The Top 10 Dating Tips For Guys.

This could be you. Except amplify the boredom on her face and increase the ugliness of yours. There. Wait, also ugly her up more. There. Could be you!

I’m a genius at getting women.

Really.

Right now, I’m juggling nine of them.  OK. Sure, they don’t know I’m actually dating them.  And yeah, I spend most of the time sitting on tree branches with my laptop and binoculars.  But still.

Genius.

I will now dispense enough dating tips to allow you cancel your eHarmony membership and slow your nightly crying to a gentle halt.  Oh, and if you’re a woman, don’t worry.  I have 10 essential tips for you too.  Stay tuned to my bloggynessdom.

It’ll be worth it.

Tip 1. That wicked hole in your boxers isn’t as cool as you think it is.

Appearance is the first step.  If you can’t look at yourself in the mirror without shattering emotionally, do you think she wants to?  Exactly.  Clean out your ear wax, put on a shirt.  Pick your nose before or after the date, not, I repeat, not during.  Try to look your best.  Because really?  Even that’s barely enough.

Tip 2: Open the car door for her.

This is a classic gentlemanly move that will show her you’re a real man.  As opposed to say, farting and then locking the doors.  That’s a horrible strategy.  My cousin used to do that to me when I was seven.  He would make me inhale the “nectar fragrance of his loins” until I nearly vomited in my mouth.  My therapist says writing about it is part of the healing process.

Tip 3: Wear cologne. I know gasoline smells “cool as ass” but it’s a contrasting fragrance.

Gasoline smells amazing.  Sometimes I will stand at a gas station just to absorb the beautiful scent.  Then the owner of the gas station will alert me to get my “terrorist-looking ass” out of there before he contacts the authorities.  Try a spray of Gucci.

Tip 4: Pick a nice restaurant.  The truck stop off I-90 is the reason why you’re single.

I’m not saying pick an expensive restaurant.  I’m saying pick something that doesn’t look like the last place you’ll see before the Emergency Room.  Trust me, if she just had her stomach pumped because you ordered her mussels from 1987, do you think you’re getting laid?  Don’t answer that.

Tip 5: Don’t let Facebook privacy settings get in the way of your love. Blocking is foreplay.

Can’t find her on Facebook search anymore?  She’s playing hard to get.  Send a mass email to her friends in all caps lock.  Refer to her as your “spirit bride”.  Then e-mail me a copy of the responses you get.  What else am I doing?

Tip 6: You have to listen to women in real life. Twitter is the ONLY place where they talk in 140 characters or less.

Pay attention.  When she talks about her annoying boss, don’t just zone out into a fantastical dream world where midgets and leprechauns frolic and dance with magicians and mimes.  Don’t think about the half-boy, half horse majestic beast that serves cucumber sandwiches and plays ping pong with you.  What’s that thing called again?  Is that a minotaur?  I feel like that’s wrong.  Well whatever it is, it owns my ass in ping pong.

Tip 7:  It’s always nice to have a good age gap. 18 is too young and 20 is a little old.

No seriously, you’re not nearly as mature as she is.  You just read the above tip about midgets and magicians and wondered why I didn’t include unicorns, didn’t you?  I know you did.  You’re twisted and demented.  And you act like you’re 12 even though you’re pushing thirty-five.  Pick a younger woman.  Younger but legal.  Don’t start combing recesses for dates.

Tip 8: Avoid politics. I’m positive you don’t have an answer to the abortion question until you really-really need one.

Look, do you really need to know her stance on the economic stimulus bill?  You’re reading some dummy’s comedy blog for dating advice, things can’t be going that well for you.  Just relax with your political opinions until she starts liking you.  When she’s completely in love with you, that’s when you tell her Scientology is the only solution.

Tip 9: Evaluate her Facebook page. If she’s in the group “I wish my homework were sexy so I’d do it”, bail immediately.

Also, if she continues to collect “Bumper Stickers” of LOLCatz, move on.  There’s got to be better out there.

Tip 10: I swear she doesn’t care when an API will be open source.

Besides politics and religion, avoid the following topics: CSS Style Sheets, SEO, any type of API, the “reason why Facebook will be a ghost town in five years”, beautiful new icons, Twitter tips, and RSS feeds of any type.

There you have it.  I hope this helps you.  Now I better end it here.

I have to get my terrorist-looking ass out of this tree before my girlfriend calls the authorities.