On Twitter, you define yourself by what you tweet.
Be honest with yourself. You haven’t tweeted anything useful since September 2008.
Last month, you weighed in on Rihanna’s leaked images. This month, you supplied us with a 45-tweet review of Star Trek.
Thanks for that.
All you really have is your Twitter Profile Image. The avatar that shows up next to your tweets. And I studied hundreds of these images and narrowed it down to exactly ten different types.
Do you even work anymore? Like, really, where do you find the time to do shit like this?
How dare you. I’m the victim of a turbulent economic climate.
The 10 Types of Twitter Profiles.
1. The Girl Who Takes Her Own Picture In Front Of A Bathroom Mirror And We Can Actually See The Camera.
This is a winning formula. Because we know you didn’t just take one. You took 40, didn’t you? Each one, a different pose. Just a slight tweak.
I’ll purse my lips. Click.
I’ll look away so it’s hot. Click.
I’ll pretend I hate every dude viewing this. Click.
This one’s for the Jonas Brothers because they might follow me one day. Click.
Meanwhile, her parents are in the other room blending Johnny Walker with Xanax.
Take it from me, parents. It’s a dead-end street.
A fucking awesome dead-end street.
2. The Guy Whose Picture Clearly Indicates That He’s Smarter Than You.
This individual has a clip-on mic. Do you know what that means? Somebody, somewhere actually wanted to hear him speak. Enough to invest in wireless technology to enable this to happen.
I wore a wireless mic exactly once in my life. At my high school production of Death of a Salesman. I played Willy Loman and throughout the play, I would tap into the microphone to see if it was still working. Here’s me in that production.
You can’t eat the orange and throw the peel away – a man is not a piece of fruit. Hello? Testing 1-2-3 Hello?
Then I greeted the almost-comatose crowd with amplified feedback.
Oh, and my wife Linda? Played by a dude.
3. The Guy Whose Picture Is An Intense Orgy Of Twitter Fads.
This guy has photoshopped his image to include all the latest Twitter trends. The image provokes questions.
What’s 12 for 12K? Is he running a marathon? Is he going to hit me up for money? Why is he running a marathon in a Hawaiian shirt?
What’s BRO? Is that something cool that I should just know? I’m so behind in Twitter terms! I just recently discovered what “Blocking” was. And not in a pleasant way either.
After viewing this image, you’re so baffled by the complexity you don’t even question who the creepy kid is staring at him in the background.
4. The People Who Think We’re So Interested In Them We Need To See Their Childhood Photos.
You have invited us on a nostalgic journey into the past. I think that’s cool. Really. Super fun! I like it.
It only gets weird when you start talking about how you party.
How you’re like, “totally tipsy”.
Because then we all stare at a picture of a little kid and think, “hey that kid’s pretty cute. It’s too bad he’s all loaded in the VIP of Luxy. When will we come together to end childhood binge drinking and random make-outs?”
The two childhood pictures featured here are acceptable. But if you’re a baby on a staircase? I’m unfollowing. Why is every baby picture on a staircase?
5. The People Who Love The Close Up.
After you took class photos in elementary school, you would get a package of all the proofs. From these, you could select which images you wanted.
When I’d ask my mom what she wanted to buy, she’d always say “just the class picture.”
Why mom? Why not the one of just me? The close up?
No, it’s okay, sweetie. I see you every day. Just the class picture.
How very hurtful.
But I agree with her. A close up of me isn’t all that flattering. I look better from afar.
I look better if you’re drunk.
I look better from afar if you’re drunk and have myopia.
But these people? They love the close up.
Which is why we all hate you.
6. The Weird-Ass Image Nobody Understands But Them.
Really? What are we supposed to do with that?
7. The Nothing-Is-More-Natural-Than-Me-Just-Kinda-Laughing-Not-Noticing-You’re-Taking-A-Picture-Of-Me Guys.
No, really. That’s all I have for this one.
It took me thirteen minutes to type that one sentence with all the hyphens.
I’m mildly retarded.
8. The People Who Still Use the Twitter Default Picture.
This is like the people who elect to use Times New Roman 12.
Although, you know what? They’re much better than those pricks who use Comic Sans. Using that font immediately tells the world that you’ve given up on trying to impress us. What, we’re supposed to find you funny and humorous now that you’re using Comic Sans? I know this one dude, seriously, this one dude who actually changed all his fonts on his cell phone to Comic Sans. Then the dude’s all like showing it to me at the bar. What the fuck. Really. Really? It’s Comic Sans man. The shittiest font ever. And dude, I can totally see your Mom’s text in Comic Sans. You told me a minute ago it was your girlfriend. Speaking of which, I haven’t seen that chick ever. That chick’s like Polkaroo. Every time I’m supposed to meet her she ‘magically’ has an emergency. Just admit it, Comic Sans dude, admit it.
You’re a virgin.
Oh, right. And the Twitter default image is pretty horrible. Seth MacFarlane, you should know better.
9. The Model Chicks Who TwitPic Every Moment Of Their Lives.
When you see their tweets, you’ll ask yourself, “hey, I wonder why she just included a twipic of her dinner at NoBu. I mean, I like sushi just as much as the next guy, but really? How is that critical?”
It is because there’s a vibrant underworld of nerds that desire them. SEO consultants. Social Media Experts. Design guys. Tech guys. People who write WordPress Plugins. These guys are in love with these girls.
Every twitpic is another breath of nerdy life.
Boy, do they reply.
OMG I just ate the WORST pizza ever.
Fuck, I hate my boyfriend. He’s such an ass sometimes.
I think I should go for a smart guy. I don’t even care about looks anymore.
902384945 replies and 17 cardiac arrests.
10. The Pile Of Newspapers.
What’s more noble than a pile of newspapers? I carefully crafted my image on Twitter to reflect my gentle nature. My pragmatic personality. My undying altruism.
Also it was the first image that came up on Google Images under “news”.
I know what you’re thinking.
How can you roast the Twitter images of other people when you’re too scared to show your own?
Good question. Way easier than I thought.
Will you ever reveal yourself to the public who wants to put a face to incredible hate and awkward, unsettling charm?
No. Although someone offered $150USD for an image of me. That’s pretty cool. I think I might take a picture and send it to her.
I just need a bathroom mirror.
If you would like to be featured in a future Twitter Profile Picture roast please email us.
The next roast will feature celebrities. The roast after that will feature the hidden gems of Twitter. Then I’ll totally forget to update this site for like, two weeks. I’ll probably be out drinking every night and be like “fuck that blog shit”. But when I finally return to blogging I’ll think of another roast idea and then maybe your profile image will fit. Just email or follow me and you’ll be in the running.
Oh, wait. Before you follow me on Twitter, read this: The 5 Reasons To Not Follow Me On Twitter.
Lead image is of Tila Tequila. You can follow her here @officialtila