly uncomfortable trip down the escalator, and we were not even one quarter of the way down. If her comments about me were negative, and then she saw me behind her, we’d have to awkwardly stare at each other as we all traveled downward. Tongue Ring, Loser Boyfriend, and Curry Boy.

Ready for her answer? Let us delay no further.

“Oh I sat next to this guy who was soo cool. He was so funny and really nice!”

I smile. The boyfriend was silenced. Personally, I think she left out good-looking, but only because the boyfriend may have broken down into uncontrollable sobbing. Okay, perhaps I push too far. Tongue Ring delivered.

When I got to Vancouver, I repurchased my toiletries. I tucked them away in the tiny enclaves of my luggage. When I went through security at the Vancouver airport, I watched as my luggage rolled into the x-ray machine. The security officer asked me if I had any liquids. Oh my. Perhaps again, I would be stripped of my prized possessions.

“Nope. None. No shampoo is worth the risk,” I said.

“Have a nice flight,” he waved me forward, laughing.

The trick, you ask?

Just be cool, funny and nice.

  • Tongue ring girl totally wanted you, dude. Missed opportunity there.

  • Imagine the plane toilet action you missed out on…pull the trigger next time! Tongue ring girl was all yours

  • I have to say, this website is probably the most interesting thing iv found on the internet for ages. Other than that article about ukulelles being the spawn of the devil. That was weird.

  • Anonymous

    this was on deeper notes last year… v funny tho!!

  • She made a lot of “oooooooh’s” and “awwwwww’s” during our conversation. Whooo.. she was giving you the signs man. Should have grabbed the opportunity

  • This is cool! And so interested! Are u have more posts like this? Plese tell me, thanks

  • Steven_C

    I figure the trick is chloroform. What I tend to do is mix it in my shampoo, but not my shaving cream, facial scrub, like some amateurs do. When sitting next to an attractive woman (no seat in between), I lean close to her – my flowing brown locks wafting the aroma of this potent chemical mixture – to which she usually replies, “you smell nice, unlike this guy I sat next to before. He smelled like curry.” A few short moments later, and she is all yours!

  • i'm pretty, pretty sure i love you. i'd glady sit next to you on any flight. the longer the better. 'nobody gapes anymore…' oh, i gape. you make me wanna gape. hearts.

  • I smile. The boyfriend was silenced. Personally, I think she left out
    good-looking, but only because the boyfriend may have broken down into
    uncontrollable sobbing. Okay, perhaps I push too far. Tongue Ring
    delivered.
     

  • Lauren DeSouza

    This is hilarious thank you for the laughter xxoo

  • Lauren DeSouza

    This is hilarious thank you for the laughter xxoo