1. If I am a creator of an Event I will not send you seventeen thousand fucking emails.
Confession: I’m not even coming to your event.
I clicked “Maybe” just because I didn’t want to send your Declined list to over 100. I’m a nice guy that way. But then you send me a hundred emails about the night. Bottle service, special VIP line bypass, fourteen new cell numbers I can call for tickets. On day 3, you tell me tickets are nearly sold out.
Now, you force us all to go back, find your horrible event, and click Remove from My Events. That’s way too much work. Just update the event page, and stop annoying everyone with emails.
2. I will balance my wall-to-walls.
Have you ever clicked on a wall-to-wall with two people and it seems horribly imbalanced? Yes. I know you have. I have a friend who will remain anonymous. Let’s just call him Glenn because that is unanimously the most horrible name in the English language. If you click on the wall-to-wall between Glenn and I, it will look something like this:
Notice anything wrong here? It seems like Glenn is ignoring my repeated attempts to contact him. Yet, in reality, Glenn calls and texts me everyday, sometimes sobbing uncontrollably to win my attention. It just doesn’t look like that on my wall-to-wall.
3. I will make my status updates more interesting
Glenn is tired.
Glenn is excited for the weekend!
Glenn is @ work.
Who gives a shit?
Lie to me.
Tell me you’re frolicking in a forest with leprechauns and magicians, or you just came back from capping the asses of several thug teenagers loitering outside of a Starbucks. I don’t care. Just don’t bore us with reality. Nobody needs that.
4. Don’t horrify us with a creepy mutual friend.
There’s one creepy guy that adds everybody. We never see him, never call him, he is the proud owner of seventy-three restraining orders, but yet, we still add him. Then, sometimes, when I add a new person, I see him as a mutual friend. Then I judge that person. I ask myself, how can this person know this creepy mutual friend? Did they date? Gross.
I know right now you are saying, “well, you are being quite oxymoronical. You, yourself, have him listed as a friend.” This is true. But I do it as a litmus test. If I see him as a mutual friend of ours, then you have failed. The litmus paper has turned blue. Or is it red? Maybe green. I got a C on my Acids and Bases Science Fair Project, so I don’t really know.
Back. That was more fun than I thought it’d be. But seriously, do you really need this application? Are you going to go to dinner one day, meet a couple about to be married, and when you ask them how they met, she gushes and says “Well, actually I didn’t know how Rodney felt about me until I logged onto Facebook and noticed that he clicked “Yes” to my Are You Interested Application. That started the magical journey of love that we continue today.” Please. Who marries a guy named Rodney.
6. I will not tag pictures of you before noon.
It’s not fair. We need time to wake up and recover before we re-live our horrible night all over again through your two hundred and forty-six images and four albums of the night before. And then we read the comments from that one asshole who goes, “whoa! you look trashed!!! lmao.” Yes, thank you, mister asshole-face. I was trashed. And you’re commenting on pictures at 8:17am on a Sunday. And nobody really laughs their ass of….whoa. I better settle down. Just, well, let’s all stick to the commandment.
7. I will not make my profile picture a picture of myself when I was a baby.
Yeah, you were an okay-looking kid. There’s nothing grotesque about you, which is disappointing. But all kids look the same and you’re old now. Stop trying to recapture your fleeting youth by pretending you’re six again. Also, I refuse to engage in a serious wall-to-wall conversation with an eight year-old boy in a sweater-vest sitting on a staircase. Why do all baby pictures take place on a staircase?
8. I will not date people that can be found on the People You May Know Window.
I met a girl the other day who introduced me to her boyfriend. I knew him from somewhere. Then if finally clicked. His sad sunken face stares at me every day in my People You May Know window. I think about adding him, and then I say, “fuck that noise” and do something else. Now, she’s dating him. Good luck with that.
9. I will not be that geek that starts a petition every time Facebook changes the format.
Tibet struggles to find peace. The ethnic war in Sri Lanka rages on. World Vision commercials flood our TV at 3am when we’re just trying to smoke weed and eat cookie dough. And you have chosen the cause of getting Facebook to go back to their old format. That’s where you are? You’re worried about this?
How proud is your Mom?
10. I will not comment immediately on anything I see.
I post a picture. 2.8 seconds later, you write “OMG! so cool! lolz!” First of all, how are you my friend? Who the fuck says lolz? I thought we went through this.
Commenting immediately tells me you’re doing nothing but refreshing Facebook. That’s as alarming as it is sad. Relax.
Is it hypocritical to unload on Facebook users when you, yourself, have crafted an entire article on Facebook users?
Absolutely not. This is an instructive article, not a rant.
And if anybody wants to check if I’m following all of my own rules, add me to Facebook.
Just look for the profile picture of the creepy baby on the staircase.