5 Reasons To Not Follow Me On Twitter.

This young lady is using the Twitter application on her telephonic device to unfollow me.  Immediately after, she will LOLZ herself.  Immediately after that, I will unravel emotionally.

This young lady is using the Twitter application on her telephonic device to unfollow me. Immediately after, she will LOLZ herself. Immediately after that, I will unravel emotionally.

I won’t zone you out into a coma with why you should follow me on Twitter.

Instead, I’ll tell you why you shouldn’t.

1. I don’t know what “social media” is and really? I’m comfortable with that.

When Friendster emerged, I joined that. When hundreds of people from the Philippines added me and asked me to view their webcam, I fled. Then hi5 came along and I joined that. When hundreds of people from the Philippines added me and asked me to view their webcam, I fled. Now I’m on Twitter. And terrified of webcams.

A major topic on Twitter is social media. And even though I participate in it, I barely know what an “RSS feed” is. I have subscribed to hundreds of them but don’t know where they all went. One day, I will turn on my computer and check my email and thousands of articles from 1998 will affront me and I will go into cardiac arrest. It will be the first RSS-feed-related death in the world, and my friends and family will be embarrassed to attend my funeral.

I’m sorry to hear about your son. How did he die?
Some nerdy computer thing. We weren’t really that close.
Yeah, me neither. Let’s go to TGI Fridays and get those fried bean things.
Those are sick! Alright cool. Screw this shitty funeral. I have other sons.

2. I will never tweet anything useful.

If you Twitter search “manatee sex”, you’ll find six tweets. All from me. That’s where I am intellectually.

3. I know I’m “doing Twitter wrong.”

I think I’m a nice person. When I was tiny, my Mom used to say, “if you don’t eat fruit, when you’re older, no girl will marry you. Also, be nice.”

So now I’m eating 13 servings of fruit a day. Cantaloupes, pomegranates, mangoes. Those cool little berries you get in that plastic box. Boysenberries? I think they’re Boysenberries. All that shit. Still, no chicks are looking for me to date them, let alone marry them. That’s why I try to be exceptionally nice.

But on Twitter, people think I’m a tremendous asshole. And this bothers them. They DM me with:

Your attitude is inappropriate.
I know you’re trying to be ‘snarky’ but tone it down.
You should reply to people.
Retweeting others is flattery.
You shouldn’t spread rumors on Twitter.

I think they want me to be like them. Where I sit there and shrink URLs all day and send them to people so they can read. First, why would I want to read anything? I’m on Twitter because I only have to read 140 characters or less, now I have to read an article on 19 New WordPress Themes That Will Increase Traffic Immediately?

Actually. I should probably read that. Look around. I did this entire site on Microsoft Paint.

4. I hardly ever engage with people.

I rarely reply to anyone. This appears to be a devastating mistake. People have lashed out at me on DM calling me a ‘pompous asshole’.

How very hurtful.

I read every reply. Every DM. Even most of your tweets. I even read when you’re watching Judge Judy, eating cookie dough and commenting with “FML”. I like you. I find you agreeable. That’s why I’m following you.

And why would you want me to engage with you anyway? Trust me, after 140 characters, I become completely unbearable.

5. I repeat my Tweets at night for those in Australia and the hilariously unemployed.

Confession. I do most of my tweeting in one hour on a Monday morning. Then, using a fantastical machine-box I found, I tweet them at appropriate intervals throughout the week. I set the tweets to repeat at night for those in the Australian hemisphere and those on Crystal meth.

If you see a repeated tweet, it’s probably due to this.

If this repeated tweet bothers you enough that you want to send me a DM telling me I’m a “hack”, then I’m probably not a good person to follow. Also, I can’t stand that emotional pain.

I’m a real person.
A real person with electronical feelings.

There you have it.

Five good reasons to not follow me. Really, I don’t care about my follower count. I’d rather have 10 followers that really get my off putting personality than 5000 that don’t. And if you read this entire article and still want to follow me, then you’re good in my books.

Unless you’re from the Philippines and want me to view your webcam.

________________

Follow me here.

Unfollow me here.

Creepily stare at my Twitter profile without doing either here.



  • Mohan

    I want to sex with you