Analyzing Brooke Hogan’s Twitter.

Each one of your tweets is like your quiet unrefundable gift to the world.

Each one of your tweets is like your quiet unrefundable gift to the world.

I remember eleventh grade English.

My teacher, Mr. Miller, asked the class to critically analyze a Shakespeare piece in one page.

When I received my graded page, it said “SEE ME AFTER CLASS”.


So I saw Mr. Miller after class.  He asked, “did you really think this is good enough to hand in?”

Then he stared at me with this crushing disappointment.  A look that said, what am I doing with my life?  What went wrong?  How did I end up here, teaching eleventh grade English to shithead kids like this.

I stared back and blinked.

This ass-hat kid thought Ophelia’s letter to Hamlet was “a rude awakening that she got coming to her.”  What the fuck does that even mean?  I’d rather work at Home Depot than talk to this idiot kid.

I stared back and blinked.

How did it go so wrong for me.  So wrong.  So fast?

Look at me now, Mr. Miller.  I’m writing my musings on the Internet!  It’s like a rude awakening I got coming to me.

Now, like Shakespeare, I will critically analyze Brooke Hogan’s Twitter writings.  It’ll save you from having to absorb them all at once.

If you do that, your brain will implode into itself like a dying star.

Brooke’s Tweet: bikini thyme!!! lolz

Analysis: Immediately, Brooke introduces us to the term “lolz”.  Brooke has deployed this word to underscore her excitement at wearing a bikini.  She wanted to laugh, blend in a bit of urban slang, and destroy a piece of humanity.

Stupid Index (out of 10): 8.5

Brooke’s Tweet: I’m Hungry like the wolf.

Analysis: Brooke is hungered and is possibly looking for food.  She has fetched an analogy that likens her to a predator of the wilderness.  However, instead of saying she’s hungry like a wolf, she instead is hungry like a particular wolf.  Perhaps a wolf she is friendly with.

Stupid Index: 2.5

Brooke’s Tweet: Why do people talk about ‘girlie’ things but never ‘boyie’ things?

Analysis: Here, Brooke invites us into a healthy dialogue on gender equality.  Her question welcomes classic debate.  Do we favor one gender over another?  I, for one, applaud her attempt to popularize the word ‘boyie’.

Stupid Index: 9.5

Brooke’s Tweet: Dropping the song about the economy. Too depressing… Back to writing about boys:)

Analysis: Wait.  What?  You were writing a song about the economy?  Oh, for the love of a thousand Jesuses.  Jesi. Jesusum.  Whatever the plural of Jesus is, for the love of that. Please release it. I think I speak for all of music when I say, we need to hear Brooke Hogan use “collateralized debt obligation” in a lyric.

Stupid Index: 4.5

Brooke’s Tweet: I love Britney…She is an icon and idol of mine. Musically she is the most important singer of our generation.

Analysis: Do you really need one?  Read it again.

Stupid Index: 70000000000

If you’re a Brooke Hogan fan, the above analysis was not a malicious tirade against your favorite singer.  It was simply an analysis on her breathtakingly vapid tweets.  But, I will confess.  She had one tweet that made my heart smile.  One tweet that scored comedically.

Brooke could have possibly had a drink or two.  And with the world arrested by the gripping fear of Swine Flu, she offered humanity a simple joke to make us all laugh.

Brooke’s Tweet: Feeling better..Turns out I had wine flu.

Thank you, Brooke.