The 7 People You Meet In School.

While trying to round Pi to the thirteenth digit, this young ladys head exploded.  Glitter was everywhere.

While trying to round Pi to the thirteenth digit, this young ladys head exploded. Glitter was everywhere.

Shocking revelation.

I own two degrees.

A Bachelors of Science and an MBA.

Today, I find myself making 87 cents a day blogging.

I’m living proof school’s for suckers.

Here are a few things I’ve learned.

The First Day of Class

This is called retard-identification day. It’s very important. You need to listen to people as they stammer through introducing themselves to the class. ‘Hi I’m Joe and I took this class because I’m interested in Strategic Management’ is a good answer. It’s short and although Joe doesn’t give two shits about Strategic Management, it’s appropriate to say. Here are the wrong answers:

“I took this class because I had to” – Yes, thank you for the revelation. We all did. You’re just dumb enough to inform the professor that you don’t care about your grade. Bad move.

“I did seven degrees in India now I landed up in America to finish my MBA only” – Wow. You’re forty-five, a neurosurgeon back home, and you arrived here last Wednesday. Sucks to be you.

“I’m Sarah. I have sixteen multi-part questions about the exam” – You know the professor immediately hates Sarah. We all do. Although if you ever need a pen, she has thirty.

The reason you need to identify retards today is because you must weed them out when the professor asks you to form a group. Don’t even make eye contact. They tend to gravitate to anyone that will look at them. If they ask you if you have a group, immediately say yes. Then watch as they latch themselves onto another group like a virus to a host.

The 7 People You’ll Meet In Class

I will now yell at everyone in class.

Furious Note-Taker Girl: You are not a court reporter. Not everything has to be logged into your laptop. If all you hear is angry typing that sounds like morse code, that’s furious note-taker girl. Befriend her, though – by exam time, she’s valuable.

Asshole Guy Who Asks Questions at 9:59: Do you hear people zip up their bags? Yes, that’s because we all want to leave. We wanted to leave at 9:01. But now, with the single minute remaining in class before we are re-released back into freedom, you elect to put up your hand and ask a dumb-ass question nobody cares about. Not even furious note-taker girl. Shut the fuck up and put your hand down.

Creepy Old Guy: You sit at the back and you’re eighty. You witnessed two world wars and fought in one. The rest of the class likes Justin Timberlake. Notice a problem? If not, don’t worry. Sit in the back and look old. You’re making me look good.

The Guy Who Has English as his Seventh Language: Nobody understands you. Shut up.

Dumb Question Girl: You ask how companies get paid. Wonder why stocks go up and down and relate the unrelated. You tell the class about an article you’ve read. Confused, we all sit silently, stare, and thank you for making us dumber.

The Constant Eater: For you, class is like a big buffet. So you bring yogurt, French fries, ketchup, those little salt packs that nobody uses, fourteen plastic forks and several bags of other food that you can stuff your face with later. That smell? Yep. That’s all coming from your stockpile of groceries. Thanks, buddy. We’ll sit here and absorb your grossness for a couple hours.

That Girl Who Talks To The Prof At Break: Really, it’s break. Get a friend.

I’m sure you guys all have more.

And if you don’t, refresh the page seventy times.

I’ll break a dollar in revenue.

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  • See, now that right there is why I skipped school altogether.

  • True, so true… :):) loved the descriptions!

  • B

    Now I know why everyone was friendlier to me at the end of the semester! Damn them!

    Also, in my day, we took notes in spiral-bound notebooks.

  • E-Male

    Apparently the 8th type must be the author: Intellectually-snobbish-haughty-bitch. Ethically bankrupt and courage challenged she finds safe haven in ripping everyone else apart. Much easier than demonstrating leadership (especially later in a corporate setting). Often adopts maladaptive make-up and nail decals. Thrives in groups especially coconspirators and followers within her coven.

  • Why thank you, friend!

    I’ve never been called a haughty bitch before, but it’s actually much better than what I usually get.

    Thanks for your comment! I look forward to more comments where you harvest the dictionary, edit, edit again, then finally post and continuously refresh the page until I finally respond so you can add something even more devastatingly hollow that misses the spirit of the author or the inherent sarcasm.

    Also, who told you about the make-up?

  • Bokenstein

    I’d say another type would probably be: The Stoner, the guy wearing a loose jacket/poncho and a beanie that sits at the back of the class with a dazed look in his eyes and a vague smile on his lips as he stares off into space. When the professor asks him a question, he stares around blinking for a moment, then laughingly says that he doesn’t have the slightest clue to the answer before going back to spacing out.

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  • I tweeted this. What about the guy/girl who has something super-insightful to say about absolutly everything the prof. has to say, to the point where at the end of the lecture, he didn’t actually give the lecture. That guy/girl was my personal fave.

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  • Anonymous

    Agreed – Genevieve. That is the class member who annoys me the most. There’s always one in every class. They like to take over the lecture & think that everyone would rather listen to them than the lecturer. Don’t talk, just listen!!

    P.S ‘Tremendousnews’ – can u pls post a pic of your maladaptive make-up and nail decals??

  • Anonymous

    “Shocking revelation. I own two degrees.” Did you buy them? Shouldn’t it be “I have two degrees”? Or maybe not – how would I know, I only have one and a half…

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  • paulo

    Two kinds of people overlooked:

    1. The insecure big assed girl with the sweatshirt that is tied around her waist, even if it’s 80 degrees.

    2. The weird middle aged single mom that shows up with a bag of groceries.

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  • And then there are the girls who chat with each constantly at the back of class and then cry murder when they suddenly find out that something was due that day. They are certain that the teacher never notified them of that.

  • Awesome! I did come up with one you missed, and only because I just came out of a class with them: “That one dude who laughs (loud and creepy-like) at anything and everything.”
    Sad person: So, after I was laid-off, I found out she died.
    That One Dude : -insert creepy-like manical laugh- She died AND YOU CAN'T PAY FOR THE FUNERAL!!!!
    btw, the Dumb Question Girl should be renamed to “Dumb Question Person” because sadly, there are male versions.

    It's posts like this, that keep me following you =D

  • PeterPollock

    I never went to school but if I did, those would be me. All of them.

    Except I'm not a girl.

    I think.

  • Fernanda

    Heeeeeey, English is my 7th language and EVERYONE understands me!!!! Ok, it's my 2nd language, not 7th. But still.

  • Seth

    Sweet! I'm the constant eater, except I don't bring a shitton of groceries, I bring a few snacks and make them last the entire class

  • beebow

    In one of my classes, there was a girl who would occasionally take a large ceramic bowl from her backpack. Then a metal spoon. Then a box of raisin bran. Then two pints of milk. Then extra raisins for toppings. Assemble, eat, repeat. Until the milk was gone. I'm all for daily intakes of fiber, but cmon.

  • aliliebs

    you have an MBA? you know those ones you buy online don't *actually* count as real degrees, right?

  • Ok, that was funny 😉

  • Ok, that was funny 😉


    It’s interesting and I think first day of class is most important part of a student. Every class in my student life I face some Embarrassing character. It hurts me sometimes. The student with big figure always hurts me because I was not so healthy.