An Open Letter To My Nieces.

Youve done enough.

Youve done enough.

I have two tiny nieces.  One of them is turning six next week.  This is an open letter to them.  If you experienced the eighties, you may understand.

To my nieces:

I know you won’t get through a paragraph of this letter.  Sarah, you’re already beating the keyboard with your hand demanding Dora the Explorer.  Mya, you may be eating the mouse. It’s okay. You’re only 5 and 3. You won’t be reading blogs until you’re at least 8.  We were looking through old pictures of your mommy and I this weekend, and I noticed a lot has changed since we were kids.  You’re going to grow up in a completely different world.

A better world.

A Steve Urkel-free world.

Here’s why you should be thankful.

You’ll never use a rotary dial phone. Those phones weighed about 100 lbs and didn’t have call waiting.  My fat fingers never fit in them correctly and I always misdialed.  I’m not sure who I was calling at seven years old, it quite possibly could’ve been my own house, but I still never got through.

You don’t have to go to a library. Back then, we had to actually go to a “library” and find “books” we had to “read”.  The librarian was 109 years old and told us to learn the Dewey Decimal System.  What kind of name is Dewey, anyway?  With a name like that you know you’re inventing a nerdy system to find books.  Now, you can google that shit and three seconds later, thesis.

You will always have cooler toys. One of your toys has a USB port!  That’s so cool.  All we had were action figures, and if we were lucky, they would have a kung-fu grip.  Oh, and you have Power Wheels!  Like, a real car that drives.  Your mommy and I never got Power Wheels.  You know what we got instead?  Well, she got a bike, with streamers hanging off the handlebars and these little noise makers that made every bike ride extremely lame. And I got to ride it after she was done.  Yep, your uncle rode a girl’s bike.  Later, you’ll understand why surviving my childhood was an accomplishment in itself.

More reasons why life will be better:

Video games: We had Nintendo.  The original.  We had to blow on the cartridge to make it work.  You guys will have XBOX 3240.  That beats “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” any day.

Music:
We had New Kids on the Block.  Vanilla Ice.  Paula Abdul.  Actually, you guys are going to have Britney and her hillbilly kid, so this might be a wash.

TV: We had to watch an ancient show called Full House and this horrible kid named Steve Urkel.  You guys can watch 780 different programs and TiVo the rest.  You know when you guys are eating and you scream “put Dora on!”?  That’s called On Demand.  We didn’t have that in the eighties.  We had to wait for Sesame Street…every day.  When the show was sponsored by the Letter A, that shit was a repeat.

Fashion:
Have you seen my photos from high school?  Good.  So you understand.

In closing, I’m glad you guys are going to grow up in a better world. Take a look at the invention of Facebook. You can keep in touch with your family, talk to your friends, poke other….wait.  Actually, let’s hold off on facebook till you’re both 25.

Love you monkeys.


  • Me and Dewey still go to the library. The librarian is 125 now. Same lady.

  • Why ow why are you so awesome? We had to blow on the cartridges to make them work!?! TRUE THAT! We were sweating before every push down.

  • A nintendo, thats a bit posh. We had the Sega Mastersystem with only the built in game Alex the Kidd

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  • kiiramommy

    LO effing L. That is freaking hilarious. So true, man. So true.

  • NOTHING beats ‘Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.’ And to speak of it is Treason. In fact, whenever a someone wonders what flag belongs to what nation, I can openly bet them (usually around $20.00) that their opinion is incorrect, and this is due to my intense playing of that game. I make a killing, those ten-year-olds never knew what was coming.

  • Hey! I like Steve Urkel! I even wrote a blog post about him. It's wonderful. Just like Steve.

    Your nieces are lucky to have a loving uncle like you. Another Tremendously great piece of work.

  • hahaha! You forgot banana seats.

  • HaleyKrouse

    I just got a weird blog-crush. Thought it wouldn't be awkward if I shared that. Obviously I was wrong, and guess what? I'm going to add this comment anyway.

  • Hey! I like Steve Urkel! I even wrote a blog post about him. It's wonderful. Just like Steve.

  • Hey! I like Steve Urkel! I even wrote a blog post about him. It's wonderful. Just like Steve.