The Case Against Cyclist Commuters.

You know and I know its just an email from a Nigerian Banker.

You know and I know its just an email from a Nigerian Banker.

The city of Toronto is planning on spending $70 million to improve infrastructure for cyclist commuters.

Oh dear God.  I can feel this being a post where you rant about stuff like you’re a 70 year-old man.

Cyclist commuters make up 2% of traffic.

Really? Because nobody cares.  Write about leprechauns, magicians.  Anything.  Just not your take on the news.

The annoying 2%.

Why they would spend money to improve the lives of cyclists is beyond me.  I find the whole ‘cyclist subculture’ to be a pain in the ass.

I tried.  People, if you want to be bored into a coma, continue reading. If not, go to cracked.com

I know I may be biased against cyclists because I’ve never really had a good experience with bicycles.  I had to ride my sister’s old bike when I was a kid with those girly streamers hanging out.  I remember my friends telling me that they liked my bike.

Because it went well with my boobs.

I’m a dude, remember.  A dude.

So now cyclists want to have their own lanes?

First, who cycles?  You’re wearing a suit, man.  A suit.  Cycling just makes you sweaty and gross.  When you get to your meeting later today you’re going to have those huge armpit sweat circles.  And is that really appealing?

Take it from me and several of my ex-girlfriends.  It’s not.

If Toronto goes ahead with this plan to inject $70 million for cyclists I’ll be maddened.

It will set a precedent for bike freaks everywhere to take to every city. Soon the entire planet will be affronted by tiny bikes with suit-wearing cyclists and armpit sweat stains.

Take action now.  Take action the only way you know how.

By leaving a horribly insulting comment attacking me personally.

  • Anybody who bicycles in a business suit instead of changing at the office is a nimrod anyway.

  • we should all be biking more… cars are killing the environment.. i gotta disagree w/ u on this post.. where’s your eco-friendliness when the world needs it!

  • Yes, tremendous, where is your eco-friendliness? Let’s see you goose-stepping along with everyone else the way you’re supposed to be. David Suzuki is a close personal friend of mine (as anyone can tell by my blog post “I probably don’t like you because you’re David Suzuki”) and he’s personally following me on Twitter. So if you don’t behave I’ll sic him on you. And I know you don’t want that.

    As for the bikes, of course we need more bike lanes in Toronto. We can’t stop until all car traffic has been completely frozen in permanent grid-lock.

  • That’s why last month we rode in our prom dresses and this month we’re wearing Santa suits.

    But in October for the Mustache Ride we may look a bit like the dude in the photo. Except we will all have mustaches.

    Jason Pollack, if you want to ride with us, we’ll even loan you a bike if you promise to take a time out from Twitter.

  • Uhm, you’re a sweaty, hairy, planet-hating malcontent and your blog is, like, crap and stuff.

    How’d I do!

  • Jason

    Well, $70 million could definitely be spent a lot wiser than by adding more construction, more pavement, and more complexity to the already crazy Toronto streets. Not to mention the rise in cyclist related automotive accidents that will result.

    Riding on busy streets, especially with this new complicated cyclist infrastructure, will only make matters worse from the inexperienced cyclists who are about to use it. Especially those cyclists who feel they are entitled to something more than are motor vehicles, or that the rules of the road don’t apply to them. Cyclists who ride on the road, cyclist lane or not, should be required to take a cyclist test, like a drivers test, before being allows to participate on busy Toronto streets this serious way.

    Don’t tell me the guy in the suit is taking the rules of the road seriously from the banana seat of this bicycle while texting on his blackberry.

  • Pingback: Toronto Commits $70m on commuter cyclist infrastructure; Ventura Hosts Cycling Santas June 5 « art predator()

  • I think we have to be more positive about such initiative of giving cyclists the confidence and assurance of safety while on the roads. Believe it or not, encouraging cyclism is a good environmental choice and can in the long run be instrumental in improving the quality of life of a whole population. I've been in Holland where they have clear policy on the matter and I can assure you that people like. People are well used to riding bikes and they feel less stressed in the city traffic!

    Soon the entire planet will be affronted by tiny bikes with suit-wearing cyclists and armpit sweat stains.

  • GreatestDigitalResources

    In my humble opinion, nothing wrong in allowing more people to use bikes. Good for their health, good for the environment. Less pollution should be promoted at all costs.

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