The 5 Dating Commandments For Women.

This is like emotional porn.

This is like emotional porn.

A time ago, I piloted through ten dating tips for men. This went exceptionally well.  Gentlemen from around the planet sent electronic mailings thanking me for my insight.

I’m so brilliant.

Ladies, here are your tips.  Heed my advice and maybe you’ll score.

And by “score” I mean “achieve a meaningful relationship with a mature, sensitive man unafraid of commitment.”

Guys, I really just meant score.

1. Check your teeth before your date.

I remember going on a date with a young lady from Orange County.  She was agreeable-looking, sure.  Like someone right out of the “OC” television programme.

Then she smiled.

And it was like meeting the characters of an enchanted forest.

Is that a twig?  Oh dear God.  She has like a twig in her teeth.

Please don’t smile more…please.  Wait.  Here.  I’ll pivot to a conversation about the holocaust so you don’t smile at —

You smiled at the holocaust!?  How do you smile at the holocaust?  Really.

Oh cool.  Right by her upper incisor?  I think that’s a gummy worm.

2. Don’t trash your ex.  But also never compliment him.  Yes.  We’re that emotionally fragile.

You dated the guy for seven years but now you describe him like he’s the spawn of Kim Jong-il.  That’s not nice.

But don’t compliment him either.  Who needs that.  We’ll unravel emotionally and shatter inside.  Stick with comments like these.

My time with my ex was a part of my life I’ve put behind me.  No regrets.  But I’m looking forward to meeting a man with fully-functional male genitalia.

My ex was kind to others.  I respected his charity work.  But those man boobs were hard to look at.

My ex had a nice personality but a face for radio.

3. Forget your panties.

I think I speak for every guy on the planet when I say, a young lady who ‘forgets her panties’ is totally hot.  Lightly blend this into the conversation.

Oh no way? So you work at the parking lot on Adelaide?  What a tough job.  You know what else is tough?  Remembering to wear your panties.

Then stare at him all hot like.  Not like how you’re staring at this article right now and thinking what a douchebag writer.

Hot like.

4. Don’t tell him you “hate guys who are scared of commitment”

Because every guy is.  Every guy.

Look at how we watch TV.  We sit there and flip channels because we can’t commit to one show.  For the sake of universal balance, I’ll use the example of Akmed from the Middle East watching television.

Two and a Half Infidels.  Click.

Who wants to be a Hundredaire.  Click.

Everybody Loves Hakmeed.  Click.

CSI: Falujah. Click.

The reason you know guys can’t commit is because television had to invent Picture-In-Picture.  We’re so scared of missing out on something, we need a TV inside of a TV.  If you don’t believe me ladies, when’s the last time you used Picture-In-Picture?

Exactly.

Now ask your boyfriend.

5. For the love of seven million Hindu gods, don’t tell us “you feel fat”

At any time in your dating life, but especially early on, don’t say those words.  Because really?  What are we supposed to do with that?

I feel fat.

No way baby, you’re skinny.

Yeah yeah, you have to say that.

Eventually, you get us to believe our answer is so routine and formulaic that we need to modify it to ensure you realize we mean it.

How fun!

I feel fat.

No, baby, no.  You know what?  I hate bony-ass chicks.  Skinny girls are gross.

So I’m not skinny?

No.  Wait.  What?

So I’m fat.  I’m a big fat whale to you, aren’t I?

No baby! I mean like you’re not all super sk–

That’s enough.  Thanks.

Boom. Sex embargo until 2019.

There you have it.  You may have noticed that my dating tips for women were just half of the dating tips for guys.  This is because ladies need less tips.  In fact, I could’ve supplied 290 Dating Tips For Guys but that doesn’t really translate well to blogs. I’ve noticed many of you have short attention spans.

Also, you like lists.

If I missed anything, please let me know.  Luckily the young lady I’m dating right now needs none of these tips.

She’s absolutely perfect.

And once she lifts four restraining orders, I’ll tell her.

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