The 3 Acceptable Reasons To Countdown In Your Status Update.

In July, 1969, the world fell silent. Millions across the world witnessed as Buzz Aldrin and Captain Neil Armstrong were propelled to the moon for the first time in history. Days before the launch, newspapers would report headlines like, T-5 Until We Launch Senior Citizen To Moon. Yes, even in 1969, Buzz Aldrin was, like, nine hundred years old.

You Have Claimed Victory In Europe.

In 1945, just days after Hitler committed suicide, the Allies accepted the unconditional surrender of the German army. The German general, an older man named Wilhelm Keitel, walked into a room full of Allied generals and surrendered his personal sidearm as a symbol of defeat. “Shit son, you got this! Nuff respect,” Keitel said, crying uncontrollably like a schoolgirl. After that statement, the day was forever known as VE Day, and days of peace afterward were counted down in reverse order, like VE+3. That is, until the Japanese got all up in our grill and we had to come correct over there.

You Are About To Serve Time In Jail.

Suppose you are turning tricks in the back of a Home Depot parking lot and get busted by the police. The officers would probably arrest you. Since all you do is turn tricks and creepily read Tremendous News, your courtroom defense would likely be horrible, and you would immediately be found guilty. The days before you are sentenced to jail would be an appropriate time to inform us of a countdown.Let’s now return to my story of personal embarrassment, the reason why you are here. This happened only several weeks ago, I forget the day, but I know exactly where it fell in my friend’s countdown to Cuba (name changed to protect the innocent).

T-19 Days Until Sara Goes to Cuba.

I’m at a bar waiting for a friend. My African-American Berry buzzes, informing me of a new electronical mailing. It’s from an Unnamed Individual, asking me if I would like to join her for a family dinner in just a couple of hours. Unfortunately, the dinner is thirty-five minutes away from me. I like to return home early, so I can monitor the lives of the people on Lost and laugh along with Dwight from The Office. I am thus, unavailable.

I write back with a tiny white lie. I say I am preoccupied at work and that I regret I cannot make it. I feel like if I tell her that I am blowing off Unnamed Individual’s family dinner for the above-mentioned television programs, I will look like a tremendous asshole.

And we all know that’s simply just not true.

I like how you, at this moment, are nodding your head, oh dear, how evil you are. Lying to blow off Unnamed Individual. That’s really mean. Please. You know, deep inside, you fabricate excuses routinely. Especially all you women out there. I can count the times I heard a girl nod her head and say, “a movie on Saturday? So sorry, I actually have to powerwash our interlock.”

I click send.