The 3 Acceptable Reasons To Countdown In Your Status Update.

This guy made countdowns relevant.  You counting down your trip to Vegas 27 days from now?  Not so relevant.

This guy made countdowns relevant. You counting down in your status update to your trip to Vegas 27 days from now? Not so relevant.

It was here where I was to begin a personal story of how I committed an embarrassing electronic mailing gaffe that humiliated someone and made me look like a fool. Each of you would delight in my own personal unraveling, because you are all sick and horribly twisted individuals that take me for your own personal jester and traveling clown. But before we get to that, let us first address the annoying trend of the Facebook/Twitter Count Down.Seriously, this countdown thing? Needs to stop.

A friend of mine, in her status update, counted down for 28 straight days before going to Cuba. Each morning, she would change her status to tick off another day before she left. Another friend subjected us to a 14-day countdown before she departed for a weekend in Montreal. Really? It’s Montreal.

Here are the only three reasons where I can understand a collective countdown.

You Are Launching A Post-Orbital Manned Space Shuttle.

In July, 1969, the world fell silent. Millions across the world witnessed as Buzz Aldrin and Captain Neil Armstrong were propelled to the moon for the first time in history. Days before the launch, newspapers would report headlines like, T-5 Until We Launch Senior Citizen To Moon. Yes, even in 1969, Buzz Aldrin was, like, nine hundred years old.

You Have Claimed Victory In Europe.

In 1945, just days after Hitler committed suicide, the Allies accepted the unconditional surrender of the German army. The German general, an older man named Wilhelm Keitel, walked into a room full of Allied generals and surrendered his personal sidearm as a symbol of defeat. “Shit son, you got this! Nuff respect,” Keitel said, crying uncontrollably like a schoolgirl. After that statement, the day was forever known as VE Day, and days of peace afterward were counted down in reverse order, like VE+3. That is, until the Japanese got all up in our grill and we had to come correct over there.

You Are About To Serve Time In Jail.

Suppose you are turning tricks in the back of a Home Depot parking lot and get busted by the police. The officers would probably arrest you. Since all you do is turn tricks and creepily read Tremendous News, your courtroom defense would likely be horrible, and you would immediately be found guilty. The days before you are sentenced to jail would be an appropriate time to inform us of a countdown.Let’s now return to my story of personal embarrassment, the reason why you are here. This happened only several weeks ago, I forget the day, but I know exactly where it fell in my friend’s countdown to Cuba (name changed to protect the innocent).

T-19 Days Until Sara Goes to Cuba.

I’m at a bar waiting for a friend. My African-American Berry buzzes, informing me of a new electronical mailing. It’s from an Unnamed Individual, asking me if I would like to join her for a family dinner in just a couple of hours. Unfortunately, the dinner is thirty-five minutes away from me. I like to return home early, so I can monitor the lives of the people on Lost and laugh along with Dwight from The Office. I am thus, unavailable.

I write back with a tiny white lie. I say I am preoccupied at work and that I regret I cannot make it. I feel like if I tell her that I am blowing off Unnamed Individual’s family dinner for the above-mentioned television programs, I will look like a tremendous asshole.

And we all know that’s simply just not true.

I like how you, at this moment, are nodding your head, oh dear, how evil you are. Lying to blow off Unnamed Individual. That’s really mean. Please. You know, deep inside, you fabricate excuses routinely. Especially all you women out there. I can count the times I heard a girl nod her head and say, “a movie on Saturday? So sorry, I actually have to powerwash our interlock.”

I click send.

The African-American Berry informs me that my message has been transmitted. An agreeable-looking young lady is now taking my drink order, and we begin to socialize. A friendly discussion, if you will. Mostly about the nuances of free-trade agreements. While I’m mingling with her, I am also thumbing a quick email to a friend who is late to meet me. I write her asking where she is.

I click send.

Only, it was mistakingly addressed to Unnamed Individual.

So, if you are Unnamed Individual, this is what you receive on your African-American Berry.

From: Tremendous News Blogger Man
Date: T-19 Days Until Sara Goes to Cuba
Time: 5:52PM

Hey, thanks for the invite! Sorry, but I’m a little busy at work. Rain check?

TN.

From: Tremendous News Blogger Man
Date: T-19 Days Until Sara Goes to Cuba
Time: 5:56PM

Yo, where are you dummy? I’m waiting at the bar.

TN.

How tremendous. Quickly shift now to the scene of me confessing my assholeness to Unnamed Individual while horrible electronica music is playing at the bar.

Luckily, Unnamed Individual thought the ordeal was humorous and we have since restored our friendship. I learned that I should never send electronic mails in haste, and always take my time. I don’t know if anyone else has had a horrible e-mail experience like this one, but if you have, it would make me feel a lot better.


  • Ziad

    I was in Grd 6 when something like this happened to me. It was around 9 pm and i was in bed trying to call my friend. He wasnt home. So me being easily amused started playing around with his electronic answering machine, what i did was record a message and play it back with the play back option. Eventually it got to a point where i was cussing out his whole family in a rap song and playing back my idiocy, i did this a few times and by now a good 10 minutes had probably passed. On the last recording i had made i went all out on his brother and many horrible words were said about his mother also. Then what i heard caused me a lot of pain that night: Your message has been sent. He didnt talk to me for a few days.