The 7 People You Meet In School.

While trying to round Pi to the thirteenth digit, this young ladys head exploded. Glitter was everywhere.

Shocking revelation.

I own two degrees.

A Bachelors of Science and an MBA.

Today, I find myself making 87 cents a day blogging.

I’m living proof school’s for suckers.

Here are a few things I’ve learned.

The First Day of Class

This is called retard-identification day. It’s very important. You need to listen to people as they stammer through introducing themselves to the class. ‘Hi I’m Joe and I took this class because I’m interested in Strategic Management’ is a good answer. It’s short and although Joe doesn’t give two shits about Strategic Management, it’s appropriate to say. Here are the wrong answers:

“I took this class because I had to” – Yes, thank you for the revelation. We all did. You’re just dumb enough to inform the professor that you don’t care about your grade. Bad move.

“I did seven degrees in India now I landed up in America to finish my MBA only” – Wow. You’re forty-five, a neurosurgeon back home, and you arrived here last Wednesday. Sucks to be you.

“I’m Sarah. I have sixteen multi-part questions about the exam” – You know the professor immediately hates Sarah. We all do. Although if you ever need a pen, she has thirty.

The reason you need to identify retards today is because you must weed them out when the professor asks you to form a group. Don’t even make eye contact. They tend to gravitate to anyone that will look at them. If they ask you if you have a group, immediately say yes. Then watch as they latch themselves onto another group like a virus to a host.

The 7 People You’ll Meet In Class

I will now yell at everyone in class.

Furious Note-Taker Girl: You are not a court reporter. Not everything has to be logged into your laptop. If all you hear is angry typing that sounds like morse code, that’s furious note-taker girl. Befriend her, though – by exam time, she’s valuable.

Asshole Guy Who Asks Questions at 9:59: Do you hear people zip up their bags? Yes, that’s because we all want to leave. We wanted to leave at 9:01. But now, with the single minute remaining in class before we are re-released back into freedom, you elect to put up your hand and ask a dumb-ass question nobody cares about. Not even furious note-taker girl. Shut the fuck up and put your hand down.

Creepy Old Guy: You sit at the back and you’re eighty. You witnessed two world wars and fought in one. The rest of the class likes Justin Timberlake. Notice a problem? If not, don’t worry. Sit in the back and look old. You’re making me look good.

The Guy Who Has English as his Seventh Language: Nobody understands you. Shut up.

Dumb Question Girl: You ask how companies get paid. Wonder why stocks go up and down and relate the unrelated. You tell the class about an article you’ve read. Confused, we all sit silently, stare, and thank you for making us dumber.

The Constant Eater: For you, class is like a big buffet. So you bring yogurt, French fries, ketchup, those little salt packs that nobody uses, fourteen plastic forks and several bags of other food that you can stuff your face with later. That smell? Yep. That’s all coming from your stockpile of groceries. Thanks, buddy. We’ll sit here and absorb your grossness for a couple hours.

That Girl Who Talks To The Prof At Break: Really, it’s break. Get a friend.

I’m sure you guys all have more.

And if you don’t, refresh the page seventy times.

I’ll break a dollar in revenue.