The Sports That Aren’t Sports: Auto Racing, Golf and Fishing.

Because if youre good at it, and you look this sloppy, its not a sport.

Across the whole wide universe, people have spent hours debating whether a pastime is an activity or a sport.

Most of these people are violently drunk, because if you’re spending hours debating something as dumb as this, you probably don’t have much going for you.

Which is why I’m an expert.

Here’s my analysis on certain activities and the final verdict on whether it’s an “activity” or a “sport.”

1. Auto Racing.

You drive for three hours.

You stop for gas every now and then.

Sometimes you get into horrible crashes while onlookers yell at you.

That pretty much sums up my driving test when I turned 18.

I had a driving instructor named Tito who taught me before my test.  Did you know that there are actual people in this world named Tito?  Isn’t that tremendous?  I thought it was.  Anyway, if I did something well, Tito would tell me that what I did was tits. Here’s Tito using this startling adjective.

Yo, that parallel parking job was TITS!

Hey man, look at this!  You accelerated and changed lanes while indicating.  That’s TITS!

Dude, your driving today was SO TITS!  You’ll totally pass.

Then I took my test with an old yenta who looked like she was pushing 300 years.  She had those massive prescription sunglasses and didn’t even say hi to me when she entered the car.  She just stared forward and said “start ignition and proceed.”

Unfortunately, assholeface Tito didn’t fill the car’s tank up with gas.  So I had to stop for it.

Then I misheard her directions, took the wrong onramp, nearly got lost.

Oh, and while parallel parking, I hit a Honda Accord.

Totally not tits.

Verdict: Not a sport.  Everyone drives.  You just drive faster.  NASCAR is entertaining but F-1 is coma-inducing and completely not tits.

2.  Golf.

I play golf often.  I’m not good at it, but I understand the game.  I know not to use my driver inside 100 yards and not to tinkle on the tee box when the marshal is driving around the course.  I also know that you can play it until you’re a senior citizen and your game drops marginally.  There’s absolutely no athletic ability required to play golf because I’m devastatingly obese and I can play.  And really?  You hit a ball with a club.  You don’t play against anyone but yourself and it’s not physically exerting.  Don’t believe me?  Name a golf injury.  Name one.  Paper cut?  Wonky knee?  Man boob pain?  Exactly.

Ha.  Man boob pain.

Verdict: Not a sport.  You can play it while carrying around an oxygen tank while yelling at minorities.  I’ll never forget that day, Mr. Gallart.  Your slurs pierced through me like poison-soaked daggers.

3. Fishing.

I noticed that on the Bachelor this year, the bachelor was a professional fisher.  He fished.  Professionally.

What the fuck does that even mean?

I write a shitty blog.  I sit here and discharge my musings and post it to this site.  Then nine of you read it and send me profanity-laced emails telling me I suck in a variety of ways.  So, tomorrow, if I just said I was a “Professional Blogger”, would that make it true?

Actually, I would never say that.  What women would that work on?  Maybe a 734lb, blind, cock-eyed chick with a limp.  Maybe.  But how many times can I date that girl?

Same with being a professional fisherman.  You sit around on a boat and wear that hilarious plastic raincoat vest thing that makes you look geeky and dorky.  It makes you look gorky.  It’s so bad, words have to be cross-bred to describe you.

Verdict:  Not a sport.  Definitely not a sport.  And you can lump in kiting, sailing, water-dancing or whatever it’s called.  What’s that shit called again?  Where dudes are all prancing around the water and making stars and the symbol for Pi?  I feel like it was in the Olympics one year when the Olympic President was high on black tar heroin and included it.  Ridiculous.  Also, Equestrian.  It’s the horse doing all the work, ma’am.  The horse.  It’s a sport for the horse.

There’s more.

But I’ll have to save it for another post.

Super-long posts are totally not tits.