The Solution: How Lessons From The Bare-Assed Monkey Can Help Us End Obesity.



Recently, I screened the nerdy dvd series, Planet Earth.

In it, I learned about the bare-assed monkey, my new favorite animal. Even when the bare-assed monkey performs fantastical feats like saving its young from falling trees, or fending off predators with only its tail, one cannot help but notice the bare-assed monkey is totally showing his ass. How can anyone take this animal seriously? It just parades around, showing its badonkadonk to everyone, including the rain forest film crew. By the way, you know the film crew? Do you think they have a catering truck? Like when they yell “cut” to stop filming, do they go to a trailer full of Pizza Hut and KFC? Because I think they do.

Back to the bare-assed monkey.

When a bare-ass is born, the baby monkey consumes almost half of his body weight in a variety of twigs and berries and branches. The baby will eat an entire branch of a tree. You know how many calories a fucking branch is? Then, it will grow tremendously obese until the parents of the bare-assed monkey say, fuck this noise, and make the baby monkey go out and do some work for a change.

Then the bare-ass becomes slim and agile, an athletic specimen that is the envy of the entire rain forest.

In many ways, I was like this monkey. Not because of the comedic component of his anatomy, but more because I have always battled obesity.

It’s true. I had manorexia.

If one peruses my body frame, you will see I am doughy in the face but otherwise, I am quite normal. I have had this problem since I was born, almost 8 pounds from my first day and eating everything in sight. Much like the bare-ass monkey, I would shovel pretty much everything into my mouth, all of the time. When I was just one year-old, I was wearing clothes fit for a toddler of four. I’d mine closets for baby food like a crack fiend would scour sunken alleyways. One day, on a cold December afternoon, a 16 month-old baby you may know overdosed on Gerber’s Quick-Dissolve E-Z Digest Baby Crackers. All you saw was a baby laying comatose in a crib, crumbs scattered across his face. I know.

Tragic and sad.

However, when I reached grade one, something magical happened. I lost all of my weight and became skinny again. From that day forward, I enjoy an agreeable physique. Today, I weigh in at 213 lbs at five foot ten and three quarters.

Which brings us to Los Angeles.

The south district of Los Angeles has an obesity problem. Many of the people there are horribly fat, waddling across the city, coarsely wheezing while performing routine daily tasks. The city council is concerned. And instead of deploying educational programs or curbing dietary restrictions at local schools, they said fuck it.

Let’s ban McDonald’s.

And Burger King, and Wendys and my beloved Taco Bell.

They want to ban any fast food chain from operating in the area. That is their solution.

I have a better solution. I presented this theory in 2002 in Texas to an agreeable-looking young Mexican lady who was out at a bar with me. Do you want to know how you strike the fine balance between battling obesity and allowing fast food corporations to operate in a free market?

You make the doors to the restaurants smaller.

Suppose you enter McDonald’s. The doors are fucking huge. Anyone can just hobble in from outdoors. Instead, what you should do is make the doors more narrow, so that if you cannot fit into the restaurant, even sideways, you cannot eat there. This way, those who cannot fit into the restaurant, will not advance their obesity, and fast food chains can still operate.

In fact, those that are too big to fit inside a McDonald’s will be inspired to lose weight to return.  It’s inspirational.

Immediately after I dispensed this theory to the young lady in my story, she told me I was horribly offensive. I explained my bare-assed monkey theory and how I can empathize with the obese because I was once manorexic. No dice. She fled crying, flailing her arms wildly in the air.

Some people are way too sensitive.

Personally, I think my new innovation will be a powerful step forward. For the battle against obesity everywhere. For humanity. Some of you will signal for a pause, and say, Let’s take a time-out. Your idea is a horribly discriminatory practice! It has no place in the America or Canada or Mexico or Australia or Sierra Leone I live in.

To them I will say, wow, did you just ask for a “time out”?

That’s some nerdy shit right there.


I’m an obese person that finds this entire post entirely hurtful and downright mean.  Where do I send my electronical hate for you?

Right here.

Although I find your humor mediocre at best, I understand you’re actually a pleasant young man who means no harm.  Where do I send my electronical hate for you?

Right here.